To feel rebellious for hosting Christmas every single year?

[Dotty342kids]

So, DH and I have been hosting Christmas at ours since, well, forever! Pre kids we had, I think, one Christmas on our own. Once kids came along we invited his parents to come so that they could enjoy watching the kids open gifts etc. They're not at all bothered about Christmas as it's not really part of their culture but of course, they like spending time with us and the grandchildren.
My parents were out of the equation as I was estranged from my dad for several years before his death 3yrs ago. Since he died my mum has been a much bigger part of our lives and so has also come to us for Christmas. Despite living about 5 mins walk away she comes on Christmas morning and stays all day and overnight, going back to hers on Boxing Day morning. We then go out for a long walk to the beach for the day and go to hers for Boxing Day tea.

I'm starting to really hate this set up! It's all so predictable! I know exactly what time my in laws will arrive. They're not very chatty but my mum hates silence so she just chats on and on. They leave, usually around 3.00 by which time it's too late to go out for a nice post lunch walk so we all end up playing games / watching telly and I try to stop my mum getting on DH's nerves too much

The kids are getting older now so watching them doing the whole opening presents "thing" isn't as special as it used to be but I have visions of every Christmas being like this for eternity and it makes me want to scream

I think in laws would be ok if we said to them we weren't going to host as they'd probably go to sil who lives near them. It's my mum who's the "problem" as we have no other family at all who she could go to. There is just me. No siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins - nothing. She still finds Christmas without my dad difficult anyway so I think she'd go nuts if we said we wanted to go away or do something different. I just want to do something that's just about me, DH and the kids and not have to think about anyone else.

AIBU? Is there anything I can do about any of this? I don't want to dread Christmas as in general, I love it! I just want to focus on me, my DH and kids and no other bugger

""It would be very cruel to leave your mum on her own on Christmas day.""

Unless you're unwell, no-one has to be alone at Christmas.

It's my Granddaughter first proper Christmas and so we are together to eat and exchange presents.

But I know this isn't what my DD wants every year, so I will make plans, even if it's just voluntary work.

It's extremely selfish to put your children under an obligation.

I agree that the OP should host her for dinner, this year, but the rest should be flexible.

True what you say, each Christmas is different, and it doesn't hurt to have a bit of creative thinking so you do enjoy each other's company rather than dread the same old if the in-laws keen to arrive early then maybe it's easier to make plans for your kids/husband family outing somewhere that is later in the day, even jsut a quik visit to friends/christmas walk somewhere special, and then rush home to put your feet up and enjoy, after a Chistmas brunch/breakfast with extended family

I was wondering if you shortened the time your mum is with you on Christmas day it might work better. Could DH walk her home late afternoon /early evening instead of her staying overnight? Then you could have some family alone time. You'll be seeing her again on Boxing Day for tea.

I agree it's a bit short notice this year to cancel, but you could start talking about a change of plans in the New Year.

Yes, I'd like it if she went back to hers at the end of Christmas Day but she seems to have it in her head that she's drinking and therefore needs to stay over (which is daft as she can easily walk home!). Actually I suspect that it's more about feeling sad about being on her own on Christmas Day . Even though she'll be spending most of the day with us!
Oh, the guilt and feelings of obligation that come with being an only child. This is why I have had two children - they can share me out when I'm old and annoying

Would it feel better if you, DH and DC walked her back home and settled her in with mince pies and chocolates, and the TV on? You could jolly her along and remind that you will all be round for tea the next day.

That's a nice idea girlywhirly. Possibly not this year as I know she's already fixed in her mind that she's staying over and think aiming for more of the morning to ourselves is how I'm going to try to do it this year. But next year, a definite possibility.
Actually, we've just replaced our spare room bed with a new sofa bed. If that doesn't prove very comfortable then that'll solve the problem for me

Yikes I think it's a bit mean to exclude your mum totally if she is fundamentally a nice person, but you could (for next year) defo limit the time. Ask he to come over at X time because you're going for a walk or whatever.

Oh, the thread has moved on :-) lots of nice ideas for next year.

Just thinking maybe if you you could work on expanding your Mum's social network between now and next Christmas, it won't be such a big deal when you mix it up at Christmas, depending on how you all decide to get together

Could you walk her home and have an hour one on one while DH and the DC tidy up? Sell it as your time before you go back to do something with the DC?

For example look at the local walking group Ramblers www.ramblers.org.uk/ my older cousin (60 years old) often goes for walks with her local walking group

Also most local authorities have a social care team dedicated to social groups for older people
Have a look at what's around locally for older people that she can trial, maybe one new group each month, until she lands one that she likes

apart from that it may be good for her to have grief counselling as that may be the real issue, and no social group will appeal until she addresses her grief at losing her life partner Also it is maybe scary for her as she enters the same age when her end of life is much nearer, and she may even be sad about times gone by

Aww, I could never leave my mum on her own. She'd make noises about it being fine but I'd feel so mean. It's just me, DS and DP who live locally and my sister and her husband don't always visit for Christmas. I know it might not be perfect for you but show a bit of Christmas spirit.

Yabu - the tyranny of Christmas is all about following tedious rituals, spending time with annoying relatives and spending copious amounts of hard earned cash on unappreciated crap. Don't fight it - you will never win

Ha ha ! Love it, Motherinferior

I tried to fight it at my office too, and afraid i've lost there
So next week,I so will be bringing in silly presents for all as even tho we agreed to spend on a charity (and those who wanted put in money for young Mums) people have still handed out gifts, and I'm sure more to come

Good point motherinferior
She has a great social network and is involved in lots of local groups but that doesn't equate to having someone else to spend Christmas day with!
I've chatted to dh and we've agreed that this year we'll go out for a nice long dog walk, just the four of us, in the morning and delay the arrival of the in laws and my mum till 11.00ish. That'll push lunch a bit later so hopefully the afternoon won't feel quite so endless!
And in the days following Christmas I'm going to attempt to plant some seeds around fancying doing something "different" in future years etc to see what my mum's reaction is