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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cancelling plans.

53 replies

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 08:29

My husband bought 4 tickets to a show several months ago with the intention of inviting another couple later.

My good friend got engaged pretty suddenly, and when we met the new fiancee he and my husband hit it off immediately, so a week or so later he invited both of them to come with us.

She then sent an email to my husband a week in advance of the show saying they were 'going to back out, but thanks for the invite'. No explanation, no follow up. We both thought it was rude so he didn't reply, and so there's been a deafening silence.

For context, she and I are good friends and she is also good friends with my husband. We've spent quite a lot of time together.

-Is it rude to cancel plans without explanation?
-Doesn't a phone call become necessary in the case of higher-order plans e.g. made several weeks in advance and tickets are involved?
-Shouldn't you be the one to initiate the next engagement if you're the canceller?

-Am I being precious?

OP posts:

DeepBlueLake · 09/12/2015 09:49

Yes it was rude to cancel but I don't see how an explanation is going to make it any better, she's still cancelled.

She'll probably come up with some run of the mill excuses anyway OP e.g. snowed under at work, family commitments, no babysitters etc.

M48294Y · 09/12/2015 09:51

I would guess that they were put on the spot when invited to this show (it would have been totally unexpected on their part?) and said yes ... but actually one or both them really doesn't fancy it. Just not their cup of tea, sort of thing. And as they hadn't actually sought out the tickets or initiated the meet-up, they don't necessarily feel the need to apologise.

celtictoast · 09/12/2015 09:58

There might be something going on with his family, she might be pregnant and on bed rest, there are a million and one reasons that they can't go and can't explain and they shouldn't have to explain if you are their friend.

This. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

stairbears · 09/12/2015 10:02

What sort of show is it?

Can see myself giving the same response for a Jim Davidson / Lee Evans / Jimmy Carr / Peter Kay gig.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 10:04

"I would guess that they were put on the spot when invited to this show (it would have been totally unexpected on their part?) and said yes ... but actually one or both them really doesn't fancy it."

Only on mumsnet would inviting friends to something nice be described as "putting them on the spot"!

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 10:08

I'll add it to my list of "things I didn't realise I shouldn't do"

Like offering people lifts and taking their washing in when it rains or sending text messages after 6.30 in the evening.

pictish · 09/12/2015 10:11

I agree with Penfold - I think the reason is neither here nor there. If it was the day before then yes, one could reasonably expect an explanation, but she has given you a week's notice which is plenty of warning and time to give the tickets to someone else. I don't actually think she is obliged to explain herself at this early stage, a simple heads up is fine.

M48294Y · 09/12/2015 10:11

I don't understand the need for sarcasm Bertrand?

I am just guessing at a reason, like everyone else on the thread. Some people absolutely would feel awkward about saying "no thank you, it's not my sort of thing" if asked directly. So they could end up saying yes, when actually they really don't want to go.

BillBrysonsBeard · 09/12/2015 10:15

I don't see an issue, they said thanks for the invite in the email so were polite about it.. Also you say money isn't an issue and you know other people who will go! So they were polite and you're not stuck with unused tickets.. What's the problem?

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 10:21

It's not sarcasm. I have genuinely been told I shouldn't do those things. And now you're suggesting inviting somebody to an event is another one!

If you find you've said yes to somthing you don't want to do, you send a message the next day saying that you looked at the diary and you can't make it. You don't wait til a week before.

pictish · 09/12/2015 10:24

I agree with the possible 'on the spot' element. I have a friend who has invited me to shit I'd avoid like the plage stuff I'm not into, and it's difficult to give her a no after she has enthused about whatever hell it is she's going to go to, and I've nodded and smiled along to be polite. When the matter of the spare ticket has popped up I feel really awkward.

"Yes I know I've just been saying how fab it sounds, but I meant it'll be fab for you. Personally I'd hate it."
It's a tricky one.

Not saying that that is what is going on here, just agreeing that people can and do feel put on the spot by invites sometimes. It's not an unusual scenario.

Original poster

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 10:28

OK, thanks everyone - I will consider the possibility that I'm being precious.

It's a comedy show.

OP posts:

stairbears · 09/12/2015 10:37

Comedy can be so much down to personal taste... I've offers open invitations for friends to join us for gigs - depending on who it is, this can be met with ambivalence or just silence! I don't take it personally.

M48294Y · 09/12/2015 10:37

I'm not suggesting anything of the sort! I'm just explaining a possible reason for this particular cancellation. Gosh this is hard work.

Original poster

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 10:44

Comedy can be so much down to personal taste.
Sure. The problem here though, is that my husband is irritated because he and this guy discovered they both like the performer, and so he invited him spontaneously. I think it's fair to feel rebuffed when a completely new acquaintance/friend cancels rather abruptly.

OP posts:

M48294Y · 09/12/2015 10:50

Ok then ... so you've worked your way round to an answer to your own question.

On reflection, you don't think you are being unreasonable. Job done!

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 10:51

"I think it's fair to feel rebuffed when a completely new acquaintance/friend cancels rather abruptly."

Yep- I agree. I don't understand why you didn't ring your friend, though.

pictish · 09/12/2015 10:54

I think it's natural to feel disappointed and worry that you've been snubbed.

With a week's notice though, you have to just suck it up with a "Thanks for letting me know, catch up soon.", annoying though that is.

Original poster

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 10:56

I'll accept that. The email wasn't to me, though.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/12/2015 11:18

Your dh should reply.
His feelings are natural but without knowing why they've bailed it is polite to respond, even neutrally.

Not responding was huffy puffy and pointed, and if it turns out to be down to something quite unrelated, he's going to feel a bit daft.

celtictoast · 09/12/2015 11:19

I think if you accept tickets to something that you realise you might not enjoy quite as much after all, then you do the polite thing and go along anyway.

But in this case we don't know if that's the reason.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 11:50

They should have given some sort of reason.

Your dp should have replied to the email. Not replying is significantly ruder than cancelling.

You should have rung your friend.

LagunaBubbles · 09/12/2015 12:35

I dont get why you didnt just phone your friend and ask though, if shes a close friend wouldnt that be the normal thing to do?

itsmine · 09/12/2015 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

celtictoast · 09/12/2015 15:10

Presumably if you can't find someone else to go with you OP you'll be out of pocket? That's different to someone cancelling when they'd paid for it.

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