to be frustrated with my MIL?

[MrsH1989]

Last year my MIL bought DS nothing for his 2nd birthday. At his party she claimed she didn't know what to get him and would see what others got him before going out to buy something. At xmas (still no birthday present) she claimed the same giving him a giant gingerbread man and saying she would get him something in the new year. In february she said she would get him a tablet because he was always playing on her Ipad but she wanted us to find it and buy it so she could just give us the money back. It turned out to be a great present but I was still a little frustrated with the lack of effort on her part. This year she started again saying shall I just leave it until the summer because I don't know what to get. DH just says yes thats fine because it doesnt bother him but I dont want to encourage this pattern as it wont be long before he is aware of who is giving him presents as xmas and who isnt! Anyway I stepped in and suggested she gets him a batman costume as he loves them and she said "okay, if you find one buy it and I will give you the money". GRRR...So i found one and told her where to get it and she rings me saying they are out of stock. I went online, clicked her nearest store and reserved it sending her the reservation number. She has now been to collect it after I have done all the work again. Am I right to be annoyed with the lack of effort put into her oly grandchilds presents or is this a common thing?

Agree with the others about your son "kicking off" having not received a gift. I was sort of with you up til then.

Basically I think you need to accept that your MIL is crap with gifts, take her at her word and make suggestions, or ask for cash. I wouldn't like my partner saying "oh it's fine" though, when she suggests "just leaving it" for 6 months etc. That's weird. She either buys a gift or she doesn't, but being vague and making unfulfilled promises isn't really good enough

I think you need to get over it. Your Dh has the right attitude.

Ok, it's odd - I'll give you that.

But why would he kick off? Surely as a parent you are teaching him that gifts are just that - a gift. It should neither be expected and we don't give to receive. If he doesn't get a gift from grandma surely you just say she doesn't have to give a gift but isn't he lucky that she gives him stuff Feb/summer time.

My MIL never gave GSs presents at Christmas or Birthdays. We all just accepted that and included her in all festivities. Then out of the blue she bought them the maximum 'childrens bonds' from National Savings. They continued to invest them after the age of 18.
The money then went towards their world travel post uni.
They had far more value than years of plastic, which woulld have been long forgotten.

Is she lazy OP? Does she make no effort to spend time with DS? Has she never helped you and DH out since you got together and had a child?

I think you do need to get over it.

I say this as someone who is in exactly the same situation as you. I sometimes get 'wound up' by PIL's attitude towards my DCs and gifts, but I have had to rise above it.

One year MIL said she was going to give DD a tablet for Christmas. Then she was going to wait until she had enough Tesco points to get her one using them. Then she was going to get herself a new tablet using her Tesco points and would DD like her old one?

Last year none of us got anything for Christmas as they were 'too busy' to deal with it. This year we have 'kindly offered' to buy the presetns for the DCs from them if they will give us the money. They have given us the money. Job done.

Life's too short to worry about it.

Your DS won't 'kick off' - just manage his expectations by not mentioning anything from that Granny. Give her a list of suggestions in November - nothing that's on the main wish list that he'll be upset about not getting. Make sure all are available from Toys R Us/Argos/Amazon/Whichever big toy supplier is near you, and then if something turns up or not, don't stress it.

My parents need their hands held through buying things for the DCs, this year for DD - "sylvanian families would be good, she's got X already, anything else would be fine" was apparently not clear enough, and for DS "Deep sea lego, any of the range." was also not clear - I was required to be on the phone as Dad went though it on Amazon to pick the thing they would get. Which he had delivered to my house. Without gift wrapping as "it's a rip off." so I can wrap their gifts too. However, my DCs will have lovely gifts they will enjoy, which is the main thing.

I'd just ignore the issue TBH.

If she buys him a present on his BD, fine. If she doesn't that's her choice.

I would not buy stuff on her behalf either as it's her choice whether or not to get him anything.

I completely understand your frustration - my FIL is like this. He did nothing to mark the births of any of our DC - not even a card, let alone gifts. He used to give money for birthdays and Christmas and leave us to buy something (which he wanted to choose but not actually buy) but the money always came late and we always covered for him - sometimes waiting several months for the money to be repaid. (He is NOT short of cash.)

A number of years ago I reached my limit - he had insisted on choosing gifts from a list we were to create and due to family politics we had to do three separate lists for my parents, MIL & FIL. We had (at his insistence and against my better judgement) made sure he had some big (favourite) items on his list and then left him to choose what he wanted to buy. (apparently that year he was going to shop himself and then post them up to us) My DH wanted to trust him but by 23rd Dec we still hadn't received anything so he called his dad who said he hadn't gotten around to it so he would transfer money and we could just buy something. Amazingly he did actually transfer the money that day so I spent Christmas Eve going round the shops trying to get these favourite items my DC really wanted. After that we both said no more - we are not covering for him again.

Over the last three years DS & DD 1 have had birthday presents each year but DS's was a month late one year as we waited until he actually gave us the money before buying anything. DD1's has been late every year. DTs have had late presents twice and one year just got nothing. They haven't had a Christmas present before Feb for the last three years and this year isn't looking good so far.

We choose not to cover for him but not to make a big deal about it either. Yes it does piss us off - not the lack of gifts because a gift is just that - a gift - but rather because all the other grandkids get gifts on time and very generous to boot, which he has bought and wrapped himself, so it is the double standards and complete disregard for our kids which annoys us. The others all live near him so it's like with us it's out of sight, out of mind. (Although he sends us a request for what (expensive) gift he would like us to buy him for his birthday every year.)

The best way to deal with it is just to ignore it. Don't cover for your MIL, but don't make an issue of it either. Your DS will notice when he is a little older (my elder two notice now, the DTs don't yet at 5) but you just say she hasn't bought you anything yet and leave it at that and then teach them to expect nothing but to be thankful for what they do get - whoever it is from.

My mil has turned up on one of mines birthday without a present before. As she left he said "thanks for my present" her face was a picture.
He'd neither noticed or was bothered. Kids accept what it is Without question. I had one rich grandad, tight as anything. One poor, beyond generous. As I grew up we just used to laugh at the rich ones 'silly ways' but that was it.

Katarzyna your post at 19:34 is certainly not odd - it's really powerful.

OP I come from a family that are really very good at buying presents and I only realised really when my mum died in my 20s there are many ways to skin a cat and no one is right. I also realised that we (some of us) attach great emotional importance to these things that needs to be gently unwound because it is just not helpful, and to be open minded.
DS will take his lead from you - your MIL will not. So whether she buys inappropriate presents (did you really say a tablet for a 3 year old) or none at all, he will only have an emotional reaction to that if you teach him to have one.
Just because she is being unreasonable doesn't mean you need to be.

My PIL have never ever bought gifts for my DC. When they were younger they got the odd cheque or voucher but as they got older absolutely nothing. It was DD2's 18th last week and not even a card from them. They just accept that is how it is. There has certainly never been any kicking off about lack of gifts from them. We are the family that lives closest to them but they have absolutely no relationship with my DD's.

Luckily my DM totally steps up to the mark and has provided an abundance of gifts and love and memories for my girls over the years. As someone up thread said, it is the love and memories that have made more of an impact on them than the gifts

You bought a 2 year old an ipad? Far out.

Your ds will only notice there isn't a present from mil if someone points it out. He will have no expectation of who gets him stuff and who doesn't. He should just be delighted with what he is getting. And tbh if his birthday is in the winter a gift in the summer could be great. Dd's birthday is October and when she was small outdoor gifts were hard because well when do you give them?

I've an October-born too. My nan and auntie have always given her money which we hung onto to buy garden stuff (swing, slide etc) for the summer. She's 5 now and half of any money she's given gets spent (by her) and the rest kept for savings/spending money for her at Disneyland Paris.

Thanks all, seems I may have to get used to this. I would never point out to DS that his gran does this, it wouldnt be fair. The kicking off thing came from a conversation with a couple of friends who said that is how their children reacted. DS was upset the other day when santa did not give him a present when he was visiting the houses in our area. It was the 3rd santa he had seen and the only one not to give him a present (others were dreaded lollies!) so this reaction spoken of by friends made sense but perhaps they are a minority.

Oh and the ipad was 2nd hand off ebay and has proven invaluable when needing to take him to appointments and on long journeys.

I think your Mil sounds awful. Our grandparents love picking and buying the GC presents and seeing them open and use them. That's normal I think.

DS was upset the other day when santa did not give him a present when he was visiting the houses in our area.

That's a learned behaviour. Shouldn't be too hard to change.

My mum (who is a very loving and involved grandparent) always asks me to buy her presents the children. She's scared of buying the wrong thing.

My dad has a long ,long history of giving random presents at random times of year that are for birthdays months before. The kids are used to it and unbothered. Id be quite horrified if they were keeping count on who bought what.

My oldest sil never buys presents on time and sometimes not at all.
Ever since my dds were small she is variable.
Dds have grown up with this and are not at all bothered.
They remember the odd occasion when she would visit and take them out shopping , which to them was exciting.

I sort of see her point - children get tons of gifts at Christmas and birthdays and they usually pick one or two favourites while the other gifts get forgotten about. Giving him a gift a couple of months later means more because he remembers it and it's something new to play with.

My FIL is pretty crap at sending gifts (we live in another country now, but even when we were in Britain, he was still crap.) We have had nothing (not even a card) at the birth of DS and he missed DD's birthday completely. For Christmas, he has announced that adults won't exchange presents, and we have not seen anything of kids presents as yet, so not holding my breath. I must say that he did not send my DH a present for his birthday either, and my DH does struggle with this as a statement about his emotional involvement in his life (his parents separated when he was 8, but nevertheless, he still somewhat idolised his dad, so it feels a bit of a rejection.) Anyway, I really find it hard to understand this behaviour, which at the same time comes with demands to call or skype at the drop of a hat (we apparently needed to "book" our Christmas call with them, as they were just so busy. My family would never in a million years forget a birthday or Christmas.

BUT: I have come to be reconciled with it, and this is my philosophy now: If you want to give us a gift, that's lovely. Great. But that's not my responsibility, so don't ask me what to get, how to send it etc. We do provide an Amazon gift list for the kids presents, but that is it. We gratefully accept any and all presents, but we don't expect them. On their part: they take the responsibility for the lack of relationship that this might lead to. I don't mean this to sound bitchy, but I'm not going to worry and be anxious about this. It's on their own head. I personally think that selecting a gift for someone means showing them (or their parents) that you have thought about them. Doesn't matter if its their favourite chocolate bar....it's not the monetary value.....it's that you took the time to do it. The contrast for the kids with their other grandparents will be stark as they grow up, but that is not my responsibility.

Well, you don't have to like the situation, but you would BU to try to do much about it. I wouldn't get into the habit of doing the work for her. And when she wants you to agree with her thats its ok not to get your son a present - well I wouldn't. When she says "I dont know what to get so I won't " I'd maybe say"oh what a shame" and change the subject. Or "there's so many toys in the shops" - change of subject.
I assume that you are leaving it up to your dh to buy MIL's Christmas present?

I am going to miss the point here for a second and say bloody hell your 2 year old has his own iPad?!