to think my friend was wrong and the benefit doesnt outweigh the cost

[goggleboxismygod]

I've known friends A and B since primary school - we are all 28.

Friend A is a lovely person and generally good fun. However, she has fairly low self esteem and is often very self deprecating. I think that this is due to a combination of (i) her weight (she has always been large but recently she was told by a doctor that she is morbidly obese, which has particularly upset her) and (ii) the fact that she has a fairly severe learning disability.

She met a new guy at work a few weeks ago. She says they did a lot of flirting and got some teasing from the younger staff members about it. After a couple of weeks, he asked her on a date to a circus show and they now consider themselves in a relationship. She spends a lot of time posting statuses and messages on FB such as "I love you [name of boyfriend]" and picture of little presents he has bought her. He responds with messages which, granted, don't declare love, but they do say things like "thanks sexy girl" and "hope u are enjoying [gift]".

Only a couple of weeks into this relationship, friend A told friend B that the boyfriend had kissed someone else that week and she was upset. Friend B and I then invited friend A out for a chat and drinks to talk it through the very next day. However, friend A told us that she was already over it and that she didn't actually mind because (direct quote) "I know he's a bit of a flirt and i have to accept that he's like that. He doesn't mean any harm by it and we are taking it slow anyway".

Fast forward to last week. Friend B informed me that she had set up a fake FB profile and friended friend A's boyfriend. She put a LOT of work into this - fake pictures and adding various people that he knew to make it look legitimate. Friend B has been messaging said boyfriend with some absolutely filthy messages - which he has responded to with enthusiasm. She has even downloaded some amateur-looking porno selfies with no faces from the internet and sent them to him saying they are her and asking what he wants to do to her etc etc. On one of their exchanges, friend B asked him why he was messaging her and not his girlfriend. His answer was "i don't really fancy her anyway - people were teasing us so we ended up going out".

After a few of these exchanges, friend B then sent the messages to friend A, apologising for what she'd done but also declaring that the guy is a cheat and not worth her time and that she needs to dump him right away. Friend A called me - she is very upset about the cheating but is adamant she will not dump him because (quote) "we are taking it slow and I love him. He isn't over his ex yet so he wants to take it slow. He is the kind of guy that is always tempted and i understand that" yada yada yada. Nothing I can say tactfully or friend B can say less tactfully will change her mind. I truly believe that her low self esteem is causing this "don't let him go" attitude and i think she is going to get hurt constantly, until he finally dumps her for whatever he thinks is better so it's really upsetting to see this happen.

I am pretty angry at friend B. She thinks she did the right thing because even though friend A wont dump him, the benefit is that friend A now has all the facts and may not be quite so hurt if it happens again with a real person. I, however, disagree. I think that her low self esteem and personal image issues mean that she was never going to dump him for things like this and she would have been better off not knowing and just getting a clean break if he dumped her as all that has actually happened here is that friend A is upset and even more upset about herself. What do you think?

Friend B was well out of order.

Friend B is a cunt, an absolute fucking sick cunt.

Friend A might find her self esteem improving if she cuts B out of her life. I bet there's been all kinds of sly comments and things that have gone on under the radar, now you know what a twat B is I'll bet you start picking up on them.

Totally get your concerns about A's relationship, all you can do is be there, listen, offer advice if it's asked for.

OK I'm going to go slightly against the grain here on the basis that friend A has a severe learning disability. What is the nature of her disability and does this e.g. Make her more vulnerable for instance?

If she e.g. Has a mental age younger than an adult Then perhaps she needs people to look out for her more than someone who didn't have her disabilities.

She sounds very emotionally young, naive and vulnerable, and in truth there are some real bastards out there who would take advantage of that.

While I don't necessarily agree with friend b's methods, I can see why she might have done what she did, although in her shoes I would have used the evidence to go and tell the bloke that I knew and to let this girl down gently and then to fuck off to the other side of nowhere.

Friend B is insane, and actually I think that is a very cruel and spiteful thing to do. A true friend might talk to A privately and tactfully about her concerns, but going to that level of trouble, setting such a long and elaborate trap, to get evidence that A will find horribly humiliating and hurtful?

I don't think B has noble intentions. She sounds like one of those poisonous people who makes herself feel good by making other people feel like shit.

Friend B needs to move to either Walford or Weatherfield. This is normal behaviour there. Anywhere else it is really inappropriate.

I think friend B has a thing for friend A's boyfriend.

OP you've said all you can to friend A,I know it's really hard but from now on I think you'd be best of not saying anything about her boyfriend to her and just be there for her when he fucks up,which it sounds like he really will.
Otherwise if all your conversations end with something negative being said about her boyfriend every time you meet up when it does end she might find it hard to talk to you about it.

It sounds like friend A is very lucky to have you and I hope she goes onto meet someone who really deserves her.Maybe see if there's a way of helping her build up her self esteem and confidence,maybe there's a new hobby that she'd like to try out that you'd both enjoy.

Friend B sounds horrible. Friend A sounds v vulnerable. Sadly, we often accept the relationships / behaviour we think we deserve. People with low self esteem sometimes put up with sh*t because they don't think they deserve better

Friend B sounds like a right piece if work and I wouldn't want anyone like that as a friend of mine and I'd be very worried about the state of B's mind if she could go to such extremes to meddle in someone's relationship. Poor Friend A. I bet she feels fucking marvellous now.

Friend b shouldn't have done it! It's immature and interfering. Yes the guy is a dick and all you can do is advise your friend if she chooses not to listen then it's up to her she will learn the hard way. Tell friend b to grow up.