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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hurt that my aunt won't come to my wedding - i'm probably UR

38 replies

IMBWater · 07/12/2015 22:18

Last year (2014) my cousin died aged 24 from a heart attack. She was very disabled and required 24hour care, but I she was my best friend. I spoke to her weekly via Skype and wed share photos/videos on Facebook, I visited as often as I could (she lived 200 miles from me) and was constantly asking my granddad how she was doing after he'd spoken to her. I was incredibly upset when she died.

I feel incredibly admiration for my aunt, my cousin was the second child she lost as I found out a few years ago she lost a baby boy at 6months old in the 80s (2-3 years before I was born). She also has a severely autistic son and has managed to hold herself together for him. She cries when she talks about her children, understandably and I have tried to listen. I've visited a few times, but always felt unneeded/unwanted as she preferred talking to my granddad - she ignores my mum to apparently when she visits.

Dp and I are finally getting married in April next year. I'm obviously excited. But im also sad that my cousin won't be there to be my bridesmaid and help me prepare. She had a creative talent and she was going to use the talent to make some amazing items (being deliberately vague) for my wedding.

My aunt has told me she won't be attending the wedding. No reason given. I'm a little hurt that she won't come. I'm her only niece/nephew as I'm an only child and my mum is her only sibling, so this is the only chance shell get to see a wedding in the family as her son is unlikely to ever meet anyone - although he's invited he's also unlikely to attend due to his autism (he could be left with his dad as his parents are split if my aunt wanted to attend). I'm upset. My aunts never met my daughter and was hoping she'd be able to meet her at the wedding.

I know I'm being UR though as seeing me get married will likely remind her of the children she's lost and the opportunities they never had .

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 08/12/2015 00:22

I have to say I agree with the sentiment outlined by Morgan, although maybe not as bluntly. This woman has given birth to three children and will see none of them marry. Your wedding is not likely to be 'bittersweet' but just a big, upsetting reminder of the fact that none of her three babies have made it to independent adulthood. You see it as a happy event, a new start, whereas as she portably looks at it like a full stop. She doesn't want to go and I think you have to accept that rather than cajole her into attending.

I would write to her and day that you're sad she's not attending and that she can contact you if she changes her mind (which she probably won't- say nothing about saving spots or paying for meals). End the note on another point, because you don't want this contact to be 100% about you. You need to infer you understand why she's made this choice and that it's ok.

Morganly · 08/12/2015 00:25

Second paragraph of your opening post.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 08/12/2015 00:25

Your mum has what she never had. You are what she never had.

She simply cant face being in contact with you now.

Leave her be. Email of course, let her know that you are thinking of her, but apart from that, leave her be.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 08/12/2015 00:27

And you need to accept that she may never want contact.

It does read like she put up with you because of your friendship with your cousin, but your very presence brought home just how sick your cousin was.

Sometimes things really are too hard to deal with and we have to cut them off to avoid further hurt to ourselves and I suspect that your aunt is doing that with you and your mum.

Original poster

IMBWater · 08/12/2015 00:29

I'm not going to write to her I don't think that would help the situation. I will reply to the text saying "thanks for letting me know" and then not mention the wedding again, even at my next visit.

If she wishes to attend then she knows how to contact me, or if she feels she can't talk to me, she's welcome to tell my granddad/mum/any of our mutual friends and her place will be there for her.

I don't want to upset her, or make her feel guilty for not attending, as I said I completely understand. I'll be asking my guests to keep photos off facebook for this reason. Thankfully the venue are understanding and are happy to make changes to the table plans/amount of food right up until 48hours before the wedding, so she has plenty of time to change her mind.

OP posts:

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 08/12/2015 00:30

She is not going to change her mind.

Original poster

IMBWater · 08/12/2015 00:32

Gladysand I know that she may never want contact, which is ashame. Visits have dropped to being less frequently since my daughter was born and she doesn't seem bothered about meeting her - although my granddad says she asks how she's doing etc. so I think she still cares about us all.

OP posts:

ClancyMoped · 08/12/2015 00:38

I'd reply with something like

Thanks for letting me know. . Hope things are ok with you. How is cousin? [ then a bit of family chit chat ] Love IMB

Perhaps you could plan a visit to see her with your daughter and your Mum. Then she could get to meet your daughter and see her sister in a more relaxed and casual way. Might that be a nicer way to introduce your daughter to her.

Original poster

IMBWater · 08/12/2015 00:44

clancymoped I'm stealing your text, will send it in the morning. Will tell her about Dps mum (who Aunt went to school with) getting a new dog, and his sister passing her driving test finally (not quite her family, but might be distant enough to not make it seem all about me)

I'm going to leave visiting for awhile, my daughters almost 6 months old so I think her being this age might be too close to the age of her son she lost.

OP posts:

ClancyMoped · 08/12/2015 00:47

Sorry, I Xposted. Scrap the idea of suggesting visiting her!

I'd stop contacting her quite so much. If she is not responding to your calls and messages I think you should step back a little. Don't take offense though - this is definitely about her and not you. You need to respect her wishes.

Were you actually suprised she declined your invitation because going from what you have written you can't have been that shocked that she leant want to come.

ClancyMoped · 08/12/2015 00:52

Sorry I Xposted again....I'm a slow typer

I think that's a good plan. Send a pleasant text and leave it at that.

Hopefully as time passes she may won't to be a little more involved. It's still early days.....and, if she doesn't, then that's ok too. It would understandable I suppose.

Good luck with the rest of your wedding plans.

ClancyMoped · 08/12/2015 00:53

Want NOT won't

I'm a slow typer and a bad typer

Original poster

IMBWater · 08/12/2015 09:27

Sent the text, will update if she replies. Otherwise stepping back from this thread as I think people have misunderstood my intention. I don't want to upset or hurt my aunt and completely understand if she doesn't attend my wedding, but I'm hurt she won't come.

OP posts:

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