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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re present buying and OH

21 replies

Cutecat78 · 07/12/2015 20:38

We have kids - none together but spend the same amount on each child - we have 3 each so just get gifts for the kids from both of us but don't bother swapping money.

His family don't do presents. Mine do, and we spend Christmas with them at my parents.

I buy all the presents for my family and OH contributes nothing towards it - yet receives gifts from my family.

He says I can tell them not to buy him anything (which my family would probably be a bit hurt by tbh and would be a bit weird as all spending it together and I would feel really awkward saying to them).

AIBU to think he should contribute not to my nephews but towards the gifts for my parents and my sister and BIL? We are prob talking about £25 per person so £100-150 in total.

As ATM he is being thanked for something he has contributed no time, effort or finances towards.

OP posts:

lastqueenofscotland · 07/12/2015 20:43

I think YABU he is an adult if he doesn't want to contribute or recieve anything just say! We did it with most of our family this year.

150 odd quid is a lot too.

Eebahgum · 07/12/2015 20:46

How long have you been together? Ie how many Christmases have you had this situation? To be honest, although it may feel unfair I think the easiest solution is to let anyone who wants to buy a present, but a present. Without hidden agenda. He doesn't want to buy presents. Fine. He doesn't want them to buy presents for him. Fine. They would like to buy for him anyway. Fine. You can't expect him to make a financial contribution to presents you want to buy.

Candleabras · 07/12/2015 20:46

I get you, but our money is pooled, even though we do have separate bank accounts, we just swap it about. So can't really help. Do all couples keep their own money? sounds complicated to me

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 07/12/2015 20:48

It's presumably really about you - you don't want to explain to your family that your DP neither wants gifts nor wants to contribute. It's not about him, he doesn't want either the credit or the gifts. You need to decide which is more important to you and to explain to your family, it's really not that difficult to be at a partners for christmas and get no gifts.

pictish · 07/12/2015 20:48

Hmm...I think yanbu overall. I'm another who cba with the exchanging of gifts, so I can see it from his pov...but fact is, I do get gifts from my in laws so I put in the effort (and money) to return the favour. Of course I do.

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 07/12/2015 20:49

We have very complicated finances..

My family don't know that he doesn't contribute and I feel if that's the way he feels he should tell them not put me in the awkward position.

I think it's their way of welcoming him - and it's not a lot of money to him as he earns a lot more than me.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 07/12/2015 20:55

Thing is you'd be buying the gifts either way. Where's the harm in popping his name on the card too?
DH and I each buy presents for our own families but put that they're from both of us.

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 07/12/2015 20:58

I guess because it pisses me off that he happily receives but doesn't contribute.

OP posts:

mintoil · 07/12/2015 21:06

Explain a bit more about these very complicated finances OP...........

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 07/12/2015 21:07

mintoil erm no it's not relevant I have explained how we divide finances when it comes to gifts.

OP posts:

lastqueenofscotland · 07/12/2015 21:09

But he's happily said he doesn't want anything?!
What is so awful about dropping a text saying "mrcutecat doesn't want anything this year" the end?!

You are making a mountain out of a molehill

mintoil · 07/12/2015 21:12

Just realised who you are OP - big sigh - good luck!

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 07/12/2015 21:13

I guess it's the money as in I struggle a bit to do Xmas and also it's the symbolic thing of giving and receiving gifts and one person present as it were not partaking doesn't enter into the spirit of it and he's telling me to tell them - tell them your bloody self that you are a miserable git who doesn't want to take part.

My family have never ever done flashy.

OP posts:

Domino777 · 07/12/2015 21:14

I can't see the problem with things as they all ready are.

Domino777 · 07/12/2015 21:15

Spend less on your family? £15 per head

Morganly · 07/12/2015 21:16

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, to be honest. I buy for my family, he buys for his. There are a lot more of mine so I end up paying more but they are my family, I've always done it and I don't expect him to start paying for what I choose to do. I put both our names on the tags but my family all know that I've chosen, paid for and wrapped the presents. Perhaps that's the issue for you? Your family aren't acknowledging that you are the real donor?

Them buying him presents is nice and normal. If you are spending Christmas at your family's house/houses, it might be nice if he handed over a couple of bottles of wine or something.

Is this about something deeper? Do you feel that the way you divide up household expenses is unfair generally? Are you struggling financially but he isn't? Or is this really just about the Christmas presents?

FestiveFeline · 07/12/2015 21:19

How about telling your family that this year MrCuteCat is cutting back and won't be buying presents for either his or your family; it will just be for the children. Then you can say that you understand they may want to buy him something anyway, but that he doesn't want them to be that they should and completely understands (and would prefer) if they didn't. That way you can spend what you normally do on gifts and just sign them from you, and he might or might not get gifts from them.

Flingingmelon · 07/12/2015 21:19

If they don't want to play, they don't want to play. They don't change. Let it go. Either pretend he's involved or let you family know he's not interested. Draw a line under it for your own sanity.

goes off to by own present 'from' DH

Flingingmelon · 07/12/2015 21:20

'Your' even!

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 07/12/2015 21:26

Well at least I am not alone

OP posts:

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 07/12/2015 21:32

I think Christmas is for children and presents should be for them.

If all the adults start buying for each other too it'd get very expensive very quickly.

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