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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sad i dont see my parents at christmas, anyone else?

24 replies

sparklesandglitterxx · 06/12/2015 17:38

quite happy to be told aibu ...I am 36, married with 3 dc of my own so perhaps I should just get over it fgs. I am also aware that many people reading may not be seeing dps as they have lost them, so I really apologise if this upsets anyone

back story. my dparents have always gone to my aunt and uncle's place over 100 miles away and stay from xmas eve to new years day. as a child i would to go with them (but as I got to late teens / 20s I would drive down separately and come home earlier) ....then when I had first DC go for just a couple of days. then it just got too difficult the more dc i had, and now we don't even get invited anymore. my younger db and his dw go as well (who are child free atm)

I have to see it all over FB and just feel so left out. It really pisses DH off that they go and don't see us/the dc, and he feels that even if we were invited we shouldn't have to "follow them down there" anyway (his words)

last few years, on actual xmas day, we have visited PILS. but last year we just stayed at home for the first time ever (for me) and it was so weird. by 4pm I was stir crazy and pretty low tbh. and this year we will be at home too as not been asked anywhere.

my mum and dad do a flying visit xmas eve at some point to basically dump presents and run. But they make me feel like its kind of an inconvenience to them ie last year they didn't even take their coats off, just in too much of a hurry to get to my aunts place, my dc were sort of bemused tbh

just makes me sad. I miss my dps at christmas and also feel left out...I also cant imagine not wanting to spend xmas with my dc as long as they want me to, esp if I am fortunate enough to ever have gdc. I dunno. I guess I have this image in my mind of big family Christmases but its not the reality is it?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 06/12/2015 17:46

Have you actually told them this? Maybe next year's they could stay with you until Boxing Day and then go to the other family. When you say you don't get invited is it because you just haven't been for ages rather than they don't have space or whatever?

We had a similar sort of family Christmas, though IMO 24th -1st Jan is waay too long so I kind of get this. However,myou don't seem to have told your parents how you feel so YA possibly BU.

missmargot · 06/12/2015 17:50

Have you ever invited your parents for Christmas?

Original poster

sparklesandglitterxx · 06/12/2015 17:55

no I have told them, I mention it every year TBH ....but doesn't make a bit of difference

I remember the first year we didn't go, 2010, I cried my eyes out on xmas eve after they'd gone

so we tried to go the next couple of years but it didn't work...the journey was a nightmare with children in tow and also had to book a hotel, very expensive. we felt no one was even that arsed about us even being there tbh ...despite the efforts we had gone to come. we just ended up really stressed and tired from the journey and pissed off at the expense

I have wondered if the fact we now have children is some sort of issue, like our dc are a burden or something. as my db is clearly so welcome but I am not, my aunts (adult) dc are also child free, although they live away from home they come home for Christmas

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklesandglitterxx · 06/12/2015 17:57

and yes I have invited them but they would rather go where they go. its their tradition now ....I wouldn't expect them NOT to go just for us .....but would be nice if we felt wanted at the family gathering, even if we don't go. or at least if they made more of an effort to see us properly xmas eve or even before if they are busy. :(

OP posts:

calzone · 06/12/2015 17:59

Could you not have everyone next year?
Book it early enough so they can get hotels.

missmargot · 06/12/2015 17:59

I feel really sad for you OP, I know I'd feel the same in your position. Do your parents have any idea how upsetting it is for you?

MatildaTheCat · 06/12/2015 18:06

It does sound a very established routine so sadly, I doubt it will change. Whilst your DC are young and the only young ones (and not go of the hosts) it does seem that they are unlikely to adapt their festivities to suit. It is a shame your parents aren't more receptive to your invitations. I can only think that either one of your cousins will have DC and suddenly Christmas will become family friendly or your own DC will be old enough to fit in and you will be welcome again.

Not the same but can you holiday with your DP at another time such as Easter? I'm very that they don't even take their coats off on Christmas Eve. I'd be asking them for lunch and making it very clear I expected them to stay and make an effort for a few hours.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 18:08

Yanbu to be a bit miffed. Yabu to be this upset and so is your dh.

They do this every year always have, you choose not to go.

If he is that pissed off.....go.

I don't see my pil on Christmas Day, I don't take it a slight against me or my kids. They do what they do and we do what we do.

Maybe they are a bit upset you no longer join in their tradition.

Canyouforgiveher · 06/12/2015 18:18

She doesn't choose not to go - she isn't invited. She has already offered to have everyone - she was refused.

I would be upset in this situation too OP. But there really is nothing you can do about it. They are entitled to chose what way to spend the holiday but you are entitled to feel upset that they don't want to spend it with you.

If I were you, I would focus on spending it with in laws or by yourselves and create your own traditions at christmas that don't include your parents.

In a few years time, your cousins will start having children and christmas at aunt's will change - your parents will find themselves entertaining other people's grandchildren rather than their own. Should be interesting.

Original poster

sparklesandglitterxx · 06/12/2015 19:01

I'd be asking them for lunch and making it very clear I expected them to stay and make an effort for a few hours

matilda I want them to want to do that though...its that they are not bothered that hurts me

canyouforgiver - that's interesting re when my cousins start having DCs....i never thought about that....so will be interesting to see how the dynamic changes

I just try and make Christmas as good as possible for my own dcs, and creating special memories for them etc

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 19:12

I took it as they aren't invited because they stopped going.

Are you saying your aunt invites everyone and you are not invited, even if you wanted to go....you can't?

Oldraver · 06/12/2015 19:16

My parents would rather go to America every Christmas than spend it with their grandchildren..I'm not sure if it pisses me off or its just that I see it as a missed opportuntity...I wouldn't pass up the chance to spend Christmas with my DC's or GDC's (obviously if invited) but think that I may not get many chances to do that (DS1 IS 30 but no children, DS2 is 10).

I know there were reasons in the first few years as they worked part of Christmas Day and I didnt want to travel miles to them and wanted DC to have Christmas in their own house... but certainly for the past 18 years they have made the decision to NOT come to us or invite us to their house

EponasWildDaughter · 06/12/2015 19:20

How old are your DC OP?

I have to say that personally i was delighted to have the excuse to stay at home and do my/our own thing once i began to have my own family, so it's hard to imagine feeling the way you do.

Your parents have been going to their brother/sister for xmas, taking you, their DC with them each time until you were old enough to make the decision about where to go yourself. I cant see them changing anything now.

I wouldn't pine about my parents' company too badly if they aren't that bothered about seeing their DGs on xmas day. Start making your own fun family traditions in your own home now, for your DCs to remember

Squeegle · 06/12/2015 19:26

How often do you see them the rest of the year? Are they nearby?

Littlef00t · 06/12/2015 19:36

It sound like the don't live far or live on the way to your aunt and uncle. Would they consider staying overnight on the day before Xmas eve?

I agree that if they don't want to, it's their loss and there's no point trying to force them into doing something they don't want to.

It's a real shame.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 06/12/2015 19:46

for you, OP. You want them to want to see you and your children but you can't make this happen.

Can you focus on your own little family? You me tioned being stir-crazy. How about a Christmas tradition where you go for a walk, or even to church for a Christmas Day carol service? If you feel that you lack company, have you any friends you could invite for the day? Or for a totally off-the -wall idea, if you are near a university, many overseas students can't afford to go home at Christmas and would love to join a traditional family Christmas.

BeachysFlipFlops · 06/12/2015 19:48

Could you rent a holiday cottage near where they go for four days between Christmas and NY?

Or if you stay at home, in terms of making the days as a family better, why not shake it up and do it differently so take croissants and a flask of hot chocolate and walk over lunchtime and then have a meal at 3pm?

Sgtmajormummy · 06/12/2015 20:08

I agree with the holiday cottage idea. www.cottages.com have a whole range of prices and I've had some good Winter breaks with them.

It sounds like this is upsetting you so much it world be worth creating a budget for next year and having the all-out family Christmas you've been missing.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2015 20:37

Why don't you see/invite PiLs instead?

Canyouforgiveher · 07/12/2015 00:07

Why don't you see/invite PiLs instead?

That is what I would do -switch your Christmas allegiance to your in laws or yourselves and then leave your parents off.

but if, in a few years time, they want to spend xmas with you because now Christmas at aunt's is all about her new grandchildren (because that will happen) then I wouldn't be all over trying to include them.

scarlets · 07/12/2015 15:37

I can imagine how hurt you are.

Some people might find a day or two with three small children rather wearing, preferring a more chilled and grownup festive period, particularly those who work full-time or those who have health problems. Could your aunt and/or her husband be that way inclined?

I agree with others about enjoying what you have, and creating your routines.

Re: Christmas Eve - perhaps with three children you're giving off a madcrazybusy vibe and your parents feel that they don't want to impose and create more work? I'd formalise it, and tell them that you're putting on a brunch and would love it if they stayed for a couple of hours.

Daisysbear · 07/12/2015 15:42

That does seem sad. I would have expected, as their children grew up and grandchildren arrived, that your parents would be prepared to change the old tradition.

When I was a child our house was the gathering place for relatives for Christmas dinner, but that gradually changed with marriages, children, people moving away etc.

Christmas traditions are lovely, but they have to be flexible to meet changing dynamics, even if it's sad to see some of them go.

YANBU

Original poster

sparklesandglitterxx · 07/12/2015 18:54

just wanted to quickly pop on and say thanks for the replies...have briefly skimmed at work ....will read through properly later x

OP posts:

Stellar67 · 07/12/2015 19:03

It's very hard. Been through it with the inlaws. We stuck to our guns, kept inviting them every year, and they do come to us now.

Meantime make your own memories. Enjoy what you have and at 4pm, pour youself a large one

I have done the holiday cottage, it worked that year as we'd lost a family member. We all needed the time out, and helped future years.

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