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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really disappointed with friend's reactions to this incident?

27 replies

PrincessTeacake · 09/12/2015 21:23

Last week I was on the other side of the country to work a children's entertainment job (this required me to wear a lot of make-up-this is relevant). After the job I went back to my hotel room to get changed, and then crossed the road to the local takeaway for food. As I was coming out of the takeaway, a car pulled up alongside me and the man inside tried to talk to me.

I look a lot younger than I really am, most people assume I'm in my teens. I was wearing a hat and rainjacket from Primark that I see on a lot of young girls and very bright make-up. I have reason to believe that this guy thought I was a teenager out late on a school night alone and thought 'easy pickings.' He tried to tell me he knew me, offered me a lift home, and when I went to leave he nearly cut me off. When I told him to fuck off he realized I was older than he thought and gave up.

I rang the Gardai, and it sounded like they'd had this complaint before. The next day I had a five-hour trip home and I didn't want to spend the whole journey dwelling on it, so I put it out of my head. It worked, I didn't think about it again until I came across a mention of the Rotherham grooming ring (the guy happened to be Asian). Needing a vent, I posted about it on facebook.

Most people were appropriately shocked and supportive, but my two 'best' friends said something I felt was a bit off. When someone asked if I'd gotten the reg and I said no because it was dark and the reg was behind me, my 'best' friend asked 'Did you at least make a complaint?' When I said I had, she just gave me a thumbs up. Nothing else.

My other 'best' friend kept on about why I'd waited a week to bring it up, and that I should have told her before that (she lives in the area but not near where it happened). She noted that usually the Gardai send around a notice to watch out for suspicious activity. To my mind, that's her casting doubt on my account of what happened.

I know it's stupid to be taking anything said on facebook seriously, but I live very far away from both of these girls and facebook is primarily how we communicate. I felt like they could have been a bit more supportive.

OP posts:
KeepOnMoving1 · 09/12/2015 21:27

Yabu and sound like you want to create an issue with them over it. While it was an unpleasant incident, you reported It and nothing actually did happen to you. What do you want 'support' over?

bumpertobumper · 09/12/2015 21:31

To be an armchair psychologist, it sounds like you are focusing your upset about the incident on your friends' reactions, rather than the actual upsetting thing which is the incident itself.
As you say you decided not to think about it or let it rattle you, but it is only natural that it will.
Yes, your friends should be more supportive, but it's hard to say the right thing 'in public'. Call them, they will probably say what you need and want to hear. If they don't tell them you hoped for more support as had a horrible upsetting experience.
Flowers

comedycentral · 09/12/2015 21:31

Not sure why they would react that way, my friends would be supportive.

Just wondering though, do you have form for posting stuff on fb? Are they treating it as a 'drama'?

I find it an unusual thing to say on fb you see, it's quite personal. May be they resent finding out on fb and they are wondering why you didn't contact them.

Original poster
PrincessTeacake · 09/12/2015 21:44

I barely post anything on facebook these days, and I don't usually post anything personal besides the occasional selfie. There's a bit of history with friend A being generally unsympathetic and I think this just made me see red with her. I don't know, it sounded like she thought I was making it up.

OP posts:
4yoniD · 09/12/2015 21:53

I'm going to be the voice of conciliation and point out a huge part of communication is body language, which is obviously missing on facebook. Humans are often not the best at communicating solely in writing, so bear in mind there could be misinterpretations on both sides which wouldn't happen face to face

VestalVirgin · 09/12/2015 21:55

YANBU, it is totally understandable that you'd be disappointed, especially considering that you count them as your best friends.

When I read the post title, I guessed it had something to do with sexual harrassment, and it seems I am not too far off.

Disappointing reactions are very common for that kind of thing. Your friend is likely upset because she lives in that area, and fears the guy could approach her.

Not believing someone and/or expecting them to alert the police are common reactions to feeling threatened.

Just to give you an explanation as to why they might react like this. Doesn't make it okay.

JoyceDivision · 09/12/2015 21:58

I came off FB due to the volume of posts and the drivel on it.

I tend to view most if not all posts on social media as not very important.

Have your friends viewed it this way?

If it was serious to you, why post it on facebook? Why not catch up for a telephone call or chat? I appreciate the distance between you means FB is useful but you've posted something you found unsettling on a tool people use to share minion pics and updates of what they've had for tea.

febreeze · 09/12/2015 22:21

Don't you just assume that he thought you were a street walker? Sounds like it to me. Not grooming. Was the area you were walking in a pick up area?

I used to work in an area where you got solicited on the petrol forecourt it was so rife.

ClancyMoped · 09/12/2015 22:22

Yabu
It's Facebook. I don't see anything wrong with your friends comments.

MelanieCheeks · 09/12/2015 22:25

I think they WERE being supportive! What would you gave wanted/ expected them to do?

VestalVirgin · 09/12/2015 22:25

Don't you just assume that he thought you were a street walker? Sounds like it to me.

Would that make his behaviour any more acceptable? I don't think it does.

Besides, pretending to know her sounds like he's a dangerous criminal, regardless of what he might have thought she was.

VestalVirgin · 09/12/2015 22:27

I think they WERE being supportive! What would you gave wanted/ expected them to do?

Thing is, with internet communication, "Did you at least make a complaint" can come across as "You are stupid for getting into this situation in the first place, but since it happened, you should at least do the reasonable thing and make a complaint", even if it is meant as "Poor you, that's horrible, did you at least get to make a complaint?"

fassbendersmistress · 09/12/2015 22:43

They are your 'best' friends and you 'primarily communicate by Facebook'?

If you don't communicate with people face to face, in real life, you're going to run into all sorts of similar problems. My advice is that when things happen in real life that really matter to you, reach out to the people you have contact with IN REAL LIFE. And if you must vent in Facebook (there's nothing wrong with that) just do it without any attachment to outcomes.

Original poster
PrincessTeacake · 09/12/2015 22:46

No, I don't think he thought I was a streetwalker. I was alone, clothed from head to toe in winter gear and carrying a bag of curry.

Facebook was just a handy way of talking to a lot of people all at once, which was what I really wanted, plus there are some girls who live around there I know that I wanted to make aware. My phone service was down at the time (I live rurally) and the internet connection was less sporadic. Plus friend A is in a different time zone.

It really did feel like 'Did you at least make a complaint' was dismissive, she didn't even reply directly to me. It was said after I replied to someone else asking if I'd gotten the reg (I didn't).

And I should point out that he didn't stop the car to talk to me, he drove it alongside me as I was trying to walk away and at one point blocked my path.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 09/12/2015 23:00

Maybe talk to your friends by phone, and tell them that you were disappointed? Or just mention the incident to give them another chance at an appropriate reaction.

mrtwitsglasseye · 09/12/2015 23:09

My first thought was that your friends thought you should have warned them it had happened so they could be careful themselves in the area? Or perhaps that they were hurt you hadn't looked for their support right away?

RealityCheque · 09/12/2015 23:17

Grip shop?

'Sake

SoWhite · 09/12/2015 23:21

I don't think either of them said anything out of turn, and that you are looking for drama.

Candlelight30 · 09/12/2015 23:59

I'm not in any way trying to minimise what must have been an unsettling event for you, but are you generally a bit of a "drama llama" OP?

Might they be reading your post and thinking "here we go again..." ? Perhaps unjustifiably this time, but if you've got form for attention seeking....

Leelu6 · 10/12/2015 00:06

I have reason to believe that this guy thought I was a teenager out late on a school night alone and thought 'easy pickings.' He tried to tell me he knew me, offered me a lift home, and when I went to leave he nearly cut me off. When I told him to fuck off he realized I was older than he thought and gave up.

Why do you think he thought you are older than you are?

Guys hit on girls. Whether they're Asian or not. The guy sounds like a creep but I think YABU for implying he is a paedophile because he is Asian and trying to chat you up.

Tbh, if I had seen your fb post, I would have thought you're a drama llama. Unless you have a reason for thinking that he thought you were young.

AbbyCadabra · 10/12/2015 00:11

Unwanted attention can be upsetting and frightening as most women know well. But you told him fuck off, off he fucked and you reported it.

The rest is all supposition by you; what you 'believe he thought', chucking in references to grooming gangs and the fact that he happened to be Asian.
It all sounds overly dramatic.

Enjolrass · 10/12/2015 06:56

It really depends on the Facebook post what you put tbh.

If you wrote it how you did here, there is a lot of assumptions mades. While it must have been upsetting you have filled in a lot of blanks yourself.

It's easy to do this and keep thinking 'what if?' But it's probably only worrying and upsetting you more.

Honestly if one of my best friends had something like that happen and they got the impression from the police that it had happened a lot...and they never mentioned it to me, I would be shocked.

Shocked my friends was so upset by it but didn't warn me and annoyed the police had done what they usually do and given information out.

Personally if someone posts something this serious on Facebook I don't comment or anything. It's not the sort of thing I would want to discuss on FB at all.

I would speak to my friends, because somethings can be read in a way they were not meant.

On FB giving someone the thumbs up is replying.

febreeze · 10/12/2015 07:02

Would that make his behaviour any more acceptable? I don't think it does.

No but it means that he isn't trying to groom someone! (just because he was Asian!)

Senpai · 10/12/2015 07:15

Tbh, if I had seen your fb post, I would have thought you're a drama llama. Unless you have a reason for thinking that he thought you were young.

People mistake me for a teen all the time omg the looks I got while I was pregnant. It is easy to tell the difference between the people hitting on me because they think I'm jail bait and people hitting on me that think I'm the adult I am. Think about how you talk to a teen and how you talk to an adult, and it's that fine line you can just tell. It's hard to describe what makes it so, but it's a pretty distinct difference.

I believe the OP in her perception on this, as I have experienced it more times than I want to count.

But to your friends, I agree with PP's. It's hard to tell intent from online text.

pilates · 10/12/2015 07:30

YABU and making a mountain out of a molehill.