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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really really upset? (& angry with DH)

38 replies

HicDraconis · 11/12/2015 23:57

I had a funeral to go to this morning. Not a family member but a colleague with whom I have worked for the last 6 years. She was amazing and died very unexpectedly.

DH had his hobby to go to this morning. Usually it would finish 11:30, in time for me to be at the service for 12. Today was an unusual morning in that training was combined with an extremely high level grading (5th dans grading to 6th dan, it started at 6am).

DH stayed to both sessions (general class which finished on time and the following class which overran by over an hour due to it also being part of the grading). He therefore has only just left - and in the meantime, I have been at home with our children wondering where the hell he is.

AIBU to be really sad at missing the funeral, and fuming with DH for staying to the grading part of the second class when he knew I needed him back? He says he couldn't leave (which is nonsense, because I rang the dojo to find out if he was still there and was told he could have done). He could (and should) also have known that as part of an extraordinary grading, the class wouldn't run to time. He didn't need to stay to the second session, he wanted to. And forgot about the funeral until too late (it's been on the weekly planner all week, he wrote it there).

He's been out 9.15-13:30, leaving me with both boys, a house to clear up before visitors for lunch (who will get here before he does), a lunch to sort for 9 people, apparently an afternoon play date is also happening (DS2 just told me) - and I was at work yesterday 7.30-midnight, will be back tomorrow 8am for 24h.

I am pissed off! Feel slightly better for venting, as you were.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 12/12/2015 08:00

Well, it was a shitty thing to do, but it sounds like he knows that, and has apologised sincerely.

I guess, because of DS2's illness, all the planning and expectation of what would happen went to pot. So, even though the funeral was on the planner, I can see how he might have forgotten, because the plan for what would happen (you all going to karate, but you leaving early) changed unavoidably at the last minute.

So, it was understandable, in a way. It doesn't sound like he made a decision to stay, deliberately, just that he forgot. Which doesn't seem as bad to me, particularly as he is usually not so thoughtless.

Original poster

HicDraconis · 12/12/2015 08:05

WizzardHat he forgot initially, then remembered half way through the overrunning second session. By which time he was kneeling with the other kyu grades. There's no clock in the dojo, so he had no idea of what the time was, he just felt the session was overrunning.

My lovely friend would laugh.

OP posts:

AskBasil · 12/12/2015 08:23

Wow.
That's a phenomenal level of selfishness.

Wow.

differentnameforthis · 12/12/2015 08:34

His excuse of "I couldn't leave" means that he DID remember the funeral. He didn't say he forgot about it...that is the important distinction here.

He just didn't want to leave.

Because he didn't want you to go
Because he didn't want the kids on his own
Because he didn't want to have to get things ready for the lunch

Who knows. He did this on purpose op.

Does he have form for shitty behaviour?

Domino777 · 12/12/2015 08:41

Awful behaviour. Very selfish

notinagreatplace · 12/12/2015 10:22

So, he didn't forget? He was aware, during the session, that it was likely overrunning, which would mean that you couldn't get to the funeral and he just decided "oh, it would be socially awkward to leave, so I won't". That is pretty damn shit and he should be feeling bad about it. Let him feel guilty.

To be honest, I don't understand why he went in the first place? I know these sorts of hobbies can get allconsuming but, sometimes, other things have to come first.

scarlets · 12/12/2015 10:38

It's great that he's contrite but the important thing is that something similar doesn't happen again. No point repeating this behaviour and being terribly sorry afterwards, over and over again.

Sorry about your colleague.

Original poster

HicDraconis · 12/12/2015 18:23

differentname he has the boys on his own more often than I do (ft wohm, DH is sahd). He wouldn't have been bothered by it, or by putting a picnic from the fridge to the table.

notinagreatplace he agrees with you that he shouldn't have gone in the first place.

It's difficult to describe the level of respect and social etiquette in a dojo unless you know it. I understand why he felt he couldn't leave (although I also know the level of compassion and caring within the dojo and that actually, he probably could have done). He's still feeling awkward this morning. I start work in an hour, ho hum.

OP posts:

Speederman · 12/12/2015 18:49

I'm sorry for your loss and yanbu to be angry.

It reminds me of when I was already in labour and DH went to karate training... I agreed on the condition that he warned the sensai that I was in labour and he left his mobile on just in case (big no no usually but the sensai was understanding and I trained there too).

As I expected I did need him back to go to the hospital... But he didn't answer his phone! I phoned so many times fuming and eventually rang the reception to go and get him. It does feel wrong to interrupt a karate session (or arrive/leave a few minutes late/early) but some situations merit it.

museumum · 12/12/2015 20:04

I do get it (jitsu background) once you're in there there's no clicks and you do have to follow. Its quite military in that you are told where to sit and kneel and there's absolutely no chatting or even putting your hand up and asking during formal bits.

His mistake was going into the grading at all. I have a dh who is chronically over-optimistic about what he can achieve in a given time. He'd have been sure he'd be back in time. I'd have told him that he WONT. that it won't be on time and that he cannot risk being late home. He'd have said "I'm sure it'll be fine, there's plenty of time" and I'd have had to say over and over that it's not worth the risk and he must come out after the second class. In fact, I'd have arranged to meet someone half an hour before the service and given the time for getting to that to dh as my absolute MUST leave time.

It's fucking ridiculous that I have to do this. But it's is only real fault. And he doesn't just do it to me, he does it all the time - I can get to X in y minutes and grab petrol on the way and check a few emails before I leave and and and.....

BrandNewAndImproved · 12/12/2015 20:07

What a dickhead

Original poster

HicDraconis · 12/12/2015 23:07

museumum I wonder if your DH is somehow related to mine! That's it exactly, the overoptimistic idea on what can be done in a certain amount of time. He originally stayed because he forgot I had to go out, then when he did remember he thought "oh well this class always finishes at 11:45, I can get home in 10 mins then Hic's service is only 5 min away so it'll all be OK" ... and then it overran and overran and he was only an hour late!

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2015 23:35

Yanu unreasonable. I do Taekwan-do and our grading always over run. Could he not leave or did he forget? I know forgetting is so easy, i do it too, but if that is the case he can't blame not being able to leave! If he did remember then he should have said 'family emergency' and just left!

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