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AIBU?

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Original poster

So fucking tired of this fucking shit

33 replies

Cake0rdeath · 07/12/2015 21:59

Everything is imploding. I'm sitting typing in tears but trying to hold it together.

Having a really tough time at work. Boss is not being actively supportive of a nasty situation (saying the right things but doing fuck all). I'm a solid employee and I don't ask for much-I just need help to resolve a situation and it's dragging on indefinitely as other things keep "cropping" up.
Not coping with the workload. I dropped to 4 days specifically to keep a work/home balance but it's 9.50 and I've been working since I got in at 6 (with a short interlude to put DS to bed). Work have essentially shovelled 5 days of work into 4, given me additional responsibilities (packaged as a promotion without the pay increase) and are likely rubbing their hands in glee at the fact that I stupidly agreed to this.
home is shit. DS is entering the terrible twos and DH's support has been laughable. We go round in circles-me cooking, cleaning etc and then having a go at him to pull his weight. He does for a week or two and then it's back to the same old shit. he knows how much I've got on yet the cooking, cleAning, responsibilities for DS all fall to me.
I'm also doing my master pt and while the actual writing is fine, finding the time is so difficult.

In essence this is a huge moan. I'm so unbelievably sick of life right now. I just want everything to stop and just leave me alone.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to have to deal with DHs moods and selfish laziness.
I just want to check out for a few days but I can't because that's not what grown ups do.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/12/2015 22:08

Oh Cake poor you.

I sympathise. I think I felt at the end of my tether with my DH when I had a 2 year old and was working 4 days and he just never pulled his weight as much as I felt I did, and all the brainwork of remembering all the kid-stuff fell t me. And you couldn't just check out of it because neglect!

So, sympathies. My DH is much better now - we had the conversations A LOT, and it was wearing, but he does now recognise himself when he's being a lazy ass - and my work has changed and although I still have to work unusual hours it is not so overwhelming. Flowers

In the short-term, you totally CAN not go to work tomorrow and have a day in bed, if you need one. You sound like you need one. Tell work and OH that you are ill and recuperating. Send DC to childcare. Take stock, drink tea.

Notimefortossers · 07/12/2015 22:10

You can check out if you really do need to. Have the doctor sign you off with stress for a week. Should show your employers how serious the situation is and that they're going to have to act on it.

Take DS and go stay with family for a few days and see how DH likes being on his own.

Flowers
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/12/2015 22:14

Yes I second Notime. Visit your GP and tell him what is going on. You need time off before you go under. There's only so much a person can take. You're human not a robot. Incidentally now I don't want to patronise you but are you aware that giving you unrealistic word loads that you are struggling to cope with is a type of work place bullying

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 22:25

You poor thing. Everything is building up on top of you. Go to the doctor...and do you belong to a union that could perhaps advise you regarding work?

Viviennemary · 07/12/2015 22:28

I agree with getting signed off with stress to give you time to think. It's not unknown for workplaces to pile five days work into four or less when people reduce their hours. Could you not take a break from your studying although I know it will be important to you. And of course your DH should be doing more. Say on nights x y and z you will be responsible for cooking tea. And once a week you will do this job and that job. Wash kitchen floor, hoover throughout. You can't be expected to do everything.

fromheretomaternity · 07/12/2015 22:28

Take a couple of days leave, don't cancel the childcare, take yourself off to a cafe / meet a friend / go for a long walk... you need to put things on pause to give yourself space to think.

Then take the time to write out a plan for what you CAN do in 4 days and put a proposal to your boss about it.

You can survive...

ashmaster · 07/12/2015 22:38

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TheTigerIsOut · 07/12/2015 22:39

The best advice I was given on how to deal with too much work/too little time came from my previous boss, who asked me not to work extra time, from home or over time. She just said that I needed not to over commit myself and if someone came with yet another urgent request, the phrase to say was:

"I'm happy to help with this task but I am afraid there are other tasks in the queue and I won't be able to work on it until X day." If they insisted I needed to ask what I should take off my list to clear some time to work in the new task.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/12/2015 22:43

That was either a sick joke or plain nastiness, Ash.
Either way not helpful. Stress is no joke.
I can't believe how insensitive a person can be. Stress is real. It must have taken op a lot of courage to ask for advice.
Remember Karma sees everything. You've just mocked someone clearly suffering. She may pay you a visit in the form of stress.

sinber · 07/12/2015 22:44

ashmaster are you the DH? or just any old arsehole that's got nothing better to do?

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 22:47

ashmaster is a lazy troll who jumps onto threads, makes a single lazy comment and then goes on to another. They're doing it on several others even as we speak. Not against the rules, strictly speaking, but honestly not worth bothering about. Just ignore.

ashmaster · 07/12/2015 22:47

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ashmaster · 07/12/2015 22:48

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/12/2015 22:48

Yes it is. Also reported!!!!

ashmaster · 07/12/2015 22:50

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ashmaster · 07/12/2015 22:52

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RealityCheque · 07/12/2015 22:53

You're up late on a school night, arsemaster. Jog on!

TheoriginalLEM · 07/12/2015 22:53

Shouldn't you be in bed ash -you'll be late for school.

Op -ignore the twat!

as others have said. take a couple of days off. during that time think about practical things to make things easier.

could you afford a cleaner for instance

RealityCheque · 07/12/2015 22:54

Lol. X post, LEM

Domino777 · 07/12/2015 23:00

Gp tomorrow. Get signed off. Then reflect the problem back at the boss. Or go to him with solutions to the problem. Step down from extra unpaid promotion. Learn to say no.

Lastly list all the jobs and then between you choose which ones to take responsibility for. Don't step in and complete the chores if he fails to do his chores. Let him reap the results of his behaviour - no shirts if he's failed to wash clothes, no meal if he fails to shop

HicDraconis · 07/12/2015 23:05

That was fast - deleted before I'd finished reporting them 😄

You sound overwhelmed, Cake - completely agree with you needing to take time off from both work, study and household.

Can you put your masters on hold? That takes care of that. Work wise - you need to have a meeting with your supervisor or line manager, or whoever you have a yearly appraisal with (head of dept?) to explain that dropping to a 4 day week means a 20% drop in your workload, so they need to identify with you which fifth of whatever you do can be passed on and who should take it on. You may have to help with the transition but once done that takes care of work.

Home - if your DH is a lazy arse it's probably longstanding and deep rooted (and his mother's fault). Can you make a list of everything that needs doing and split it into your jobs and his jobs? Make him suffer consequences of his jobs not being done (ie if it's his responsibility to do laundry and he doesn't, he has no clean clothes and it's not your problem). You shouldn't be carrying him as well as children as well as working overtime, nobody could manage that and not drown.

missymayhemsmum · 07/12/2015 23:14

Don't get yourself signed off if you can avoid it, as it will affect your career.

Stop moaning at your husband and just explain to him that temporarily, while you are under pressure at work and finishing your masters you don't have time for housework, and that you would like him to do all of it for a while. Then stop doing it, try to ignore it, and trust him to get on with it (while appreciating him loads for his support).

List all the work tasks you have to do. You need to shed 20% of the things you used to do, plus more to make time for the new things you have been asked to. Give your boss a list of the things you propose to shed and a list of what you plan to prioritise as a basis for a meeting. Explain that you asked for 4/5 full time to spend time with your child and finish your masters and they agreed to that, so if they want the tasks done someone else has to do them.

Decide what you are going to prioritise and what you are not going to do, communicate it politely and firmly, and then stick to it, as those tasks are no longer your problem.

But yes, it sucks, you have taken too much on, and 2 year olds are hard work and wonderful and it is a brief phase.

You may need to take time out (a weekend at your parents?) so you can have those conversations without bursting into tears or getting angry.
Someone once said to me we all have exactly the same amount of time. If you haven't enough you may have given too much away.
Oh yes, and prioritise sleep, without which you are massively unproductive.

Christina22xx · 07/12/2015 23:31

sounds like you need some time off, any chance of asking your boss for maybe thurs, friday off then you can have a 4 day break.
That may help a little, work is really the only place you can get away with, have a serious talk with your dh as well he needs to help out too.

@missy why will getting signed off affect someones career?

goddessofsmallthings · 07/12/2015 23:42

Don't get yourself signed off with stress as it may have a negative effect on your work record at some future date.

Do self-certify yourself sick with a physical ailment such as D&V (there's a lot of it around) for the remainder of this working week which, in your case, will be 3 days.

Use the time to complete whatever it was outstanding tonight and to plan how best to tackle the lack of resolution to the 'nasty situation' that is contributing to your present discontent (is it an issue you can take to HR?) and give thought to ways in which your work/study time can be maximised.

'Promotion' without an accompanying pay rise commeasurate with whatever additional responsibilities have been designated as part of the role is not worth having unless signed and sealed promises have been made with regard to additonal renumeration after a trial period. If the company expects you to fit 5 days work into 4 it's time to reappraise your position with your boss.

A serious talk with your dh would also appear to be in order as he's well out of order in failing to pull his weight on a consistent basis. If you can't rely on him to do his fair share of the chores, give consideration to hiring a cleaner. 2 hours of cleaning once a week by someone who is solely dedicated to the task will take a load off your back(s) and 4 hours should provide you with time to put your feet up crack on with your studies.

Grown ups don't check out when the going gets tough, but adults recognise that they can't always do it all and take care to ensure that they're not overburdened for prolonged periods.

Morganly · 07/12/2015 23:43

You have too much on your plate.

Can you duck out of the masters for now? You can pick it up again later when things are more stable.

Look for another job. Your employers are exploitative twats. While you are looking, stop doing overtime. There is a huge amount of pleasure to be gained from just saying no!

Husband needs to step up big time. Food is essential, laundry for you and son. Stop doing everything else. No cleaning, no laundry for him. Stop pretending to hold it together: cry in front of him every evening until he registers you are at the end of your tether.