Aibu to stay in a hotel when visiting DB/SIL at Christmas (5000 miles away)...

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

So we have long since booked to fly to north America for Christmas where my DBro/SIL and DNs live. The problem I have is that my brother is keen on us staying in his house, and DH would far rather stay in a hotel. Tbh DH and my brother don't have much in common and DB is likely to get on DHs nerves. And I have PND/anxiety and am very precious about getting my (2/3yo)dd's to sleep, which is hard enough in their own beds, let alone sharing a room or jet lagged from an 8 hour time difference. Originally we were going to rent a house somewhere scenic nearby. But then my DB said he really wanted a full house for the full christmas experience. So I agreed we would stay there Xmas eve and Xmas day. I can completely see the benefit of this, both for my dds, who are excited about visiting DNs and also from my own perspective- staying up with my brother drinking and playing board games, which wouldn't be possible if we had to leave at toddler bedtime.

Part of the issue is that they live with his in laws, who live in a self contained flat in the basement. This is a new arrangement since the last time we visited (when we only had one dd) and we did stay with him but had said basement flat to ourselves. So part of our reluctance to stay there was on the basis that they already had a full house with the four adults and two kids that live there normally,without adding another four people!

Dh is not keen, to say the least, but can see the benefits for me and the girls, so as a compromise I have only said we would stay there either side of Xmas day, and have booked a couple of sidetrips to nearby attractions and will stay in a hotel then. DB is intending to come to these places but as day trips ( one of them is three hours drive each way, probably in snow so we will definitely stay over!)
The thing is the remaining days that we will be there I either need to book a hotel or say we are staying with my brother. DH says he is happy to stay there since it is only a few days at a time, but I can see him getting stressy when we are actually there. So I am tempted to book a refundable hotel for the other days in DBs town, with the view that it will be better to cancel the hotel and stay with them instead if it turns out ok, than to cancel staying with them and go to a hotel at the last minute if it doesn't. Certainly in terms of the offense caused.

So wwyd? If we stay at DBs house it will be a total of five nights. Please be gentle and bear in mind that I have officially diagnosed anxiety and have had CBT to try and get over my obsession with the girls sleep clearly to no avail . I do want my dds to get to spend time with their cousins, but at the same time the idea of having to keep a screaming jet lagged toddler quiet at 3am in a packed house, where my DH clearly isn't comfortable, does fill me with dread...

The answer is obvious! There's no point in agreeing to living arrangements which leave you totally stressed, particularly when you have travelled half way round the world. So compromise by staying with your brother for Christmas Eve and Christmas day and then stay in your own accommodation for the remainder of the holiday. Your dds will have plenty of time with their cousins and your DH will be able to relax and enjoy his holiday too. I really can't see why your brother wouldn't be happy with the compromise.

If I am interpreting this correctly you have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old?

I would book into a nearby hotel or rent a house/airbnb if that's an option. Far easier to have your own quiet space nearby so you can take the girls back for a few hours nap / or your DH can which will also give him some head space if he is getting irritated. You should discuss with him beforehand though that you'd like the flexibility to stay late to hang out with your brother so he isn't all huffy about it and can plan to download some films or something to do in a hotel room.

A lot depends on how big your brothers place is though. If there's plenty of space and hotel accommodation is more than a walk away I'd be inclined to stay with them for 2/3 days over Christmas and then do your own thing.

Book the hotel so you have a plan. There will be other years when all the kids are older and can cope better to have everyone pile in for a crowded family Christmas. Bad experiences now are more likely to colour it all for the future.

I think that staying with your brother for 2 nights and in a hotel for the rest of the time is a good compromise.

Thanks both. Yes, a literally just turning two year old and a 3.5 year old. His house isn't tiny but not big enough that dh we would feel comfortable long term. Not entirely sure as havent been there for years and not seen the new living arrangements though. The thing now is that I get the impression my DB thinks I am being precious and having said I would stay Xmas day just thinks I should stay there full stop. Suggesting a six hour round trip day trip with a toddler rather than a hotel, but that might be because they view it as a waste of money. And DH is trying to be amenable and saying that we can stay there but I just know he will be as cranky as hell about it once it is a reality! So I'm inclined to stick to my guns about the hotel except those two nights, and if we find it is genuinely better than I fear imagine then we can cancel it. That way I have been clear from the outset that we weren't staying there and just compromised re Xmas day.

Hotels/airbnb all a short drive away. Everything is very sprawling and he lives in a bit that is just suburbia. I have been looking for months but sadly none of his neighbours have gone on airbnb!

Camper van ? One of those huge USA things

For years, and partially due to cultural differences, I danced your merry dance, OP, every holiday, wedding, easter or christmas. My H had all sorts of issues: doesn't agree with sharing a room with his own DD, my family is loud, is that, is the other, too many people, too close to the sea, too far from the sea. And I have bent backwards trying to please everybody. And then one day I had enough. I started leaving him home while I went and had a nice time with my family. And when DD kicked up, I handed her over to one of my brothers/aunts etc.
Now everybody does as I say. It took years though.

Well aside from the sheer insanity of taking two toddlers to California in the first place, no YANBU to want to stay in your own place. Personally I would rent a 2-bed flat or similar so your DC can have a bedroom and you and your DH can have a separate one. Everyone in one hotel room sounds just as horrendous as everyone in your DB's house and tiptoeing around trying to keep quiet when you're jet-lagged.

I think staying at your DB's house sounds like a nightmare tbh. Rent a house or book a hotel / apartment and stay there for the trip. Going from your DB's house to hotel for the various side trips you've planned to back to a hotel and then back to DB's just sounds like too much upheaval. Make it simple - stay in one place for the majority, except when you need to book accommodation so that you can go on the side trips to whatever attractions.

Besides, if your DH doesn't want to stay with your DB, you need to respect his feelings. It's a long trip to make without feeling crap over living arrangements.

Where did the OP say California?

It depends what the real intention was I suppose. Is the OP going to the USA to visit family for Christmas or are they going for a weeks holiday with a couple of days in the middle to spend Christmas with her brother.

If it's to catch up with rarely seen family then to some extent her DH should take off his wounded airs and graces and crack on with it. Visiting family with someone who you know is having a shit time is exhausting.

The OP says herself though that she is a bit uptight about the kids bedtimes herself so there's a balance to be struck so that everyone is comfortable in their own skin.

Two nights in most people's homes is manageable even if you are sharing a room. Arrive Christmas Eve, leave on Boxing Day morning. Family duty done.

Pmsl at campervan, although did see some advertised on airbnb! Definitely not California, don't know where that came from, and may well be snowy.

Going to stick with just the two nights although we will probably see my brother and his family much more than that, just for shorter periods. I do think having some independence should keep DH sane. And we will get a suite or adjoining rooms. The idea of cramming into one hotel room also fill a me with panic, even though my DB is happy to do it with his family.