To resent my husband for being sick?!

[pombear1]

Hey ladies - this is my first post and I'm feeling pretty low. Am 7 months pregnant and working 4 days a week. My OH and I are pretty equal when it comes to doing bedtimes etc and thats always been our way. But now that its the xmas season my OH has had a series of xmas parties over the last fortnight meaning I have been home alone in the evenings a lot, while he is out drinking and he plays football EVERY saturday 11-6. So I feel like for the last month the scales have definitely tipped to me being 'default parent' doing the lions share of the childcare. This week when not working I have been with our toddler on my own - so all day Friday and Saturday and was really looking forward to just a bit of time to myself on Sunday but then OH goes and gets flu on sat night (after a huge day of drinking on friday and football on saturday) so alone again yesterday on mummy duty. Today I am meant to be at work but childminder is off and OH in bed. My one and only christmas party was tonight. I obviously cant go and I am so furious at him. He got to go to all his parties, he got to go and play football, and now he's sick. The ONE night i was going to go and have some (sober) fun. I havent had a moment away from my DC for nearly a week and I feel like I am going nuts. He has more parties at the end of the week and its all i can do to scream at him that he isn't going to them. AIBU to expect him to not go to any this week once better so i can take some time for me??

I do think its flu - he has a temperature and is all shivers/sweats etc. I of course don't resent him being ill - he cant control that. I do think he has become ill from overdoing it, he isn't twenty anymore and all day drinking followed by days playing sport probably dont help the immune system. I cant go to the party as I have had to take the day off work for childcare and it will look like i am taking the P*ss if i miss work but turn up for the party i think......

Personally think the equal thing is too much in the centre of your focus.
Marriages/family aren't always equal.
Do you begrudge the fact that he has had several parties already and your 'only getting one' cos that isn't equal....

If he goes out do you then go out so its equal? Or if he spends £100 on himself do you do the same so it's equal?
The equality is making this issue far bigger then is necessary.
It should be about whether or not he is genuinely too ill to care for his own child.

Options:
Yes, he is genuinely too ill. In this case, it sucks, but give up your night out and care for him as well as DC.
No, he has a cold and wants to sleep. In this case tell him to grow the fuck up and just leave him to put DC to bed without any real conversation. Get ready and go out.

Mums have to carry on with Flu - they don't get to spend the day in bed moaning - he needs to dose himself up, if you can get toddler down before you go all well and good - nothing much for him to do other than realise he is responsible. Life goes on - its not like a job where you can switch off and butt out when poorly unless you are physically in hospital.

yes, calmly claim your free time. Plan a night out with some lovely friends if you can next week

I'm not a doctor but I would be very surprised if real flu just sprang out of nowhere.

Well, prepare ot be surprised! That is generally how viruses work - BAM you're sick.

I've had 'real flu' three times, twice as a teenager and adult that I can remember clearly. One came on overnight and I woke up feeling terrible. The other time came on over the course of about 6 hours - started with a small cough and sort throat and deteriorated rapidly and 6 hours later I had a massive temp and was delirious.

Yeah flu comes out of nowhere. It's like a sucker punch when the immune systems backs turned.

Colds do the full on punchup for a few days before winning, if they win.

If you've taken the day off for childcare rather than phoning in sick then you should still be able to go to your party surely?

pombear - I imagine there are many of us, swearing away about it! I think it makes a massive difference what the do is. I will tolerate stuff that is necessary for work, because I know it does make a difference to teams and it is important for my DH in terms of what he does. I'm much less tolerant of stuff that is more voluntary, IYSWIM.

I think in your case, given that these aren't work-critical, I'd put my foot down. You're being so kind giving your DP space because of the prospect of a second child - but you have to remember that both kids is a shared responsibility, not just yours. As is housework, as is Christmas.

I don't see why you should be isolated at home while he goes out like this- it is a bit of a vicious circle otherwise, where he does more socialising than you, and therefore gets invited to more things, and therefore dumps more on you. Meanwhile, your time out gets reduced and reduced and because of that you get more and more isolated. It also becomes the thing that gets sacrificed whenever you're both under any strain (e.g. with an illness). Don't let that happen! You have a right to a break too.

Where does this "Mum's have to carry on..." come from?

If I have ever been ill with 'flu either DH has taken time off work to look after me plus the children, or we've asked friends for help. And vice versa if DH is ill...

I agree - it's going to look a bit bad if you have taken the day off at short notice and then rock up to the Christmas party later. That sucks.

I take it that he usually looks after your child on a Monday. Can he take a childcare day on Friday so that you can have a day off or go into work to make up the time?

Sit down with him later when he is feeling a bit better and say that he has a choice - parties or football [assuming both are booked in for next weekend] but that you are taking some time off for you.

Or pick which one you prefer and tell him.

I have had flu three times, twice since I had children. It left me virtually bedridden each time, I didn't have the energy to get down stairs, I couldn't face food, struggled to focus on tv/book/internet etc. I could not manage childcare, DH and my parents did it all. If he has genuine flu, you can't go out.

I've had bad colds too, but I just got on with things during those illnesses and so should he.

So for me, it depends on what is wrong with him, exactly.

If you miss your party later because he genuinely has flu, make sure you plan a night out with friends at a later date (give it a week though).

Put toddler (and DH) to bed (early if necessary) and go out. Dose DH up with whatever. As you say you will be sober and presumably not out till 4 am. He will sleep-manage.

Take next weekend as it comes and arrange something with friends then instead. Aren't you invited to any of these parties too?

Proper flu is truly dreadful - absolutely floored me for a fortnight. If he's made you miss work for because he's got a cold and is tired after all his socialising then you have more problems than missing a night out.

Actually deffo sort something out for next weekend. Daytime or evening. Pay a babysitter if necessary. It can come out of his party budget.