Would you give this woman a wide berth?

[80schild]

I have been friends with this woman since our children were born. Our children went to nursery together and now are at school together, so I have known her about 7 years.

Alarm bells started about 2 years ago when they started school. She was always very quick to talk about people but I initially I thought it was just an extension of friendship to gossip a bit. However, in the past year I have had two really unpleasant experiences involving her.

The first was at ds1's birthday party. The entertainer was really bad to the point that some parents complained about her. The friend didn't say anything to me but a couple of hours after dh and I were browsing the Internet and found a review that had been written that day saying it was the worst party she had ever been to. I confronted her with it and she took it down but never apologised. I excused it as a moment of poor judgement but two weeks ago there was another incident.

This time it involved the whole class. I am on the committee of pta but she is a very vocal helper. She suggested something at the school be done one way and because I thought she was a friend (and because I thought she had a good point I decided to support her). Loads of people disagreed with her but somehow she managed to wriggle out it by saying "I completely disagree with 80s and it was her who said it". A few days later when I tried to pin her down about it she started having a go at me and telling me it was my fault (if only she knew how much grief I took on her behalf) and that I was too "controlled"

There are two issues with ignoring her. The first is our kids get on really well and the second is that we are forced together by school and share he same circle. She is charming and I think reasonably good at getting on with people. Inwardly, I am still really angry about the trouble she caused me.

Yes.

I don't understand the first example. If the entertainer was awful, what's the problem with her leaving a negative review? If anything, she was kind not to say it to your face?

The second one, yes, she is BU. If you don't value her and she doesn't add value to your life, steer clear.

She's a liar, by the sound of it. There will be more of this behaviour coming. Distance yourself from her without disrupting your children's friendship.

I don't understand the first one: if other people were complaining too, surely that it what online reviews are for (as long as she wasn't saying something like "anyone who books something as obviously lame as this is a cruel and stupid mother")

The second one sounds like stirring and two-facedness.

Nothing wrong with letting a friendship slide a little - we all need different things from our friends at different stages in life, and maybe right now she isn't a good person to be in your life more than she needs.

1st one was reasonable. If the entertainer is bad, people should be warned.

The 2nd one, she's obviously being a shit stirrer ridiculous. A good friend would have your back. But... If you had the courage of your convictions it wouldn't matter that she wriggled out though. A good idea is a good idea regardless of the source.

That said, I'd ditch her. You're not her "consequence free" mouth piece where you get all the blame if no one likes what she says, but she would of course get all the credit if it went well.

She sounds like the kind of person who likes an audience. When her child started school, her potential audience grew and that's why her behaviour got worse.

I would take a step back from the friendship. No need to ignore her but perhaps spend a little less time together. She'll soon be looking for someone else to 'play off'.

I get that it's upsetting to fave your DS's party which presumably you organised branded ' the worse ever'. But if the entertainer was so bad then I think you have to accept the criticism was for them not your DS or you. Sounds as if it was just a bit close for comfort.
On the second one I don't know does sound like she back tracked when confronted but you know what some people are confident to push their ideas forward - especially if it's controversial. But as a member of the pta you should only push it if it's a genuinely good idea

Either way she's rubbed you up the wrong way so yes take a step back - kids are getting older so less need to hang around at school gates or on play dates. So it should be easy to handled subtly and with no fall out.

Sigh crap typing there
--- it's upsetting to have
--- some people are not confident to push their ideas forward -

Bloody phone and my stubby fingers

Agree with others that the first one is fine, the second does sound bad. But also better to not let friendships colour how you act at PTA meetings.

I wouldn't have a fallout, just spend less time with her and limit conversations to subjects that you wouldn't mind if she gossiped what you've said to other people.

Thank you all. Good advice here.