Visitors and new baby

[Greyhorses]

Wondering if I am bu after an argument with my mum this afternoon.

Bit of background but she can be very pushy at the best of times and hates my dad and his family (divorced years ago!) She has already said its her grandchild and she wants to see it first which I find very annoying.

Anyway were discussing what happens after I have the baby next year. I had mentioned in passing I don't want visitors other than very immediate family for the first few days and only by arrangement. By this I mean mum,dad,mil and fil. Nobody else.

I also stated I would also rather go to visit people such as my grandparents/other family than they come to me when I am ready.

My reasons for this are that I have a very tiny cottage (more than 3 people in the living room is a squeeze!!) and two very stranger wary massive dogs, both of which will be scared of lots of people in our house who they don't know. They are in no way aggressive but will bark and get excited when people come and I don't need 70kg of dog leaping around the house with a new baby. They are not used to visitors bar immediate family and friends.

Obviously the dogs won't be in the same room as the baby without me being there but both get very anxious with strangers in the house and I don't want them stressed around the new baby. I want it to be a positive experience (must add they are great with children but won't be alone with it regardless so please no comments about baby eating dogs!)
DP and I have already had advice from a behaviouralist re the dogs who suggested limited people so as not to cause too much upheaval and has given us some things to make the transition easier, all based on making things as normal as they possibly can be with a screaming baby environment. People coming and going won't help with the stress levels as I hate it when I haven't just given birth.

Also if I visit them I can leave when i want. They are the type of family that will be here hours and have an opinion on everything.
My mums side of the family is very interfering and I hate people in my home at the best of times never mind when I am potentially bleeding,in pain and who knows what else.
My mum is also angry that my dad may see the baby before her and her parents. I would have to make sure they came at different times which is an added stress. She is determined to visit at the hospital and will no doubt bring grandparents which will mean my dad can't visit as he won't want to cause an atmosphere

I have said no but she got very upset and refused to discuss it any more and said i am being unfair to her and her parents not letting them see the baby once it's born. She has said I am treating them like outsiders not immediate family.

I am under the impression if I tell them not to come they will come anyway. She has said as such but not directly to me. I can see them ringing the doorbell as soon as I get home

Am I being too precious here? I am aware may come across as putting the dogs over humans but they live here and humans don't. I am just trying to make everything smooth and easy for myself selfishly. I thought about pulling the dog trainer said no visitors card but I doubt they would listen to this.

How can I make it any more clear that I don't want visitors without causing a huge family fall out?

I would suggest :

1. Tell nobody apart from your H when you are in labour.
2. Allow visitors to the hospital according to visiting times- it's much easier to be strict about this at hospital than home.
3. Don't tell them when you get out of hospital until you are ready to see them .

OP you say they aren't the type of people to put their differences aside and sit nicely together....well if and when they turned up at the hospital to visit they wouldn't have a choice otherwise the staff would throw them out!

Don't rely on the hospital to keep guests to a minimum, they're busy places. I had 7 people around my bed chatting at one point. I was more concerned about establishing bf and where my next morphine was coming from than talking, I wanted them out of there. You need to lay down some ground rules before it gets to that stage.

If you don't want any particular visitors at the hospital they wont let them in, btw.

They should have good gate-keeping in place. It's something you can ask about on the 'tour' of the labor ward nearer the time, or with your midwife at one of your antinatal apts. in the next few weeks.

You have lots of options.

Thanks everyone again.

I think I just need to tell them straight and deal with the backlash.

Everyone will get to see it so why is it so important. I feel sorry for Dp who has a normal family who cause no trouble who is having to deal with this too.

Maybe nobody should visit at the hospital and then it's fair

You need to tell them straight but you don't need to deal with the backlash. There's nothing wrong with saying, "This is the decision I have made for my family and my new baby, and it is not up for discussion. If you try to discuss it, I will leave the conversation," and then doing just that.

I agree you should not tell them you have had the baby until you are back home and settled. Or have them at the hospital and then say no visitors at home for two weeks, no exceptions.

You will have to be firm and say if anyone turns up uninvited they will be left standing on the doorstep or DH will be shooing them away. The problem here is I imagine the dogs will be upset if someone is banging on the door

It's really important that you start as you mean to go on OP - it's not over the top to say if they don't behave they won't be welcome for ages.

If it makes you feel any better, my MIL was so overbearing she managed to bully her way into the delivery room when I was in labour

Mintoil that is awful but the kind of thing my mother would do. She actually said its my grandchild and I will be there at the birth until I assured her she would be thrown out.

The dogs are lovely but are big bouncy german shepherds and my family hate dogs. The dogs are loud and hate strangers at first as they are so protective of the family and home until they know people so I really cant think of anything worse than dogs going mad, barking, baby potentially crying and people sitting on top of eachother in my tiny tiny house and I can't escape from it at all as nowhere to go. It's not like I have space to go to another room as its an open plan house so would have to go to bed to get away and then they would say I am rude.

I would much rather visit them but realistically I'm not sure when this would be until I am up to travelling and they aren't happy about waiting.

Yadnbu with ds1 I thought I had to let my in laws traipse through my house as they wished after my mil visiting in the hospital and shouting at me whilst sat on my hospital bed (having kicked me onto the chair) about not using sudocrem..... The whole thing damaged my relationship with her beyond repair... she knows this and for that and other reasons has not been welcome to visit or have more than a single photo with ds2

The whole process is about you and DH and the baby and noone else.... and frankly if DH puts up a fight I would remind him who would have just given birth

It's an important time and anyone who makes it about them should basically go and do one because it's about their own selfish needs not what's best for mother and child

My family are borderline bat shit crazy but after birth they are incredibly respectful because even their crazy asses know how important it is

You may have to put the boundary in and it may not be fun but honestly stick to your guns because you will never forget if they ruin that precious period

I don't know how old you are, but when my DC were born you were kept in hospital for a week, you were only allowed two visitors at a time in the afternoon (two hours only) and only fathers in the evening(two hours only). All mothers had to have a two hour nap before afternoon visitors.

Replicate this at home...

She cannot be at the birth if she doesn't know it's happening. Don't tell her you're in labour. You need to feel safe and supported and having people you don't want barging in demanding to watch as if labour were a spectator sport (which, sadly, too many people think it is) is dangerous. It will stress you out and increase your chances of complications.

And I love that, they aren't happy about waiting? Better give the baby a deadline to appear so as not to irritate them, hm?