MIL

[sotired2]

My DD (9) was recently in her dance show MIL point blankly refused to come stating too far to drive - I offered her our spare room was told she's too old to stay over at peoples houses! I pointed out there are hotels within 5 min walk of venue (they are not poor and go to hotels at least once a month) again no she is too old to sit through a dance show - my own mum managed it who is the same age.

I have now found out they are driving to the South coast (from north) to see my niece in her show.

My DD is hurt by this and as far as I can see her excuse for not coming (the drive) is obviously an excuse.

She uses her age all the time as an excuse not to do things - she is only early 70s and in good health.

DH will never say anything to her to upset her and just goes along with her excuses but this time DD is hurt. but not sure what I can do/say!

'I honestly think it is damaging to the child to be diddled into thinking someone cares about them'

This ^

Don't make excuses for her and keep telling your DC the truth.

Are you me?

At least she didn't tell the 5 year old Santa didn't exist. (been there, done that, was told dc wouldn't know what she was talking about..........that was bollocks) She did however by dn entire stocking last year then gave both kids the same xmas present that was something dn wanted not my dc. Hey ho.

Turned up for dn christmas show but not my dc. Stating pretty much the same reasons, except she is younger!!!

How old are these children? I would not being doing an overnight stay in a hotel just to go and see a school play.

Saying that though, she should not be playing favourites. My MIL also does this, years back we met up with MIL and her other gc in a café, we got there shortly after them and other gc were playing with new toys that she had just bought them but had nothing for my dd. We then had a wander around town where she then bought both other gc new shoes, and nothing for my dd.

My dc barely now mention their other gps.

You need to leave your DH to sort out his mother. All you can do is acknowledge DD's hurt and admit you don't know why her grandmother didn't want to come to her show. I hope it was a great show and your DD really enjoyed taking part

Yanbu about the favoritism. Its crap and horrible and so unkind for the children when they begin to notice. I have the same but from my own mother. Same sort of excuses. I'd understand if she was genuinely tired /ill/old etc which would be fair enough but will go and see all my nephews shows at the drop of a hat (same distance drive). My parents also have my nephews to stay all school holidays so my sister doesn't have to pay for holiday club but have to be begged to babysit mine for a couple of hours. I don't ask any more. If I ask if we can visit we get rid to wait and see if it's a weekend their favoured grandchildren want to visit first. My eldest has noticed and feels very hurt.
If there's one good thing to come out of this, it's that I am adamant never to show favouritism to my own children (or grandchildren if I have any. )

I hate this, really awful for the child/children whom it effects.
My dh has a relative who is the same, quite gladly go 4 hours to see his sisters children a few times a year but we are lucky if she will go the 5 mins drive to see our children.
Yes they get upset and that makes me upset.
But tbh we can not change it for some reason she is just like that.
my children deserve better anyway.

That's a horrible situation for you all.

Unfortunately, we have similar with my ILs. Ours are not the favoured set of grandchildren - their DD's children are. I've tried talking to them about how they behave towards our kids. They won't listen. It turns into an argument, they flounce, and we're expected to apologise. DH finally saw that it's not only our kids aren't the favoured ones, but neither is he.

What's sad is how it's all come about. DH was a good kid, who is now a good man. His family live on emotional blackmail, and that's how all their relationships are. DH isn't like that. He won't manipulate people, but he also won't allow people manipulate him like that (anymore - I may be blamed for him standing up for himself more).

Truth is, you can't make grown adults behave. If somebody is the kind of person who can not treat children, who are their own flesh and blood, equally, then there's not really much hope. If they are that nasty as to behave that way in the first place, there's very little somebody else is going to be able to say or do to change their mind.

We are honest with our kids about how DHs parents behave towards them. We don't make up stories, or try to cover for them. When they are hurt by their actions, we acknowledge that, and tell them it's okay to feel the way they do, and that they deserve to be treated better. The way I see it, our kids need to see that they don't deserve this sort of treatment, and that you don't have to put up with it just because somebody is family.

My grandparents were like this. Don't waste your time OP, you can't make uncaring grandparents care, they won't. I wouldn't bother with them and let them see how much the other grandparents are your children's absolute favourites. Give the other grandparents all the best gifts at birthdays and Christmas. Tell this poor excuse for a grandmother you are too busy to see her as your children want to spend time with their other grandparents.

at the posters who say they wouldn't sit though a show/stay overnight. Soo not the point.

The OP's PILs are happy to do this for the niece, so boredom and inconvenience don't come into it. They just can't be arsed for the OP's child.

OP, YANBU.

When they next complain about the closeness of the relationship between your DC and your parents, I would say that it is because they are old enough to notice that your parents love and care for them, and want to be part of their lives. And say that your DD was very hurt that they didn't go to her more local dance show, but went to their other DGD's without a thought.

They need to understand that this is purely a consequence of their behaviour.

How old are the children?

And how can your DH's life be made a living heal if they don't live that close to you?

And why invite if you know she won't come? It's not the end of the world if the grandparents don't go? (I hate dance shows!)

How old is your niece? There is a massive difference between a dance show with young kids and older ones.

Your mother in law is a bitch. Ignore her. I hope your daughter enjoyed her show. Regardless of the piss poor attitude of some previous posters, it's not about the quality of the show, but of the how of watching and supporting your family.

Joy of watching*