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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that it is just as rude...

48 replies

LadyColinCampbell · 18/12/2015 00:47

... if not even more rude to comment on what people have left on their plates as it is to leave food that somebody has cooked for you?

I am not a picky eater, and will have a good go at anything really, but there are two places where I draw the line- creamy sauces eg carbonara (the smell of the cream makes me feel really, imminently sick) and beef (I will have a stab at it but I find the texture horrible. This may be because of my HFA and therefore unreasonable.)

If the meal is a "surprise" eg the host hasn't told you what they are cooking in advance giving you a reasonable period to back out if you really can't stomach the food, and it's a situation where they'll be offended if you say you'd rather not have any of x thing (because they might cook the best carbonara in the world, but you just don't like carbonara!) then AIBU to think that while some may think it's rude to cut up a meal and "pretend" to eat it so as not to offend

OP posts:

ewanthedreamsheep · 18/12/2015 08:51

Sorry to have derailed! If she is using cream in carbonara she IBVU! :)
....and she IBU anyway to comment; should never make a guest feel uncomfortable. There are ways to politely comment that you can have something else if what you have isn't to your taste though.

CwtchMeQuick · 18/12/2015 08:59

YANBU
Ive had issues with food for years and really struggle to finish a meal, especially if eating out.
A few months ago id gone out for dinner with some friends, lovely food but I'd gotten stressed out and couldn't eat it. When the waitress collected the plates she did the usual 'was everything okay with your food?' I said 'yes it was beautiful thank you' and she looked at me like and went 'are you sure?' I said 'yes it was lovely' and she replied 'really? You've not eaten anything!' I think it's the height of rudeness and it makes me really uncomfortable when people comment

AmusingSpoonerism · 18/12/2015 09:04

If she knows before hand that you don't like x and y but will eat anything else then to be honest, if she's invited you over for dinner and it is not a spur of the moment think she's being unreasonable to cook it for ou, never mind comment on you not eating it.

If I am cooking for guests I ask before hand if there's anything they especially want or don't want and plan the meal accordingly.

MummaV · 18/12/2015 09:19

If she knows you don't like it and then comments on you not eating it (Very rude) a simple "As discussed before this isn't something that sits well with me so I haven't eaten it".

If she is going to be rude in questioning why you haven't eaten food she knows you dislike then be blunt in your response that she knows you don't like it. Maybe she'll get the point.

If I have guests I always tell them on advance what I'm planning to cook and ask if that is ok for them. It's common courtesy to cook something guests like and not to force food they dislike on them.

MrsWinklepicker · 18/12/2015 09:22

Maybebabybee, I don't have much time for people who don't have much time for picky eaters. No-one chooses how wide a variety of food they can eat. The important thing is to be polite and courteous.

Alicewasinwonderland · 18/12/2015 09:30

It is very rude not to eat something you don't like, unless it absolutely make you sick - or you are allergic, but then it's fine to advise people before hand (throwing up at the table is not pleasant for anyone). It is a very hard rule to follow when you go on business trips and are offered very weird local delicacies.

It is extremely rude to comment on people manners! You can think what you want, and possibly bitch comment privately, but certainly not in front of the guest or worst other guests.

It is a bit different if it is close family obviously, but then close family won't serve you something you can't stomach?

maybebabybee · 18/12/2015 09:36

No-one chooses how wide a variety of food they can eat.

I beg to differ. I have a friend who basically only eats chips

megandmogatthezoo · 18/12/2015 09:37

'It is very rude not to eat something you don't like'

Why? I would be mortified if I found out a guest had forced down something they didn't enjoy, to be polite. Social dining is supposed to be a pleasant experience not akin to the headmistress standing over you with a plate of liver and baked beans (disclaimer: this may have died out with the 1970s)

My MIL serves up enormous portions of very very very well done veg. Usually sprouts and cauliflower. The smell alone is disturbing, the taste and texture worse. I eat some, but leave most. Fortunately she is a charming hostess and doesn't feel the need to comment. Neither of us feel uncomfortable about it. That's how it should be.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2015 09:40

I think the idea it is rude to not eat what is given to you is cultural, it is based on a time (and to some extent a place) when food was scarce and to waste it was offensive.

We don't live in that time and place now, in the majority, in our culture. Of course when you go anywhere where food is scarce, as I have, I can totally see it is an issue to refuse stuff. But for many in the west and other parts of the world too, now, lack of food is not the problem, it's quite the reverse.

Sometimes you visit someone and they try and ply you with cake and/or biscuits and tea. In fact I do that with my friends too! But I would never be offended if people said they were not hungry, did not want XYZ. It's their body, how can I be offended by what they choose to not put in it?

RamblingRedRose · 18/12/2015 09:47

My uncle is a very picky eater. He likes meat and 2 veg type meals. He would never eat something like pasta or rice. When he visits, my mum goes to a real effort to cook him a roast dinner and he's happy. I think that is part of being a good host.

I do feel your pain though as when my mil visits, I always make a real effort to cook food I think she'll like. However, when I visit she refuses to cook for me because in her mind I am a picky eater which is very rude. I'm not actually a picky eater, I am vegetarian though.

CaspoFungin · 18/12/2015 09:48

Oh my, I always get this! I can't eat a lot in one go so struggle with big meals and always leave some and people always comment and make me feel bad, it's embarrassing.

RB68 · 18/12/2015 09:50

I wouldn't say I was fussy but many people do. I know what I like and don't like and won't be forced to eat what I don't like politeness or not. I do not however make a big fuss about it and just leave it and would never comment on food left unless it was a good friend and then the comment would be -are you not keen on xxx, I love it but I know its a love or hate thing e.g. marmite - but only between the two of us never in front of others etc and certainly never to shame people.

I think its easy to forget there is a close link often with food and mental health and for e.g. commenting on left food by waitress in restaurant is v bad form - you paid for it, if you had a complaint you would say why put people in an awkward position.

Alicewasinwonderland · 18/12/2015 09:50

It's not about food being scarce, it is about being unpleasant to the host who had made the effort cooking. I was even told that at school, and I am not that old!

It is considered very bad manners by many people, even nowadays in this country. They won't tell you obviously, but they won't enjoy it anymore than they will enjoy someone eating with their fingers or generally misbehaving.

Do you teach your children that it's acceptable to say "I don't like it"? If yours say that here, he won't be invited again.

That said, you don't normally serve a huge plate of food to someone either.

I am amazed that this seems not the norm for so many people here, how strange.

maybebabybee · 18/12/2015 09:54

My uncle is a very picky eater. He likes meat and 2 veg type meals. He would never eat something like pasta or rice.

Is your uncle my FIL?! He will only eat 'british' food. Not even rice or pasta. I'm happy to cook whatever he likes when he comes to us as (again) I want people to enjoy my food, but I do think it's a bit daft - my poor MIL can never go for a curry or a chinese or even an Italian because he won't even try any of it. It's not even that he's tried it and doesn't like it. He won't even attempt it.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2015 10:11

Alice I personally think it is about scarcity. Re Do you teach your children that it's acceptable to say "I don't like it"?

Yes, of course I do. Why would my children eat things they don't like. There is a massive obesity problem in this country and I am overweight with an eating disorder so I don't think being quilted into eating things one doesn't like or want (or need) is a good idea. Of course my children don't volunteer information about food left right and centre but usually if someone is cooking for them they will say "What do they eat" And I will tell them.

I do greatly encourage my son to eat veg, because it is good for him, but even that is partly (I think) a hiding to nothing and in the long run it is better to find what veg he will eat and give it to him rather than making him eat stuff that he hates.

When dd was little we had a friend who said if you don't eat your sandwich you don't get your 'pudding', pudding being yoghurt. It seemed very odd to me to force kids to eat what they did not want (or need) in order to be allowed to eat the healthy dessert.

My mum has real issues around food, cannot eat a lot, cannot manage what is on her plate but then tries to 'co-op' everyone else to eat up her left-overs because she hates waste. I am pretty sure it is a direct result of being a child in the war and living with the scarcity of food and rationing for many years after the war. Unsurprisingly my dad was overweight and my sister and I are now overweight.

I think everyone should be a lot less worried about what others eat or don't eat. But when you do enjoy a meal, I think it is great to be enthusiastic in your praise of the chef!

We are so lucky that many of us in this country, even those who are not very well off, still have food, access to good food, like raw salad veg etc, which is so good for you, and can get help and advice about food and nutrition.

liz70 · 18/12/2015 10:13

"It is very rude not to eat something you don't like, unless it absolutely make you sick - or you are allergic"

'Fraid I'll just have to be rude, then. I had my fill of being forced to eat disgusting food at school and swore that as an adult I would never again eat food that I couldn't stomach. I'm not a particularly finickity eater but some things I really couldn't eat. I once pushed my plate away untouched at DH's aunt's house, but then, although very pleasant, she is a terrible cook (MIL's words) who really should just buy in stuff from M&S. She once presented my parents with "soup" that looked like dirty dishwater, and tasted like seawater. Luckily my dad is on a low sodium diet for medical reasons, so had to decline it; don't know about my poor mum.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2015 10:13

maybebabybee the slightly better quality Italian restaurants (not the all you can eat pasta and pizza type) often do meal with chicken and potatoes (your uncle may need to ask for no sauce!). Your poor aunt, she need to join a women's dinning club! My friends and I try and go out for meals every few months, so far this year it's been Turkish and Thai!

liz70 · 18/12/2015 10:20

"it is about being unpleasant to the host who had made the effort cooking."

Some might argue that's distinctly off to serve up bloody awful food and expect your poor guests to eat it.

maybebabybee · 18/12/2015 10:24

the slightly better quality Italian restaurants (not the all you can eat pasta and pizza type) often do meal with chicken and potatoes (your uncle may need to ask for no sauce!)

I know - try telling him that!

maybebabybee · 18/12/2015 10:25

Some might argue that's distinctly off to serve up bloody awful food and expect your poor guests to eat it.

That's a bit unfair though, isn't it? Sometimes it's perfectly nice food, it's just that you don't like it. If someone made me mushroom risotto I would think that was vile, but only because I don't like mushrooms. Doesn't mean the risotto is vile - it's probably quite nice.

scribblegirl · 18/12/2015 10:29

I don't think I've ever had anyone round to dinner without letting them know what we're having in advance, or at least checking likes/dislikes Where are all these dinner parties you lot go to where dishes are served up without being run past you first?

I'm guessing it's a posh Debrett's etiquette thing that you're not meant to tell your guests what you're having and I've just exposed myself as a total pleb

liz70 · 18/12/2015 10:33

"That's a bit unfair though, isn't it? Sometimes it's perfectly nice food, it's just that you don't like it. "

Well, yes, you're probably right. I guess I'm just biased from bad experience with my AIL. And that isn't just me; it's DH, my parents, DH's mum when she was alive, but AIL doesn't seem to realise that she just cannot cook. We just avoid eating a meal when we visit now.

Alicewasinwonderland · 18/12/2015 14:02

I've never been told the menu was when I have been invited anywhere .

Italiangreyhound Regardess of good or bad manners, I believe the opposite: not encouraging children eat everything is the wrong thing to do. I am not a monster, I don't force feed oysters to a toddler, and I don't go out of my way to cook something they don't like. However, if they are used to eat a healthy varied and balanced diet from the earliest age, if they know that veg and puddings are a normal part of a meal, they don't grow up with an unhealthy attitude.

Taste change when you grow up, but the earlier you discover new flavour the better.

I am afraid for me sandwich is junk food anyway. None of the kids (or adults) around me are remotely overweight, but none of the parent would accept the nonsense you read in the paper about little Timmy who has been surviving on chips for the last 2 years. That's bordeline child abuse!

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