To be mortified that HV thinks I'm struggling

[midnightsunshine]

I am struggling a bit but thought I was hiding it really well. At 2nd visit HV made an extra appointment to come back at 3months (I thought it was to discuss his colic) she admitted it was because I seemed 'fragile'!

I appreciate her coming back today and it was good to chat and I'm really glad of her support... but I'm so embarrassed to be earmarked as someone fragile! I've just realised the baby massage course I attended at children's centre (everyone recruited by their HVs) were all mums who were struggling or had PND. It was a great class with half the session as group discussion, but I never thought of myself as being obviously in need of support (though I had wondered why the ladies running the centre were so nice to me and knew me by name!)

I've had clinical depression in past and this does not feel like that at all. I try to keep positive I'm just finding it hard coping with a small baby. Getting out the house is a struggle. At home I cry when he won't stop crying. He scratches and headbutts and screams in my face when he's in pain with colic and I know it's not his fault but it's horrible when it lasts for hours.

I love him very much it's just the crying that gets me down and the anxiety over whether he's ok and never having time to finish anything or go anywhere. And not having time for DH upsets me. Surely these feelings are normal though and will get better soon? HV suggested visiting GP but I don't want to go on antidepressants.

Anyone else felt like this?

Please don't be mortified. Take all the help you can get. I agree so much with what Noodles said about us not being designed to do this alone. There is NO shame in 'struggling' with a colicky baby, especially if it's your first. DD1 had colic and tongue tie so feeding was a nightmare. She screamed all day and I felt like nothing I did was good enough.

I also thought I didn't have PND because I had had depression before and it was 'different'. I had bonded with her and I thought PND meant you couldn't bond. Now I have DD2, who doesn't have colic, I can look back and see how much harder it was with a colicky newborn and also how I was feeling was so far from normal.

I'm not saying you have PND by the way, but getting support now may prevent it. If you're enjoying the class, just keep going, why not? The HV is not judging you, I promise, just doing her job. There's no shame or failure in accepting help, even if you don't feel you really need it, just take it now, think of it as shoring up your coping resources for when you need them later if that helps you.

Also, if you can find another mum whose baby has colic at the class, seek them out for a coffee some time. It used to drive me nuts talking to my friends about how I was finding it with DD1 because it was almost like they didn't believe me when I said 'I can't put her down or she will scream and not stop until she goes blue in the face' or 'she won't sleep in a cot/ go in a pushchair'. They just thought I was being all PFB and couldn't cope with a bit of normal whinging. IME, people really don't understand unless they've had a colicky baby themselves.

OP poor you - this is so common and I've been there too. I used to drive around 'so DD could nap' but really so she couldn't see me crying!

However, I'm going to take a slightly different tack. I think you should do what feels right to you.

It's very personal. I do not like talking about my feelings to strangers and I like you was very resistant to going on ADs. In my case, it did 'just go away' - mostly. I got support from DH, I started exercise and we arranged guaranteed me-time/ exercise time every week. I also went back to work. These things really helped.

I don't mean you shouldn't seek help, but rather, think about what is really getting you down and then make sure whatever action you take helps that. Can the GP give you meds for colic, e.g.? It is not illegal to try and sort yourself out - if that is what you want.

I would have LOVED for my HV or my GP to be that careful and to take notice that I was well in myself.

Instead I had a HV that fobbed me off when I said I wanted to have a chat about PND. And a GP that never said anything at the 6 weeks review but then told me it was my fault that I didn't get any help because she had said to come back if I wasn't feeling great.
Well as I was in full denial about it (like a lot of other women with PND), it didn't work. That plus the fact I wasn't in the position to actually hear what she said. I just heard 'You are fine' not the subtext that was supposed to be 'obvious'.

dc1 had an allergy to milk that got undiagnosed until he was 4~5 months old because no one listened to me (I was clearly one of 'those' overreactive mums). It's awful when you have a baby that you know isn't well but you are basically told there is nothing wrong with them :(:(.

Looking back now, I would take all the help you can. Look at HomeStart too. And go and have a chat with your HV again. There is noting to be mortified about. Why on earth would you be mortified to be ill or needing support with what is a very hard position to be in?

Thank you ladies, you've made me feel so much better.

Yes I agree the first step is accepting I'm struggling and need help rather than denying it. I thought I'd be a natural earth mother type, never expected to find it this hard!

I took your advice and went out today, it was so lovely to be out. I don't drive and getting pram on bus is a nightmare so I popped him in sling and went Christmas shopping. He slept all afternoon in sling and I even managed a coffee out! It's the first time I've used sling in city centre, was so much easier than pram, felt free again as I could use escalators and stairs instead of waiting for lifts.

Often end up staying in as takes so long to get ready... I have to wait for him to nap so I can get showered, dressed, grab some food, pack all his stuff etc. He's usually crying by time I've finished so then it's trying to wrestle him into warm clothes while he's screaming, last-min feed and nappy-change etc. He often has nappy explosions which I find difficult in public as have to change all his clothes. But I always feel better and more in control when I've been out.

He's on Infancol and Dentinox, tried Colief without success. Will try excluding dairy, I don't drink much milk but have wondered if he could have milk allergy?

My DH helps but he works long hours and he can't grasp why I feel down. I've wanted a baby for a long time, so he thinks I should be happy now.

Yes I enjoyed baby massage course. Wish I'd swapped details with some of the other mums now. At the time I thought it strange how we were all struggling and 2 of the ladies used to cry every class (1 had a baby who wouldn't sleep, the other was open about having PND). During discussion time the leader gave talks about coping with crying, why you mustn't shake babies, what to do if you can't cope etc. She kept stressing we could come to the centre for a coffee and chat anytime it was open. I didn't think much of it at the time but now I realise we must have seemed in need of support!

When I had depression in past I tried Trazadone, Mitrazipine and Citirizine without success, but CBT, NLP (and leaving my first H!) helped. I was on anti-anxiety meds up until I got pregnant. I don't want to stop BF so that makes me wary of going on meds again.

At what point did you start enjoying motherhood more and coping with daily life better?

Just some practical stuff on the nappies:

If the poo leaks are common, do try different brands of nappies and sizes. Make sure that the frilly bit round the leg is correct.

If all else fails, wraps like this might help. They are designed for reuseables, but I discovered that they also make a helpful extra layer for poo explosion prone babies. Not sure how tight your finances are, but might be worth a try?

You don't need to wait for him to nap to shower. He might yell, but it won't hurt him to yell in the bouncy chair in the bathroom or in his cot for 5-10 minutes. DS had to do it regularly as DH worked away a lot and I had two kids to get to school! It might seem mean to 'leave him' but he will benefit from having a happy mum who gets out and about far more than the minor annoyance of being put down. If you go for bouncy chair in the bathroom you can even talk to him the whole time.

You don't need to stop breastfeeding on anti-anxiety/ anti-depressants unless they're very high doses. The Breastfeeding Network online has some good info about all medications and feeding.

I also thought pnd meant there wasn't a bond or that id want to hurt my DD... (undiagnosed but recognized by me for this pregnancy .. I've a very helpful, lovely and hands on hv for my ds 8 weeks) ...my pnd ended up being entirely the opposite thing... I couldn't let her cry, couldnt let anyone hold her, didn't sleep when she slept which lead to exhaustion which only went to exacerbate the problem. I think it eased around 6-8months to a point (I still panic if she falls over but I think that's normal-ish..) but as with all things it is a personal thing. (I only realised that anything was off - looking back - when the bubble of pnd popped. I know it sounds awful but with dc2 I've just gone with the flow.. if he cries I let him cry, when he sleeps I sleep, when people offer to help I take it. The fogginess goes honestly it does good luck op xx

Dc1 has colic, I had PND and anxiety. The feelings you describe bring it all back. I tended to isolate due to DC's screaming. I lost contact with my NCT friends as, during coffee mornings, it was only my DC who would inevitably scream after 20 mins, whilst their DCs napped quietly on a lap. I ended up in a M&B unit and learned what I should have been doing I.e, give myself a break, stop beating myself up and accept support.

In answer to your question, DC stopped screaming at 14 weeks (most collicky babies stop at approx 12 weeks) but he was still a frustrated, demanding baby. However it became much more manageable at this point; communication develops and you get something back, other than screams. He is now a gorgeous 6 year old.

As others have said, go easy on yourself and do accept help. I went onto SSRIs and stopped breastfeeding at 6 weeks. I agonised over it for far too long. DC was a hungry baby, didn't care where the milk came from and I felt much better. When I think about myself during those dark times, I just want to give myself a hug, it was such a shock.

Just wanted to add my support OP. You sound like a caring Mum. As others have said, it will get better, but I appreciate it might be hard to see that at the moment. I found the 'witching hour' (i.e. between 5.30-7pm) very tough with colicky crying and seeing DD in pain. As others have said and indeed you have tried, popping him in the pram and going for a walk may help. Obviously that is difficult when you are tired yourself. Do you have any friends or NCT chums that might be able to take him for a couple of hours so you can get a bit of sleep? A few hours might make you feel like a different woman.

In response to the question at the end of your last post, I found it became at lot easier at about the five month mark. No more colic and better sleeping by that stage. We regressed slightly with weaning between 6-8 months: I found five bottles and three meals very stressful, particularly as I am not a good cook. Fortunately, our HV hit two of the bottles on the head at 8 months. Now (1 year last week) we are down to two bottles and three meals and it feel SO lovely and civilised. We can go out on a Saturday afternoon with only a couple of nappies! It is a wonderful feeling after months of going out with an amount of kit that would have impressed Scott of the Antartic.

Good luck OP. Things will turn a corner and it will start to become fun.