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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that XH should not knowingly expose our dc to illness?

21 replies

PaperDollChain · 18/12/2015 19:09

I have a feeling that I know what the answer will be but here goes.

When we separated, all XH was bothered about was keeping our 5 bed marital home. I couldn't be bothered fighting him over it so I moved into a small 3 bed rental with our DC. Since then, he has moved two lodgers in (but has not increased his maintenance to reflect this even though the house is almost mortgage free). One of his lodgers has a young child who stays at the house on his contact weekends.

Following XH's last contact, our two DDs came down with a stomach bug. After speaking to XH, it transpired that the lodgers child had also stayed that weekend and had been ill with the stomach bug.

I'm really angry that he knowingly exposed our dc to this illness. They had to have 3 days off school. XH has never ever taken time off with them when they are ill. I am self employed so do not get sick pay or leave for dependants so I am now very behind with work having stayed at home with them when they were off. He took them abroad this term during school time so now the school have written to me warning that their attendance is unacceptably low.

And to top it off, I am now ill with this bug. I have a chronic illness that means I am more susceptible to bugs and am already at the tail end of a 6 week long very nasty cold. I am also meant to be working this weekend. It's an extremely important event which I will have to attend - poorly or not.

XH maintains that they would have got it eventually anyway but no sickness bugs are going round at school or in my circle of friends/family. I could understand if they were inadvertently exposed but he knew full well that they would come down with it and I suspect that if it was he who would be inconvenienced by their illness, he would not have allowed them to be exposed like this.

So AIBU to expect him to have taken steps to minimise the chance that they would be infected? He was rather abusive to me when I said this to him but then he's a nasty abusive man anyway so needs no additional reason.

OP posts:

Caprinihahahaha · 18/12/2015 19:11

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest.
If he had turned up with a stomach bug you would have a point but to expect him to cancel because a lodgers child had a bug is too much.

Original poster

PaperDollChain · 18/12/2015 19:14

Caprini, I wouldn't have expected him to cancel, but to keep the dc separated. It's a really large house so wouldn't have been difficult. Or he could have asked the lodger not to have his dc that weekend. As it stands, they were all allowed to play as normal despite the fact that the other child was vomiting. He didn't even tell me, the dc did after they came down with it so I had no warning that this was likely to happen.

OP posts:

TheBunnyOfDoom · 18/12/2015 19:15

It's unfortunate, but YABU. What did you expect him to do, realistically? Take the DC's back to you and miss his time with them, or tell his lodger to send his DC home (which he has no right to do), by which time your DC would have been exposed to the bug anyway.

Bugs are everywhere, especially this time of year. There's one flying around where I work at the moment - D+V is rife at this time of year and they're just as likely to have caught it from school as from the lodger's DC.

I'm sorry you're sick but it's just one of those things. Once you're exposed to the germs, there's not much you can do to stop it.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 18/12/2015 19:16

I completely understand your frustrations, but you can't plan your life around avoiding common bugs. If it was chicken pox or something serious I'd be inclined to agree. It seems likely that his motivations were partly 'head in the sand', partly not thinking it through, but I doubt it was malicious in the sense that he hoped you'd be inconvenienced and he wouldn't.

Either way, there's nothing you can do now.

Original poster

PaperDollChain · 18/12/2015 19:20

I accept norro is an inevitable part of winter but it's not going round at school at the moment. The lodger could have not had his dc. He lives there because he separated from his DP but they are back together now (actually not sure why he's still living at XH's). I know categorically that if it was XH who would have to have taken time off with them, then he wouldn't have been so blasé about letting them have contact with an ill child.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/12/2015 19:20

I would have expected him to practise decent hygiene and keep the kids seperate, if that means not having one in the house then so be it.

Failing that they get sick he's intentionally exposed them,he deals with the after effects.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 18/12/2015 19:23

But your DH has NO right to tell his lodger that he can't have his DC over. He lives there - it's for all intents and purposes, his home and it's his DC's home on contact visits. I also bet the DC became ill over the weekend because I don't think any parent would send their DC for contact if they'd been throwing up.

D&V spreads regardless of good hygiene. Once lodger's DC got ill, the bug had been incubating for at least 24 hours - once a child is vomiting, they've been contagious for a while so your DC would already have been exposed. Anything your DH did after that would have been a bit futile, really.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 18/12/2015 19:24

Is there any way you can share the burden of poorly dc with him in the future, perhaps by dropping them off at his so that you can get on with work?

CwtchMeQuick · 18/12/2015 19:27

YANBU
This would really piss me off, some people just don't think because it won't be them suffering the consequences.
I'm not really sure what you can do about it though, other than have a conversation with him and ask for him to keep the children separated next time and request he takes the time off or tops up the maintenance to reflect your lost wages. He doesn't sound like he's likely to be cooperative though.
I hope you feel better soon

goodnightdarthvader1 · 18/12/2015 19:28

Ok, OP, you sound pretty convinced YANBU.

ScarlettDarling · 18/12/2015 19:34

Op, as far as I'm concerned, YANBU.

There's no way in the world I'd be taking my dc to stay in the same house as a child with a sickness bug. Sharing toilets and bathrooms mean that these bugs fly around.

If your ex couldn't ask his lodger not to have his ill child over that weekend, then he should have asked could the dc sleep at your house. He could still have seen the children, he could have taken them out for the day and brought them home to sleep.

Hope you're in the mend and all well for Christmas.

Caprinihahahaha · 18/12/2015 19:35

I'm not going to agree with you on the basis of what you've said.
It's immensely frustrating and I sympathise but you are blaming him for something over which he had little control.
I think your history is going to make you feel justified in being angry with him but I think that is clouding your judgement.

Chikdren pick up bugs. It happens in spite of our best efforts.

SatsukiKusakabe · 18/12/2015 19:50

I think I agree he could have taken them out somewhere and let them sleep at home, had them extra at another time - surely, regardless of the consequences of time off school/work, most parents would avoid their cd coming into contact with a stomach big, just for the sake of the kids themselves.

I have a relative who is a NRP, he isn't so precious that he wouldn't rearrange contact in these circumstances, or do something different for the weekend to minimise the chances of them coming into contact with it. He does his best to make his dealings with their mother civil and mutually beneficial, it's called putting yr children first.

BrandNewAndImproved · 18/12/2015 19:55

I agree with you op.

He could of explained to you that the lodgers dc was over and wasn't very well so instead of having them he was going to take them out for the day, feed them then bring them home.

It's not like he's going to pay you extra maintenance because of your missed days that were down to his negligence.

velvetspoon · 18/12/2015 20:01

Children pick up bugs. It happens.

Ensuring they always wash hands properly before eating, especially finger food, and don't sit with their (dirty) hands in their mouths etc can help (thinking of friend's DC who do neither and often pick up bugs), but ultimately all children do get ill sometimes. It's not nice for them, and for parents it's inconvenient having to drop work etc but such is life.

If your ExH had said 'sorry, lodgers DC has a bug so I'm not having the girls overnight this weekend' what would you honestly have said? Given the back story and that he's clearly an arse, would you even have believed him? What if you were going away or had plans?

Would you have been agreeable to swapping weekends? Probably not, this close to Xmas.

He could have taken them out all day but no guarantee they wouldn't have picked it up anyway. For all you know, had he taken them to the park, or soft play, there could have been other kids there recovering from bugs and still contagious.

MissFitt68 · 18/12/2015 20:06

So when Noro does hit your Dc school, will you keep them off school as well, just in case they get it too?

Original poster

PaperDollChain · 18/12/2015 20:17

Seems the responses are mixed.

Yes, I'd have been totally fine with him taking them out for the day and bringing them back. Or swapping weekends. He often unilaterally changes plans anyway when he has a better offer to work. If I was away, then that's different but he could minimally have discussed it with me.

I think the other child was already ill. She was certainly being sick when my dc were there.

If a bug is going round school then no I don't keep them off, but that is different because it's unavoidable. If they had caught this from a playgym or wherever, I wouldn't be as bothered. It's the fact that he knew he was exposing them.

Things would probably be different if he would take his turn at having them when they are ill. He has on ocassion left one at home when ill but taken the well dc. He does next to nothing when it comes to the shit work - that's for women and so it all falls to me. Just one of the very many reasons hes now an ex.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/12/2015 02:24

So when Noro does hit your Dc school, will you keep them off school as well, just in case they get it too?

Wouldn't it be better to ask something like, now they have Noro are you going to do as much as you can to minimise it spreading especially in places like school

Enjolrass · 19/12/2015 04:36

On the sickness Yabu.

Unfortunately kids pick up bugs.

The lodger is paying rent and therefore it's his home. There is no way you exh could stop him having the child there.

Your children still could have picked it up overnight.

Yabu with the 'I don't even know why he is still there' that's not your business.

Ds brought NV home from school, writhing a week we had all had it. I tried to keep dd away as much as possible and sprayed the bathroom every time one of the kids were sick. As ill as I was I did the same while I had it. Dh obviously did the same.

It still spread.

However, the exh should have at least shared the care of the sick DCs if not all of it. With that Yanbu.

TaliZorah · 19/12/2015 07:59

Personally I would have expected him to cancel the weekend and rearrange. I have stopped exP visiting DS when he was ill as I didn't want DS to get it.

I don't think your x did it on purpose though he just didn't think

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2015 08:15

Yanbu at all. Picking up bugs from school or shops etc is one thing but purposely taking children into a 'buggy' house is not on. I wouldn't send my dc to somebody's house if they had a sickness bug!
He definitely needs to step up with sickness cover if he thinks that's acceptable.
Also, I expect the poor sicky child just wanted to be in her own bed with all her home comforts around her and not at her dad's shared house.
Maybe XH will get the bug next. Shame

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