To post in aibu because I am completely at breaking point with dd and I don't know where to go from here and desperately need your advice.

[throughaglassclearly]

Firstly have name changed.

DD is 12 years old. She has learning difficulties including dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. She also has issues with anxiety.

For years we were very close and she was a lovely girl.

For the last six months things have been horrendous. She struggled with the transition to secondary school but we had a 'honeymoon period' were she was really great and things were fine at home.

Then the year head left and several teachers she liked changed classes and she fell apart, she stopped coping. She even got detentions for not doing homework which is completely out of character although her behaviour at school was still very good. I went to the SENCO, got things put in place but things have been awful since then. For the record school have pulled out all the stops to support her, she is not being bullied, she gets masses of help and support and I really cannot ask more of them.

If she has had a bad day at school she literally explodes. A bad day can include someone putting their arms on her desk, someone chatting to her in lesson, someone saying something silly to her, someone disagreeing with her or her not getting the reward she wanted etc. She can be talking normally about a different topic and then she absolutely flips. She hits me, pushes me, hurts me, slams the door in my face and more. She kicks things across the room, throws things at the walls, breaks my things, screams in my face, tells me to ring the police she does not care, tells me I have brought her hitting on myself, holds me in a room and holds the door so I cannot get out, our neighbour complains about noise so she screams the place down and bangs intentionally to wind the neighbour up and says she doesn't care and calls them names (to me not them). If I go to another room she will just follow and ramps it up. She tells me to shut up.

If I had behaved anything like this with my own parents they would have gone nuclear.

Last week we had a massive tantrum because she asked for something from the shop and I said yes but that I needed to go somewhere quickly first.

I am utterly at my wits end. If I remove stuff she doesn't care. She does not go out so grounding doesn't work, If I talk calmly she ignores me, if I shout she shouts back. She will not go to her room to calm down she just gets in my face. She screams she isn't going to school I cannot make her etc.

She will not go to cahms or the gp, I have contacted young minds for advice too.

I am horrified at the girl she has become if I am honest. I am also sick of being in an abusive relationship with a child and ashamed to say I do not know a way forward or out of this, she screamed at me this morning that I should get lost and never come back and honestly I wish I could. :(

OK, get the ball rolling with statementing. You don't need the support of the SENCO. And however much they say you don't need a statement to be fully supported, it helps! Just contact the council directly, I think they have to respond within a month? I wish I had pursued statementing.

That reward system is missing the point a bit for your DD, isn't it?

It is missing the point entirely.
What is PDA please?

It sounds very difficult for you. My mum went through similar with my sister at the same age. Although her behaviour escalated so much at school she was expelled.

She was never diagnosed with any sn at school. It wasn't until she started college at 16 that they picked up on dyslexia and some other potential issues. However by this age she had settled down and didn't want to pursue any other diagnosis as I think she was embarrassed. Plus whatever it was she was coping with day to day life by now.

I also have an 11 year old dd and recognise the irrational mood swings.

Keep pushing for referrals. Go back to your gp. Get school to try and access help. Sadly those who shout loudest get the most help. Could ss help maybe? You sound at the end of your tether and as you say you are in an abusive relationship. Also if your parents can tale her to give you a break let them. Even if they are treating her and doing nice things so rewarding 'bad' behaviour she perhaps just can't help herself. Maybe they could have her overnight 1 weekend in 3 or something just to give you both a bit of time out from each other.

Pathological Demand Avoidance.

AS, PDA, Dyspraxia, Sensory-based dxs are all linked issues.

This sound so difficulty for you OP. Sounds like your daughter needs strategies for dealing with anxiety and anger. Like a poster above said, her bucket is too full. She needs to find ways to make holes in the bucket to release some of the stress. Would she try guided relaxation or progressive muscle relaxation? You can find scripts online. Maybe she could do that after school to wind down?

PDA www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/introduction/what-is-pathological-demand-avoidance.aspx

Don't stress wondering if she has it, find the coping strategies and see if it makes your home life a bit easier.

I too think she's in sensory overload all day with school and is just melting down all the time she's not there, firstly to get rid of some overload after the school day and secondly as it's ramping up before the next one.

As an excellent psychiatrist (one of several) whom I consulted about my son many years ago said, sensory issues are often just a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. My son also had massive behavioural issues, and I was beside myself. He was ultimately diagnosed with atypical Aspergers. I think you need expert specialist advice.
We had several very difficult years with our son, both at home and with school, but with loads of help (different therapies, appropriate school settings, etc), he is doing incredibly well now. Hang in there.

Ask this to be moved out of Aibu and into the SN board

Lots of good advice above but main thing I wanted to say having loads of experience with my son in the areas you discuss , rewards / punishment doesn't work - your daughter can't help it - she's struggling with spd and anxiety and is doing the best she can - but her cup is overflowing - imagine your brain listening to every single radio station at the same time at volume - that's her head - and she can't turn it off

this isn't about her "being naughty" or disobedient - to Change the behavior you need to 1. Change the environment or inputs and 2. Give her tools to cope with the environment or Inputs you can't change and 3. Get help with the anxiety from a health professional

Remember that the reason she explodes when things change is because a routine or order is the only way she has to control her environment - when things happen that change the way she thinks things are going to happen she feels out of control and her anxiety spikes - and because she's 12 she doesn't know how to deal with the anxiety in any productive matter - hence anger and screaming

Pm me if you want - I'm living in the same place as you

I really feel for you, top marks for hanging in there, you are the best chance she has.

My 11 year old DS has Autism, and gets just beside himself on bad days, he too has just started secondary school. Yes, everything is in place for him but he won't engage. He has major sensory issues. All the advice and help in the world is no use when you are trying to deal with it at home.
In desperation, I got a blow up punch bag from a major toy store, to my surprise, it works wonders. (He will never hit back at the bullies, and cries when they attack him). Then at bed time, (instead of listening to his pouring out his feelings, which could go on for well over an hour, and made him worse) We started planning our dream trip. I then got books about the food in Japan, and the beaches. At least he now can settle and I don't sit up all night with heartsick misery about all the bullying he's suffered.

Have you thought that there may be more to this perhaps? My dd is 12 and 'fell to pieces' earlier this year. She has not been to school since Easter as she just cannot cope with it. It's very common for girls to follow a pattern of being unable to cope with secondary school if they have Aspergers. We honestly had no idea until dx this year; we just thought she was spirited or quirky.
I totally sympathise with the meltdowns; no sooner was the car door shut at school would she launch into a terrible attack, usually directed at me about anything that might have gone wrong at school, usually connected with her keen sense of injustice, ( ie not picked for team, someone else got a prize, didn't get picked for a play part). After a couple of miles of driving she would have both me and her little sister in tears. It's exhausting.

Have a look at this link, it's quite generalised but there might be some bits that you see in your dd.

everydayaspergers.com/2012/02/10/aspergers-traits-women-females-girls/

The anxiety you mention is another huge feature for my dd. she will only go to places that she chooses and deems ok. She will not go anywhere overnight and some days it can be a battle to get her to leave the house at all. She also worries about things she may have said to offend, ( although this is contradictory as she can say the most awful things in anger).

I wonder if any of this sounds familiar?

DD has some developmental delays and is nearing the end of Y7. She is coping really well at secondary school but does find it exhausting, and when she is stressed and tired, the whole family feels the consequences.

I am constantly trying to find the correct balance between firm boundaries and giving her some leeway for compassionate reasons. I also struggle with the correct balance between helping her and letting her try to do stuff independently.

She copes better when she isn't tired or hungry, so I am strict about bedtimes and feed her almost as soon as she gets home from school.

The rest is infinite patience plus a bit of a balancing act, which I do not always get right.

Nearing the end of Y7? Nearing the end of the first term. Two more to go... I'll be taking one day at a time.

Waitingforsherlock I have many Aspergic traits and found that link helpful; thank you.

TheSecondOfHerName I'm glad you found it useful. There are some other good posts on that site too.

DD is 10 and has lots in common with yours, bar the dyspraxia, I think. I dread the onslaught of teen hormones and the move to secondary. I'm sorry I can't be more positive but I am very empathetic. CAMHS have been very earnest and kindly but useless and we've been with them for 3 years. I am trying to get private therapy (Google Anger Gremlins for kids and young people)

I really wish I could help but i cannot offer any advice, my son is like this, he will have meltdowns almost everynight for weeks on end and be extremley violent, it has started spilling over to school now where he is crying when he goes in as he doesnt want to be there and is getting highly anxious.

He often threatens to kill himself and will try on occasions, Cahms wont have anything to do with us because they say its not a mental health issue they say he needs a proper Asd assesment, so weve been going round in circles.

I even have tried walking out the house and sitting on the step till he calms down however he came out and ended up throwing a bunch of keys dead hard at my face then picked them up and lobbed them, took us hours to fine them, last week he threw a 4 pack of tuna at my leg and has tried strangling me on numerous occasions!!!

We are apprently and i say this with baited breath! seeing a private Ed pych in school in January however we will see whever this happens or not!!

Good luck op if you ever find anything that helps please let me know xxxxxx

Read about retained reflex therapy.

Thank you for all the links. Will go and have a look. Sorry for the delay in replying. It's been a rough few days and I have been in to speak to school yesterday.

Today has ended with a four hour meltdown with her attacking me and calling me names over something very minor that had happened at school.

Oh OP this sounds so hard

I have an 11yo DS in Y7 who has aspergers and attention deficit disorder. On the whole he has managed the transition to secondary really well, but we see the effects of that whole 'cup is full and he cannot cope with any more' thing at home too. He can be very volatile and what terrifies me is that his instinct is always to lash out at his younger brothers (youngest is only 2 ) so I have to be constantly watchful.

I would highly, highly recommend getting a punchbag. We got one like this and it has made a huge difference to DS. A short punchbag session can calm him quicker than anything else.

I know it doesn't help deal with the source of the problem but it might at least help your DD channel her stresses and frustrations at an inanimate object rather than you.

Just another one whose dd without any SN was absolutely impossible at that age. She had PMT for at least two weeks out of every month. In her case, one session of acupuncture made a huge difference. She should actually have had a series of acupuncture treatment, but refused to go back, but the difference was still enormous.

Have PM'd you Through

sorry took so long to get back. Waiting list in our area is long but they decided to combat with an initial Banardoes referral while on the waiting list (mainly to double check its Sen ect rather than parenting issues at home - plus give parents some support).