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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To exclude XH from our DC's birthday parties?

51 replies

MohFoh · 07/12/2015 18:06

We've been separated for almost three years now. He was always fairly useless when it came to the DC and has stepped up considerably since we left. However, he still falls way short of the mark and quite frankly, I'm sick of picking up the slack and the vast majority of the responsibility towards the dc falls to me.

This is exactly the case when it comes to their birthday parties. I have to do all the arrangements and usually pay for the whole thing too (he always agrees to pay half but has only done this twice and not paid the full half on a third ocassion. He still owes me £100's for his half of parties and presents for the last few years). He always invites his family and their dc even though some of them are too old for a very young child's party. What irritates me the most though is that he will invite my exSIL (his brother's wife) whom I absolutely detest. She has been absolutely vile to me in the past and I resent the fact that I can't enjoy my DC's parties (that I organise and pay for usually) because having her there glaring and judging me puts me on edge. It's not necessary for her to be there as her husband comes as well and afaiks she sits there chatting and not actually looking after her very young children. Despite this, my XH absolutely refuses to allow my new partner and his son to come to the parties even though these two people are important and involved in our DC's lives. He doesn't have a valid reason for this, it's just because he hates my DP despite having never met him (XH refuses).

The last party was the final straw. XH did precisely zero to help out and sat at the back drinking with his family at 10.30am. I was so flustered trying to do everything like get the food out etc. even the entertainer and other parents offered to help me. It just feels like a slap in the face to have him enjoying this time with our DCs when he puts in no effort whatsoever. I personally think it's so he can show himself off as a great dad. He often invites his friends with children that my dc don't see or play with. It's all for their benefit I believe. He also still owes me money from this party too. In contrast, my DP stayed up with me making sandwiches the evening before and ran to Tesco at past midnight to pick up more icing for the cake. All this for a party he can't come to.

I would rather have DP there supporting me and helping at future parties so WIBU to just do my own thing and not tell XH about the arrangements so he can't come or invite his horrible family?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 07/12/2015 19:12

Next time XH asks what the plans are for a DC's party, tell him it is up to him to organise and pay for one with his friends and family, and that you will do the same. Chances are he won't bother. And, if he does, you/DC haven't really lost anything, as long as he arranges his party on a weekend when he has access.

throwingpebbles · 07/12/2015 19:23

Yanbu!!
He can sort his own separate party if he likes

gamerchick · 07/12/2015 19:30

I honestly think I would knock the parties on the head and just do a special day out with a few kids and your dude. You have to break this control thing he's got a hold of you.

Cabrinha · 07/12/2015 19:33

Do you really need another YANBU?

Good lord woman, tell him to fuck off!

Organise the type of party that you and the child wants. Don't volunteer information. If - if if if - you're prepared to have him or any of his family there, that's your decision. And if he says a word about your boyfriend being there, just laugh. Laugh lightly and say "do you seriously think you get to decide that? No, no you don't".

If that means him trying to have a go at you, just get it over with. Let him try and SHUT THE FUCKER DOWN!!!
Not your business, I'm not discussing it with you - on repeat.

Oh how wonderful to be divorced from him!!!

RaspberryOverload · 07/12/2015 19:33

Another vote for him doing his own party, and you doing yours.

He's an ex, what you do is nowt to do with him any more.

Penfold007 · 07/12/2015 19:34

OP stop enabling his controlling and crap behaviour. He is behaving in this way because he can and you let him. If you want to hold a party then do so and simply don't invite his family, just make sure it isn't on his access day. Likewise he is free to organise a party when he has his son. You also need to stop buying gifts for him, let him do it (or not) on his own.

ratspeaker · 07/12/2015 19:37

Tell him he is free to invite who he wants to any party he is going to organise, pay and prepare for.

From now on I wouldn't have whole class parties but a "few friends round for tea" this can include whoever you like and could also inculde cinema trip, bowling, whatever experience your kids want or like.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2015 20:15

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to exclude your ex and his entourage from any party that you are hosting. Any and every party. If he wishes to attend a birthday party for his children he is more than welcome to arrange it, pay for it, host it. If the children get two parties per birthday, that's fine.

"I honestly think I would knock the parties on the head and just do a special day out with a few kids and your dude. You have to break this control thing he's got a hold of you."
That's an excellent idea from gamerchick. You'd only have to do that one year, and tell him he could do a party if he wanted . Then the next year just quietly arrange a party and don't tell invite him.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2015 20:28

By the sound of it the DC aren't even all that keen on having him there. Which is sad, really, but if he's going to get drunk at the child's party (!) as well as inviting everyone he wants instead of everyone they want that's a likely consequence. They're used to doing separate things with each parent usually, aren't they? Just add birthday parties to the list. (Or birthday "events" as suggested upthread - sounds like a plan.)

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 07/12/2015 20:48

I've never been in your position (no ex to deal with) so I really can't understand allowing someone to dictate to me as your ex does to you as far as these parties go. But, please realize, that's my fault for lack of understanding it, not yours for allowing it.

So, what would happen if you just told him no and/or that your DP and his son were coming regardless of how he felt? He'd invite his family anyway? He'd pitch a hissy in the middle of the party? I mean, I think the best thing to do is just not invite your ex to any parties and if your children are sad, I daresay they'll get over it in the excitement of the party.

I did have an EA ex, though. And thank God we never had children so once we were finally divorced he was out of my life, for good and for forever. But during our separation and divorce, it took me a lot of self-awareness to stop catering to him. My first response to anything he said or did was to acquiesce because that's what kept the peace. The first few times I told him to fuck off with his demands he became nasty and verbally abusive. But I learnt to hang up the phone on him or get up and walk away (I wouldn't allow him in the house after he attempted to force himself on me after we separated). He learned quickly that I wouldn't put up with his shit. He was still an asshole, but not a loud, abusive, demanding one. Is it worth trying?

SushiAndTheBanshees · 07/12/2015 21:08

I never cease to be amazed by some of the things I read on MN. How do people like your ex get through life in one piece behaving like this?

He wants to celebrate his kids' birthdays with his family? Tell him to knock himself out and leave you out of it. Just as you will for your side.

Booyaka · 07/12/2015 21:13

Tell him you will have separate parties.

Tate15 · 07/12/2015 21:17

You have the patience of a saint! No way should his extended family come along.

I would have your party with your new partner and your family and friends and tell your no hoper ex husband that he is welcome to host his own get together.

DeltaZeta · 07/12/2015 21:17

YANBU.

If he wants to be at his DCs parties, he can organise he own, can't he?

My abusive ex has only come to one of our DCs parties once and he acted like a twat so it won't be happening again. I organise and pay for them and I'll invite who I (or rather, the DCs) like.

MetalMidget · 07/12/2015 21:42

Even if he was being a bit shit with helping to pay for the party, I'd say he should still be allowed to go to the party, along with his sister and her kids - they're your children's family (aunt, cousins, etc), after all*. But him saying that you can't invite your partner or kids? Bullshit!

From what you've said, it sounds like he's trying to control you. It's totally unreasonable for him to try and cut your partner out of important occasions. Tell him that your partner and kids are going to be at the party - not in a confrontational way, just in an off-handed casual way. If he doesn't like it, he can get fucked.

*I should point out that I've not actually given birth yet, so have therefore never hosted a child's party. I reserve the right to change my mind on this matter in several years when the true horror of the stress and cost hits me...

Tink06 · 07/12/2015 23:31

If the dc want him there then tell him he can come, no one else and that your partner is coming. Tell him you have a limit on numbers if you think it will be awkward. Good luck as can't be easy.

Inertia · 07/12/2015 23:37

Don't bother mentioning it. He can sort his own family party for DC.

MsPavlichenko · 07/12/2015 23:51

You should do the Freedom Programme. You are right, you are still involved in the same relationship dynamic. In the meantime don't invite him. I am sure from what you've posted your DC will be relieved.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2015 05:05

You really need to get yourself to the Freedom Program or similar. It's the hangover from emotional abuse. Letting him invite who he likes to a party you organised and paid for while you don't get to invite people you want? Sounds massively, enormously unreasonable.

Blu · 08/12/2015 05:50

HE tells the DC that your DP is not allowed?

Beyond the whole party issue I think this is a real problem. He is telling your kids, in effect , that he is the boss of you, that he controls you, and the kids are watching it happen. I think it is damaging, rather than awkward, for them to see their parties used like this ,

He is still emotionally abusing you .

This is not your fault, OP.

The Freedom Programme, as suggested by a PP is a good idea , as would be some counseling . 13 years living with a man like that is a lot to throw off all by yourself.

Sorry you have all this to deal with, OP.

PresidentUnderwood · 08/12/2015 06:53

I'm struck that you've been with your DP for 2 years, yet you don't allow him or his child to come to your DC's party.

That seems unkind of you and I hope is a consequence that you really haven't stopped been emotionally abused by your ExH.

The time has come to sort this issue out, the party is just a symptom.

Blu · 08/12/2015 07:39

Technically, the OP's DP stays away to avoid 'stirring up trouble', rather than not being allowed by the OP. But it is everyone walking on eggshells around ex: OP, OP's kids, OP's DP.

Rather than freeing yourself from him, OP, he has actually managed to draw more people into his circle of control . I bet he knows you can't stand being with his hostile and judgmental SIL and invites her deliberately : marking his territory.

It can't be easy OP, have a long talk with your DP about it.

RubbleBubble00 · 08/12/2015 07:46

I'd be going for a soft play for next party with strict list of who u paid for and invited. If ex wants to add he can pay for the extra

Rachel0Greep · 08/12/2015 11:47

As others have suggested, a change of plan for future parties, is required. Let him organise the party, which won't happen, by the sound of things. Then do whatever it is you and your DC want, whether that is an outing, as has been suggested upthread or whatever.

Knock this whole thing on the head, of him getting to sit boozing at a child's party, with family members that you don't even want there. If that is what he wants,let him organise it, and pay for it.

YANBU.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/12/2015 12:03

Don't invite him to your party, let him do his own in his own time. Don't let him freeload.

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