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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a new/different wedding ring <first world problem!>

20 replies

Allthatglitter5 · 18/12/2015 16:20

When we got married I was disabled and wasn't sure if I'd be able to work again.
Fortunately due to good therapy, physio and surgeons (and hard work) I am back working in healthcare.

This is all relevant as DH chose my engagement ring unseen by me, and to go with it best I chose a wishbone style wedding ring (I actually paid for our rings so there is no expectation of him buying a new one if that makes a difference) and I like them, and when I wear them together they look great.

The NHS has a no stones one ring only policy and then on days off I often forget the engagement ring. The wishbone shape often twists to one side and looks silly.

AIBU to want a new wedding ring that looks right on its own?

DH feels that it's kind of disrespecting or somehow breaking the continuation of the ring coming from the wedding ceremony.
I think if either of us were to gain or lose weight or even lose our ring then the new ring would still be just as much a wedding ring as the old ring.

I know it's trivial but can you help settle this? Anyone had the same sort of thing?

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 18/12/2015 16:22

My mum and dad have been married for over 40 years. Mum has "upgraded" her ring about 4 times in that time. Dad had to replace his ring after 30 years as it literally wore away.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/12/2015 16:22

Could you have a 'work' wedding ring, wear the other one at other times?

DisappointedOne · 18/12/2015 16:22

So, if you want to, do it.

SummerNights1986 · 18/12/2015 16:25

I'm with your dh tbh...I can't personally understand changing or upgrading a wedding ring. There was a similar thread the other day and I posted the same, which is that part of the reason my ring is so special to me is because it was the actual ring that we married with.

jessplussomeonenew · 18/12/2015 16:27

Would it be OK with your DH if you got a jeweller to make a new ring using the gold from the old ring?

MaidOfStars · 18/12/2015 16:30

I don't wear the wedding ring I got married with. I have a tungsten carbide ring, which is quite grey and matches my husband's. But I got married with a silver ring because the colour was better with my dress superficial

Original poster

Allthatglitter5 · 18/12/2015 16:47

jess that's a good idea and alternatively SpongeBob gives a different compromise (would I remember!?)

I might bring it up again and see how strongly he feels. I like my ring, I would just like it to look 'right' alone.

OP posts:

AgathaF · 18/12/2015 17:01

I'm not really into the upgrading of wedding/engagement rings, so I can see where your DH is coming from. I think jess's suggestion of getting your original one remade could be a good compromise. Alternatively, could you not wear it for work?

GeminiRising · 18/12/2015 17:23

I can see where your DH is coming from too - we didn't buy expensive rings when we got married and we paid for them together, but I loved my wedding ring. When I was pregnant with my first I had to have my ring cut off as my fingers got too swollen. My DH bought me another beautiful wedding ring to replace it, but it just wasn't the ring he had married me with and it didn't feel right.
About 5 years later DH surprised me by having my original ring enlarged and repaired and gave it back to me for Christmas. The beautiful replacement wedding ring went back into its box and I haven't worn it since.
I'd go with the other poster who suggested having your original ring melted down and made into a more wearable one - but totally up to you.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 18/12/2015 18:21

Or you could just not wear either ring to work. My husband isn't allowed to wear his at work, so he only wears it the rest of the time.

Doesn't bother me, I know he still respects his vows just as much when he's not wearing the ring.

ChocomelandRinglings · 18/12/2015 22:32

I have 4 wedding rings, which I change with the seasons, as one is bigger than the others and better for when I'm hot in the summer. I also change them when I fancy wearing one of the others. Two of them are exactly the same ring, but in silver and platinum. I prefer the silver one because it's a nicer colour...

I've been married 27 years. It really makes no difference. It's just a ring

Buy a new one if that's what you want!!

Enjolrass · 19/12/2015 04:57

Neither me or dh wear our rings for work.

I had my engagement ring upgraded. My original one was a fake diamond as we were skint.

Dh got me a new one when I was pregnant and in a much better position.

But the new one just feels like a ring. The original one is my engagment ring. I still have the same wedding band. Anything else, ink, would just be a ring.

I don't think either of you are bu. It's just a different opinion on it.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 19/12/2015 07:01

I don't think either of you ABU either.

I would say though that if it is literally just an aesthetic preference on your part, then I'd be inclined to respect the views of your DH. If it twists, could it need re sizing?

Otherwise I think a pp's suggestion of using the metal to make a "new" ring is a fantastic idea.

WinterBabyof89 · 19/12/2015 07:10

I'd most definitely get another that's more practical for work.

As you can probably tell, my rings don't hold much significant value for me - they're just rings at the end of the day. It certainly wouldn't detract from the importance of your commitment to one another.

Original poster

Allthatglitter5 · 19/12/2015 07:13

Thanks for the responses - yes it's aesthetic to be honest.
I think the twisting - it moves in one direction 90° and stays there - is more that during practical tasks - the same at home with cooking or whatever - that must be the shape of my hands where it fits best. Which sounds like a don't-wear-it-then sort of a hint!

I lost, previously, a very sentimental necklace. I subsequently had it replaced and to me in my mind the new one 'became' the old. I guess for some people nothing would have been the same whether it looked the same or not.

Melting it down, is that the sort of thing that's worth it if it wasn't all that expensive to start with?

OP posts:

User543212345 · 19/12/2015 07:23

I have a second wedding ring I wear when I can't wear my engagement ring as my wedding ring looks odd on its own (it's very narrow). It's a tungsten carbide one and it matches the one that DH currently wears. He's on his third as he's lost so much weight since we married I couldn't get his ring downsized further without possibly damaging it. I will get it melted and recast at some point though.

I don't like to not wear a wedding ring, it feels odd, so whilst I know my tungsten carbide band isn't my actual wedding ring it doesn't bother me - in the same way it doesn't bother me that DH doesn't wear the ring I gave him in church. It's symbolic rather than the important part of the ceremony to me.

If I were you I'd buy a second "work wedding ring" to wear when you can't wear your engagement ring. It doesn't have to be expensive, and can be a bit fun, so you keep your wedding ring that your DH considers important and are also comfortable on work days.

EmmaWoodlouse · 19/12/2015 09:50

Both DH and I are wearing different rings from the ones we got married with. DH's ring was always a bit too loose, and I got him a different one for a significant wedding anniversary - it's also a design that is a bit more personal to him and his interests. He gave me a ring for Christmas a few years ago that was not originally meant as a substitute wedding ring but it fitted well on my wedding finger, but didn't really go well with the original one as an eternity ring (white gold vs. yellow gold) and I asked if he would mind if I just wore the new one most of the time. It's more my current taste and more similar to his new one. I don't think either of us attach a lot of symbolic importance to the original ones as we're not very religious, but we both like to wear something resembling a wedding ring on that finger!

I also have a friend who has water retention and her fingers change size a lot, so she's had several different rings. Again, she feels that having some kind of wedding ring on is more important than it being the exact one.

In your situation I think I would do what several others have suggested and just get an inexpensive ring that looks like a wedding ring, to wear at work only. The other possibility would be to turn your original one all the way round so that the wishbone shape is underneath and the visible part just looks like a conventional band shape - but only you know whether it would stay in that position.

AwfulCuntForTheButter · 19/12/2015 09:59

I had to replace my wedding ring just weeks after I got married, as my original one turned out to contain nickel and I developed terrible dermatitis on my finger. I bought a plain white gold wedding band with mine and DH's initials and wedding date engraved inside it, and tbh it feels much more 'right' than my original ring - the first one was quite cheap as we were skint, inlaid with CZ gems, and my new one looks more like a wedding ring.

DH was a little bit sad about it, but understood - I really don't like not wearing my wedding ring, I'm very proud to wear it and I got pretty upset when the one I actually got married with gave me an allergic reaction!

A work wedding ring is a great idea

Original poster

Allthatglitter5 · 19/12/2015 12:38

Thanks all, lots to think about and actually I would really love a ring that's a different colour. The engagement ring DH bought is yellow gold and it means a lot to me as he actually bought it when I was very ill (actually in ITU) and I love the thought of him out in town choosing.

So I don't want to change it, nor would I not wear my current ring with it. But I do actually prefer something of silver colour. But only if I was doing it anyway iyswim.

OP posts:

blueturtle6 · 19/12/2015 18:13

I cant wear my engagement ring at scrathed baby with it and wedding ring matches it. Told dh I miss wearing a wedding ring so i think hes got me a new one which when I go back to wearing original I cant wear on other hand. Could you do same eg one for daily and one for best?

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