AIBU re Christmas gift for DH

[TathitiPete]

I’m throwing this open to the esteemed Mumsnet jury. AIBU or is it my own bloody fault?

I like to be organised. I like to have Christmas gifts sorted early so I can sit back and relax knowing that it’s taken care of. Some people like the last minute mad dash but I’m a bit too anxious for that. DH and I agreed a budget for each others Christmas presents. But when I asked him for the money he decided that he didn’t want anything. So he wasn’t going to give me any money. Problem is, I’d already bought him something and was relying on him giving me that money back! I do have him two small presents and he says ‘That’s enough’ and he has also requested something else small that I don’t have the money for because of buying him the other thing.

I know that it is my own fault for buying the present before I physically had the money but we live in the middle of nowhere quite a remote area and I was recently in the city for an antenatal appointment so I thought I’d take advantage of that and get his present. I doubt I’ll even be able to return it now as the box has a small rip

AIBU to be quite annoyed that he changed his mind? There’s also the fact that I wanted to get him a nice present. Not sure what to do now. If I give him the present he’ll (naturally) wonder where the money came from. I don’t want him giving out to me on Christmas morning for buying him a present. I could keep it for his birthday but that’s not til May. So far I’ve just been asking him if he’s sure he doesn’t want a present and hoping he changes his mind back. Better ideas welcome.

You should never have to ask him for money.
We have joint income, joint expenditure and joint access to everything.

Just explain that you have already bought something.

I am a SAHM and have been for 11 years. At no time have I ever had to ask Dh for money. We have been together for 19 years, married for 16. He knows he can trust me not to be stupid, just like I trust him not to be stupid.

Joint account and you should both have the same amount of spends each month to do with what you like.

You need to stop, tomorrow, this asking for money and it's all his shite.

This is horrible, all adults should have access to money for small spends without discussing it.
Small spends includes presents, which are discretionary tokens of affection from your personal resources which you could have kept for yourself, but you didn't, because you wanted to give a present.
How small is "Small" depends on your household income.

My dd1 gets pocket money because she is numerate enough to manage it and because everyone should get a little money that is their own to do what they like with. dd2 will too when she is old enough.
this money is unconnected with "chores".

All people in the household help out according to their ability. This is not negotiable: none of us gets to forfeit money in exchange for sitting on our arses; and if someone breaks a leg they don't lose a right to access our resources (even though this may mean our income is reduced overall, they still get their share).

AND

all people in the household get age appropriate spends. That's how it is. it is part of our dignity and freedom.

Just so much more to this than the present, isn't there.
He decides that he doesn't want to do presents, probably knowing you've already been organised and got him something (I assume he knows you well enough that you would have already sorted something out?) - this lets him out of buying you anything.
He gets most of the income, for some utterly unfathomable reason, yet is a student? Why?

Your set-up is completely unreasonable. Try to sort it out so that it's fair to BOTH of you, not just him. And give the present to him if you want; or sell it on ebay.

This isn't about the present.

He isn't working so what money is coming in and why is it his?

You are on Mat leave?

Both me and dh work and have a joint account for bills and savings. We get paid the same so both have the same money left over. We buy presents for each other out of that.

The fact that he will get annoyed in Christmas morning and the fact Taft he will be wondering where you got the money is not good. He is controlling you.

This isn't ok. You need to tell him, you have bought presents. You want the money and you want things to change in how your finances are run.

This is not ok.

If you really want to do this before Christmas I would return the presents and pay the bill.

Begging/asking my DH for money would horrify me. As a (mainly) SAHM, I have full access to our joint account, which all income goes into and we have our own personal 'spends' which we use to spend as we wish, including presents for each other. Can you think of any way of changing this situation? Presumably you've tried talking to him about it, or maybe you've just accepted that's the way things are?

On a more practical, immediate note, try to return the present. The small rip on the box probably won't matter. When he said he'd changed his mind, did you say 'Er, we agreed we'd spend £xx on each other, so I've already bought it. If you don't give me the cash, I won't be able to afford to pay the xx bill', or just keep quiet and hope he changed his mind?

If you are getting benefits they are for the entire family, not just for him. Please tell him this has to be sorted out immediately.

And just keep his present till May.