aibu not wanting to move in yet?

[ilovedjerrymore]

hello everyone,

long time watcher here, 1st time poster...have been watching a while (penis beaker etc)

I am with an amazing man, we have been together 3 years. He has 3 children from is 1st marriage a girl aged 12, a boy aged 7 and another little girl aged 6. unfortunately their mother passed away when the youngest was only 8 months old due to a long illness which she had before having her 2 youngest children. The kids are wonderful polite children who I have fallen head over heels in love with and honestly treat them as my own...well I try to except we have a problem with his eldest child. She refuses to have me in her life in any way. I was introduced to them after I had been with their Dad 8 months so have known them for just over 2 and half years.
The youngest 2 do not remember there mother at all, obviously the eldest does. The children have all had counselling to help them talk about their feelings but like I have said the youngest 2 don't remember her only the oldest.
My partner is honestly a wonderful person and is a full on Dad even though he runs a manic company he makes sure he works from home a lot so that he is with his children as much as possible takes them to clubs at the weekend and after school etc Sorry if I am going on just wanted to make it clear his a very full on Dad and cares a great deal for his kids...to be honest it makes me love him even more seeing how well his coped throughout the last few years.

Anyway back to the eldest daughter, she just doesn't except me at all. Will spend most of the time I am at their house in her room hates it if we all go out for dinner together or a day out she will refuse to talk to me the whole day and will try and make the younger 2 not talk to me either, which confuses them as we do have a close relationship. Most of the time if we do have a family gathering planned she will ask her Dad to ask her grandparents if they can have her so she cant go. Sometimes her Dad will so no other times he will give in so that she doesn't ruin it for the younger 2.
I have looked after them on my own many times and have tried so hard to bond with her, but she is just rude to me as soon as her dad is not in the house. I have even spent time with her on her own which she literally hated and caused havoc the whole time. I have sat down and talked about how I am honestly not trying to be her mum and that I respect she has a mum I just want to care for her. She refuses anything I buy or what to do for her. Its heart-breaking as I see this young girl growing up without a mother and isn't coping all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and say it will be ok.

We talk about the children's mother all the time, over dinner etc there are photos up of her everywhere they draw pictures of her etc so its not like its a subject we don't discuss. Its the children's mother at the end of the day and she would be so proud of what wonderful children they are.

Sorry I am getting to my point now just wanted to show how life was for us; My partner has asked me to move in with him he mentioned it about a year ago and I said no but his asking again. I don't stay over at his house as it was upsetting his eldest too much so only stay over when they are at the grandparents house which is maybe 1 weekend a month if that. I see them every day nearly and only every other weekend - I said I felt it best he had a couple of weekends a month without me around just so he could spend time with the children.
I don't see how we could move in together with the eldest being how she is? I think it will make her worse and would not be a good atmosphere for everyone involved.
I would love to move in more then anything in the world and I know the youngest 2 would love it as they are always asking me why cant I live with them which results in the eldest having a meltdown.
I honestly don't know anymore what the solution is, I love this family so much and am prepared to wait as long as it takes even another 3 years or more if needs be. I think my partner is worried also that I will leave as I have always said I would like a child, but that was at the beginning when we were chatting about future plans. I am 35 years old and yes my clock is ticking loudly but I honestly don't mind never having my own child I have 3 amazing children in my life already so feel blessed.

So aibu to say we should wait until things are better with the eldest before I even consider moving in?

sorry for such a ramble.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

I think you could wait forever. If you don't feel you can deal with the situation then leave the relationship. The DD comes as part of the "package" and she's having issues accepting you...if you move in then it has to be with unconditional love for all of them....and that's not something you seem to feel as if you did, then you'd possibly just accept her problems and keep working at helping her accept you

You sound lovely though. Sorry it's so tough.

[ilovedjerrymore]

Thank you for your reply. I honestly love the eldest as much as the youngest 2. I totally excepted from the beginning they all come as one package and I love them all. I just thought over time she would soften a bit towards me but if anything she has got worse I think it's cause the youngest 2 look to me a lot for comfort and attention etc which I give her the eldest just as much - well as much as she will allow me which isn't a lot. I have tried girlie days just us 2 nothing works. I could sellmy house tomorrow and move in with them but I don't want to make her even more upset and make her behaviour worse and that her feelings don't count. I want them to all want me to move in. I guess I will just have to work on it more xx

[Fooshufflewickbannanapants]

She may never want you to move in, her feelings are very valid but not to the detriment of everyone else's (sorry that sounds harsher than I mean it to) 12 can be a horrible hormonal time.
You sound lovely but maybe a tad unrealistic. Moving in doesn't mean they get no time just the 4 of them,or maybe 121 eldest and her father.
Also don't try too hard, maybe she wants to be the one who decides when she wants a relationship with you.
Good luck

[Blacktealeaves]

I agree with pp.

Obviously eldest's feelings are valid and important, but shouldn't be followed to the detriment of other two kids and your dp.

In some ways she might find life easier knowing that not all decisions rest with her and also having you as a permanent fixture, not a "come and go"person.

[GreatFuckability]

Firstly you sound lovely and thoughtful. I wish my exs new partner was as kind. I have no clever advice, but I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Gottagetmoving]

The eldest girl got a few years with her Dad after her Mum died before he met you.
She would have been used to being the number one girl in his life and probably resents sharing him with you. Plus she remembers her Mum.
It sounds like you have done everything right but she is not ready yet to accept you into their little family. Also, she is coming up to a difficult age.

Really, it is her Dad who needs to talk to her because she has to realise at some point that he needs a partner, just like she needs her own friends.
Perhaps you are trying TOO hard? The girl may resent you talking about her mother with them all over dinner.
It is very difficult but it is up to her Dad now to speak to her and make her realise that he loves you and wants you in his life.
To be honest, I am surprised he asked you to move in when he must know how the situation is with his daughter. It sounds like he is just ignoring it.

I wouldn't move in until your DP realised he has a problem that needs his attention.

[Gottagetmoving]

realises,..not realised.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

No one needs a partner. In your shoes OP I wouldn't be moving in any time soon. I hope that she does warm to you eventually, but trying to force things could lead to a huge amount of upset for all concerned.

[ilovedjerrymore]

Thanks everyone for your messages. I am taking them all on board. Seems I have a lot to think about as I was trying to do what I felt was best for the eldest. I thought me moving in would make things worse, now I don't know from looking at people's replies whether it would show I am more committed? Which I thought I was showing them. Never looked at it from this point of view maybe she is just worried I am going to leave or disappear on her if she gets close to me. Which I would never do.
GreatFuckability thanks so much I am sorry your ex's partner isn't as caring xx

[ilovedjerrymore]

Sorry just seen more replies after I had already replied.
I will just touch on a few things people have said. When we have spoken about their mother over dinner it's usually cause one of the little ones will mention something about her example mum had short hair didn't she dad. I will usually reply if they look towards me for a reply as in I would answer 'oh yeah I can see from the pictures on the wall she does, you have the same colour hair' etc nothing too in depth and nothing I feel that is too pushy just a reply to a little ones question.
Also with our relationship me and her dad do not kiss in front of the kids or hug or anything too full on. We kiss on the cheek goodby like I do the children. When we have sat down to watch a film the kids usually cuddle in between us so we don't flaunt our relationship in front of the eldest and be all lovey and touchy.
I may have tried a bit too hard at the beginning but over the last year or so I have been 'I am here if you want something' stayed in the back ground for her tried to include her in things but if she didn't want to have not made a huge deal out of it.
Her dad has spoken to her about why she doesn't want me around but never gets a straight answer. He has told her he loves me and see's us all having a great future together after a rough few years for them all. In front of me he has got angry and upset about the situation but not in front of her as I said the last thing she needs is to feel her Dad is turning on her.
Thanks again for the comments x