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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you shouldn't win musical statues when you've moved

47 replies

Timri · 17/12/2015 11:25

Just because it's your birthday party?

At a 5yo birthday party, seven kids between 6 and 3 playing musical statues, 4 out already, birthday girl moves, told she is out, starts screaming hysterically, then told by parents no she's not out, carry on with the game...

Was sitting there hysterically trying not to laugh as another mum there told all the the 'out' kids they were back in too then.
Parents of birthday girl didn't look impressed.
What do you think? Am feeling slightly evil thinking it was funny

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AnnaMarlowe · 17/12/2015 16:08

One way to avoid tears is to have a big box of haribo - every child who goes out gets a sweetie. Seems quite effective.

My DD was rather surprised at the school Christmas party when one of her 7 yo peers cried and tried to emotionally blackmail DD out of the (fairly won) pass the parcel prize.

DD is a fairly no nonsense kind of child and briskly told her to dry her eyes and stop being so silly. I do wonder whether the other child's mother always lets her win.

BrandNewAndImproved · 17/12/2015 16:11

Noo guests win the games as birthday dc already has presents that day!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 17/12/2015 16:18

Yy - birthday child does not win!

I was at a 4yo party recently - the dad in charge of Pass the Parcel watched like a hawk to ensure he was stopping the music on a different child each time, so they all got a mini bag of Haribo and then the last child (DD, as it happened) got the present. I'm going to do that when DD's birthday comes around.

BobberClobber · 17/12/2015 16:33

This thread is an eye opener. It would never have crossed my mind to engineer games so the birthday child wins. Nor would it occur to me to make sure the birthday child loses either! It's a game, surely it's the person with most skill or luck who wins?!

Original poster

Timri · 17/12/2015 16:35

PS Dad was Matilda good?

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DadDadDad · 17/12/2015 20:18

Matilda was very entertaining, a real spectacle with at least one catchy song. My 8yo daughter enjoyed it.

tobysmum77 · 17/12/2015 21:04

Whoever wins wins is my opinion. My dd at 5 used to cry when she lost I never put her back in though - as didn't the other sensible mums I know. But then Andy Murray has always been a bad loser and he's done alright from it, so maybe it's a sign of greatness.

wanderings · 17/12/2015 21:40

How do you engineer who wins Pin the Tail on the donkey?

AnnaMarlowe · 17/12/2015 22:58

wanderings my DS is very, very good at pin the tail. He always was the real winner at all his parties. But as we usually had about 40 tails pinned to the board it was easy enough just call out the name of the next nearest kid.

My two are well trained not to make a peep about winning at their own party.

Morganly · 17/12/2015 23:27

Why do adults insist on competitive games at children's birthday parties? Everyone hates losing. Don't pretend it is only badly brought up children who hate losing. I have been at plenty of adult occasions where there are quizzes or trivial pursuits or other competitive activities which people take seriously and become competitive. And some people are miffed but hide it by pretending not to care and getting judgy about the overtly competitive people.

It is horrible for a child to be "out" at her own birthday party. She was upset and hasn't yet learned how to pretend not to be in social situations. Her parents didn't want her to be upset at her own birthday party so tried to engineer a situation where she wouldn't be. They are good, kind parents.

Do you really all deliberately make your child lose every game at their own birthday parties in order to teach them to sublimate their natural feelings to social conventions? Hideous and cruel.

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/12/2015 23:38

I really wouldn't blame a five year old for throwing a tantrum about losing a game, on account of the fact she's, well, five. Dismissing her as a brat and so on assumes a level of emotional maturity and capability that a five year old really shouldn't be expected to possess.

I remember losing at musical chairs at about that age and crying my eyes out. It's what kids do. Our job is supposed to be to parent them about it rather than dismiss them as bad personalities. In my case, the mums took me into the kitchen and said, "Tears? At a party? But it's a game, Sheba! Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Would you rather never ever play with your friends?"

I hope nobody saw my kiddie meltdown as some kind of severe character flaw...

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 23:48

Oh ffs. The parents foresaw a problem and thought it would be better to just smooth it over than cause a disruption. Does not mean they are terrible people or that the child is spoilt, they were just stressed out and made a snap judgment.

theycallmemellojello · 17/12/2015 23:51

And completely agree about the lack of empathy with a5 year old. Yes, we all have to learn to lose graciously, but that hard lesson doesn't have to be on your fifth birthday in front of a highly judgmental audience of sour faced adults.

Original poster

Timri · 18/12/2015 00:20

It was more the fact of the parents reaction to the out kids being let back in, they were not happy about it, which is why I was laughing (I did say I felt slightly evil, in my defence), than about the birthday girl crying. I just think if you're the type of parent who likes to... engineer games so birthday dc wins, perhaps you're better off sticking to games like pass the parcel, rather than games that have clear rules, and with other children having already abided by those rules and seen another child have the same tules not being applied.
One of the 'out' kids looked pretty upset/confused when birthday girl was told she was allowed to stay in, even though all the out kids were watching and shouting out who had moved.
Then they were told they were all back in, then just all given prizes and all walked off looking pretty bewildered.

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AnnaMarlowe · 18/12/2015 00:33

But Morganly how else are children to learn to be good winners and good losers if they never get a nice safe opportunity to play competitive games.

Like it or not, the world is competitive, it's a key part of parenting to teach your child to deal with that. And actually but 'everyone' hates losing games - plenty of people are fine with it.

I'm deeply amused by the idea that I'n a 'hideous and cruel' parent because I've brought my children up to understand that it is polite to let your guests win at your birthday party.

And as for 'sublimnating their feeling to suit social conventions' good parents teach our children to do that all the time. Or no child would ever learn not to tantrum, how to control their temper, how to sit nicely in a cafe or restaurant, how to wait patiently in a queue, how to sit through a boring school lesson etc etc ad nausem.

Social conventions are really important - if you don't believe me have a quick flick through AIBU for numerous examples.

Original poster

Timri · 18/12/2015 00:35

'and with other children having already abided by those rules and seen another child have the same tules not being applied'

^ This doesn't make any sense, but you know what I mean

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Original poster

Timri · 18/12/2015 00:43

Personally I think it was selfish of them. I'm sure that no one wants their dc being upset at their party, but I think it was a pretty shitty of them to do it at the expense of the other kids there.
It did give the impression they didn't care if the guest dc enjoyed themselves/we're happy etc.
Why make it solely about birthday dc (Of course it's their party, but you know what I mean)

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TheHouseOnTheLane · 18/12/2015 00:45

YANBU My friend who is very reasonable in ALL ways has a blind spot when it comes to her DS. She was letting him win ALL the games on his party day and had special wrapped prizes for him! The kids were all about 4 or 5 so were getting understandably bitter! In pass the parcel she had a pack of haribo between each layer which all the other kids got to "win" and then her child was the main winner at the end with a wrapped and fabulous laser gun thing!

I had to have a word before his 5th party to let her know!

northern78 · 18/12/2015 00:50

This reminds me of a school disco. Dd1 was year 1 and dd2 nursery. Dd2 was out in musical statues and got upset. Dd1 moved to comfort her and was out too. I was so proud of her although I felt it was mean of the organisers to say she was out.

Original poster

Timri · 18/12/2015 00:56

TheHouse What did she say when you brought it up? (Obviously the conversation didn't go badly, as you didn't put XF )
I'm assuming that sometimes people get so wrapped up in making sure their dc have a great day (and parties are stessful) that sometimes people just forget that there are other dc who came to have fun, and enjoy the day, as opposed to bringing a gift and then standing around watching their friend 'win' more gifts.

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Original poster

Timri · 18/12/2015 00:57

northern dc2 may have tried to stealthily re enter a game one or two times...

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TheHouseOnTheLane · 18/12/2015 04:00

Tim Luckily she's a very good friend and took it well....she does get wrapped up in things and focuses on tiny details a lot without seeing the big picture. I did it with humour and she saw the truth of the matter!

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