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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to avoid reconciliation with this Mum 'friend'

26 replies

PurpleElla · 09/12/2015 13:56

I've known her since our DSs were in reception (now in year four, aged eight) and our DSs were friends and we both hosted the other's for tea regularly. She has also helped with a bit of babysitting and lifts to school.

However she's a bit of a chancer, has borrowed the odd tenner fairly regularly, and often not paid it back. Until it got to the point of her owing me around £40 when I called halt to the lending and then she asked my DH when I wasn't around.

I've also taken her and her children to the cinema, had her get pick and mix for all and then ask to borrow the money to pay for it. I had supplied the tickets and driven already. Another time she agreed to do a little halloween tea for all our kids together, then dropped her son off with excuses that she needed to be at home for a 'bit longer' and finally met up with me hours later when we were out trick or treating.

She recently divulged to me that she has drug addiction problems. At which point I decided I didn't want my son visiting her house (the drug mentioned was the big H). Unfortunately I handled it badly as when my son had asked repeatedly why not I told him that his friends Mum was involved in criminal things and so we would have his friend at our house in future. A stupid mistake, but I was distracted and busy and had been asked lots of times and didn't think it through.

She and her husband then turned up on my doorstep shouting at me and my husband, ranting. I offered for them to come in so I could come clean about the situation and try and work something out. He shouted "I don't want to hear anything from you" so we shut the door rather than stand and be abused on our own doorstep.

Then she sent a mean Facebook message saying others in the school had warned her about me and she wished she'd never trusted me.

Then it got odd. After the summer she began being friendly, as if nothing had happened and asking if our boys could hang out. Trying, I guess, to sort it out for her son. I told her I couldn't sort this out until she was prepared to talk about what happened. She made some flaky excuse and said we would, in the future. I haven't spoken to her since and this was about three weeks ago.

Last night she delivered a Christmas card, saying when can our boys get together, please contact me so we can arrange a time. My gut feeling is that I don't really want anymore to do with this person though I do feel bad about the boys. AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2015 14:03

It's tricky,,my gut woukd be to stay clear of her, you know know what she can be like. Or just have him occasionally round at yours, no lending her money.

YellowTulips · 09/12/2015 14:06

I'd say life's to short to deal with shit like this.

What do you get out of this friendship? Sounds like a less healthy bank and emotional balance.

If I had to guess there is a reason for this turn around and you're likely to find it in your purse.....

BeStrongAndCourageous · 09/12/2015 14:09

She's not trying to befriend you for her son's sake. She's doing it because she's an addict who's realised she's lost you as a source of drugs money.

Do not engage, and for her son's sake, report her to social services.

I grew up with an addict for a parent (alcohol in my case). She's not going to get "better", at least not without a lot of help, of the sort you are not qualified to provide, and unless she does she's a danger to herself and those around her.

DeltaZeta · 09/12/2015 14:15

Let's be blunt here. She is a heroin addict. She is incapable of being your friend - or anyone else's - while she remains an addict. You are right to distance yourself.

Original poster
PurpleElla · 09/12/2015 14:16

I completely agree BeStrong. I also grew up with an alcoholic parent. I think this has made me vulnerable to this kind of relationship, that and the fact that I have aspergers. The Christmas card made me feel guilty, but perhaps that was the idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleElla · 09/12/2015 14:17

To add, at the time that she told me she did claim that she wasn't using, but my instinct was that she was lying.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2015 14:21

"Last night she delivered a Christmas card, saying when can our boys get together, please contact me so we can arrange a time."
I would just text her something along the lines of 'First you talk to me about what happened. I will not sweep it under the carpet.' She doesn't get to manipulate you or your son.

KeepOnMoving1 · 09/12/2015 14:22

Yanbu and I agree, life is too short to go backwards to bad situations like these. She's a drug addict, no way should your son be there so it would mean her son only coming to yours? Wouldn't that bring up all the old habits of using you.
She sounds like trouble, steer clear.

RudeElf · 09/12/2015 14:22

Shes trying her luck with you again because she has used up the generosity of everyone else she knows. Dont fall for it.

WoodHeaven · 09/12/2015 14:26

She is making you unconfortable. Regardless of the history etc etc, that is enough to tell her NO. Trust your instincts.

I would either ignore or tell her that you are extremely busy at the moment.

And YY the christmas card is a way to make you feel guilty (ie you ought to give her one now, you can't ignore, it's for the dcs sakes not yours opr hers etc...)

EponasWildDaughter · 09/12/2015 15:13

The dust has settled now, and i'd leave it all well alone. Ignore the card and the message.

Say nothing to your son about it - he can play with her boy at school,no problem.

IF she ever gets more pushy about upping the relationship to play dates again etc. then you will need to say something. Hopefully she wont push it though.

whois · 09/12/2015 17:05

Don't engage with her at all, but maybe let your son know he can have the son over to play if he likes?

magoria · 09/12/2015 18:11

She and her husband then turned up on my doorstep shouting at me and my husband, ranting. I offered for them to come in so I could come clean about the situation and try and work something out. He shouted "I don't want to hear anything from you" so we shut the door rather than stand and be abused on our own doorstep.

Why would you even go there again?

It is your job to protect your child from being around people like this.

Bumshkawahwah · 09/12/2015 19:00

I have heroin addicts in my family and can say with some certainty that she will use you as much as she possibly can. H will always come first. Stay well clear. I feel awful for her son though. Poor boySad

Original poster
PurpleElla · 10/12/2015 11:14

Thanks everyone, you have confirmed that I'm doing the right thing. I have told my son he can send this boy a Christmas card, as he asked this morning. They can be friends in school. Outside of school I will be keeping my distance.

OP posts:
Houseworkavoider · 10/12/2015 11:23

I think you would be best to stay away. It's sad that her dc have lost friends because of her addiction but you can't really do anything about that.
I must say that I'm surprised that you told your Ds about her 'criminal dealings'. That was quite a nasty thing to do. Her dc will be having a hard enough time of it without their family problems being spread around their school.

littlemermaid80 · 10/12/2015 11:50

If someone "turned up and shouted abuse" on my doorstep, they would need to be pretty apologetic and willing to explain, before I'd even consider engaging with them again.

You haven't mentioned her apologising so I'm assuming she hasn't bothered.
She can't just act like nothing has happened.

I think it's all about the money, too. I've worked with heroin addicts as part of my job and they can and will lie, steal, manipulate, whatever, without feeling guilty to get the cash. Is she still using?

No way would I let my kid anywhere near their house.

YANBU

Original poster
PurpleElla · 10/12/2015 11:57

House - I agree it was a stupid mistake to tell my son what I did. It wasn't meant in a nasty way though. My son had been asking repeatedly what was happening with his friend, I was driving, distracted, and answered completely wrongly. I have ASD so often I make the mistake of telling the truth. I also told him it was a very private matter, and he could not speak about it with anyone but me. He didn't stick to that, which I guess I should have known but again I have ASD.
Have you said anything to your DC that you now realise was wrong?

OP posts:
hibbleddible · 10/12/2015 12:45

Are social services involved? They should be.

Houseworkavoider · 10/12/2015 13:23

Yes I have. I can see how it slipped out. I also have a child in my life with asd and they do demand truthful and logical answers to all kinds of stuff that can be ConfusedBlush so I can understand.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 14:08

YANBU. Stay well away, she needs money, not friends. Keep your ds safe and away from them. As for what to tell him "You cannot go there, it is for your own protection and in a couple of years' time you will be old enough to hear why".

Original poster
PurpleElla · 11/12/2015 12:28

Thanks House. We live and learn right.

Social services are not involved. I considered calling them but I'm concerned that they could potentially make things worse, she is coping (just about) with her childs basic needs at least.

TBH reni2 I think that even if that had been what I said and that had been repeated they would still have been on our doorstep shouting. At that point they had very little information about what was going on. Interestingly they assumed I was saying that the husband was a crook. He was keen to insist he wasn't even though he's "been offered illegal work many times" I felt he was protesting too much for an innocent man. So there's that as well.

OP posts:
amarmai · 11/12/2015 14:50

not sure how old your son is, but you had to warn him to keep him safe . You did nothing wrong op.

Kaytee1987 · 11/12/2015 18:23

Steer well clear.

OliviaBenson · 11/12/2015 19:45

I'm sorry but you need to call SS- it isn't your place to judge whether she is 'just about coping'. Heroin is serious and her poor child will be affected by it. I was the daughter of an addict and I'll be scarred forever by it. Please call them.

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