To think I'm never going to have any friends who are also parents?

[OhWhatAPalaver]

None of my good friends have children. Absolutely none. I have an almost 4 year old dd and when she was young we did the whole early days group thing and I tried to make 'mum friends' as I didn't want to be the only one with a baby. The others from the group all kept in touch but after about 6 months things stated to get a bit uncomfortable. I never felt like I fit in with their group as I had nothing in common with any of them but the straw that broke the camels back was when one of the women in the group was extremely racist and no one except me pulled her up on it, so I felt that I couldn't be part of the group any more.

I have tried to make other friends who have kids since but nothing has ever materialised. I am now expecting dc2 and I really don't want to be in the same situation again. It's been a lonely few years.

Just today I took my dd to a party (one of her nursery friends) and I thought I'd try and get to know some of the people there but the other parents barely said two words to me.. It's getting to the point where I find it hard to make small talk because I don't think anyone will want to speak to me anyway.

I have lots of friends who don't have children but they are busy with their childfree lives and it's hard to find time to see them. I'm genuinely a nice person, I just don't know why I can't seem to relate to or get on with other parents! It's really getting me down now. I'm starting to think it's because I dress slightly alternative (i wear dm's, bit of a hippy etc but nothing major) and I live in a really 'normal' (aka boringb) area. What ever it is, it's doing my head in and if anyone has experienced similar it would be very reassuring.

You are totally not alone...in fact you sound kind of like me!! I have an 8 month old & always thought I would spend our days with other mums like me socialising & outings but it hasn't been that way at all. In fact I've been bloody lonely a lot!

I have 2 friends with kids but one works full time so can't see us that often. My other friend has a one year old & we've been friends for many years, she was over the moon when she found out I was pregnant as we were 'going to spend so much time together' What has actually happened is she already had quite a close knit group of mum friends and honestly we've barely seen eachother I think she probably prefers their company to mine.

I have tried and still go to a baby group but I feel quite out of place, ppl are lovely but I just feel different. I'm 26 but feel I get on with most ppl but I find mums at groups generally already have their group & don't like welcoming 'newbies' I've actually found since having my baby that mums are really not that friendly towards other mums especially when they have a close group of friends already. Bit of a shame really.

You did the right thing pulling someone up on a racist comment good on you for not wanting to hold that sort of company!!

It has been a shock for me too, how difficult I've found it to integrate with other mums. I'm friendly and kind & a good communicator I think but for the first time I've found making friends hard & I too am all out of steam with the small talk so a lot of the time it's just me and my baby.

She's probably bored out of her mind

It does seem odd how cliquey people get. I guess we'll just have to hang in there until we meet some nice people somewhere! I do think it gets the worse the more urban your area is. In smaller towns people seem to be far more welcoming... Or at least that's my experience anyway.

My dc are older now. I used to feel like this. In hindsight I think my expectations were a bit skewed.

Really what I've found is that it's about building up foundations to network so that you can arrange things for your dc. It happens over time and gets easier once they're older and following their own interests and making their own friends.

I did go along to some group things when mine were small and found it difficult. Sometimes I'd find similar people to me, but it was 5 minute conversations here and there with lots of interruptions and friction with dc taking toys off one another or whatever. It's not very easy to make friends for yourself on that basis. But you can sort of build up networks so that you've got people to meet in the park or for coffee.

I found smaller groups a lot easier so if you can afford it, the music groups with 6 people or the mum and baby swim class. Even if you don't seem to gel with them there, if they then saw you somewhere else, chances are they'd chat to you. If you get out and about enough, you end up with several people like this.

But I've only found one mum over the years I really like and have much in common with. I think you've just got to turn up, join in, be pleasant and hope for the best. But also see it differently - it's a transient thing - people don't have a lot of spare time with small dc so as soon as something changes, e.g. work, different schools, they move on. The groups that you see hanging around are often formed from other places - nct groups, family, work colleagues, old school friends. If you don't have these connections you've just got to start building up the foundations.

Sorry for mammoth post.

I see what you mean, I had a really nice chat with a mum in the park a while ago but we've just not bumped in to each other since. I suppose a lot of the time it's fluke!

Yes I think it is fluke a lot of the time. Hopefully you'll bump into the nice mum again in the park.