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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to visit his DM's grave?

18 replies

hownottofuckup · 05/12/2015 12:34

Ex will be taking DC to visit his DM's grave before Xmas as he does every year.
From what he's said he seems to be presuming I will go too.

I was very fond of his DM and I do want to be kind to him, I know he finds this time of year hard, but for myself I don't think I want to go.

Firstly, last year he went with DC and took his then GF who DC met for the first time. Not relevant but (perhaps selfishly) it makes me feel uncomfortable about going this year myself.

Secondly, he's very presumptuous where i'm concerned and I do tend to go with the flow as I don't like to upset anyone. I get the impression he believes we are on course to get back together. I am conflicted about this but my gut instinct is that it's a terrible idea. Would never work and I don't want to set the DC up for heartbreak.
I am seeing a counsellor about this as it is something I know I need to address.

So, should I go with them? On the one hand I feel uncomfortable and don't want to give him the wrong impression. On the other, I don't know if this is the right situation to make a stand really. I plan to confront the whole situation in the new year, like I said Xmas is really not a good time of year for him and I want to have a few more counselling sessions to work through my feelings on the situation and a plan for moving forward. I really can't afford to fuck this one up!

OP posts:

Oldraver · 05/12/2015 12:37

No...He's a big boy and can go on his own. He cant presume to pick back up with you now.

ImperialBlether · 05/12/2015 12:39

Why don't you say, "Oh no, you should take Girlfriend with you."?

Original poster

hownottofuckup · 05/12/2015 12:42

Sorry I didn't make that clear, he split with the GF not long after.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 05/12/2015 12:46

I woulden't, why should you! He's an ex, not a partner, he can take the kids on his own.

gleam · 05/12/2015 12:55

Could you buy a wreath for the grave or perhaps make one with the kids, for them to take?

That way, your ex sees you being thoughtful without you having to go.

sonjadog · 05/12/2015 13:14

Why would you go? He's your ex.

If you want to pay respects to his mother because of the relationship you had with her, then you can do it when you want to.

Original poster

hownottofuckup · 05/12/2015 13:16

gleam that's a good idea thanks, I think I might go with that.
Aero I think that's where the problems lie the lines are blurred so we're not quite ex's or partners. It definitely needs addressing, i'm just not sure if this is the time to start.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 05/12/2015 13:19

Is there ever going to be a good time to address it or is it always going to be a difficult thing to do? There are always reasons to put off doing something, but sometimes you just have to get on with it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2015 13:32

"as he does every year."
How many years?

"I know he finds this time of year hard"
Why? Just because his mother died at this time of year (I'm presuming this because of the visit to the grave), or for other reasons?

"I get the impression he believes we are on course to get back together. I am conflicted about this but my gut instinct is that it's a terrible idea. Would never work and I don't want to set the DC up for heartbreak. "

"the lines are blurred so we're not quite ex's or partners."
These statements caught my eye. How are the lines blurred? Because that does set the DC up with expectations which I assume he would feed.

Creampastry · 05/12/2015 13:44

If you don't want to go, dont. Simple.

LaurieLemons · 05/12/2015 13:46

I would just make out you didn't get the hint that you would all be going, say that you have plans and if he gets the hump say that you would prefer to pay your respects another time because you don't want the kids to get the wrong end of the stick about the two of you.

Original poster

hownottofuckup · 05/12/2015 14:02

4 years, and yes due to his DM's death.
The reason for splitting up was in a large part due to wanting to set DC a good example of adult relationships, but i'm still failing to do this. There are no boundaries in the relationship, no discussion, we've split up a few times but haven't actually moved on from each other. It can't go on. I need to address it, but I don't want it to become about his grief rather than the situation re us and the DC.

OP posts:

TeaFathers · 05/12/2015 14:06

he's your ex!! the cheek of him.
if he ever thought he was in a position to tell you what to do when you were together, he certainly is not now.
tell him to go do one.
you're under no obligation whatsoever to an ex. fucking nerve of him.

DCITennison · 05/12/2015 14:12

Look at it this way, when there was a girlfriend on the scene you weren't (I assume?) invited to visit the grave with him. If another girlfriend comes along, again, it won't be you he wants/expects to go and support him.

So he's asking you because currently there's no better option. Sod that. It's not your job to hold his hand.

Original poster

hownottofuckup · 05/12/2015 14:16

Tbf I do think I am just ad culpable in this situation.
That's part of it DCI next year it'll be someone else, I think it gives the DC the impression i'm interchangeable with these GF's. Or maybe i'm just bitter I don't know.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2015 15:51

"That's part of it DCI next year it'll be someone else, I think it gives the DC the impression i'm interchangeable with these GF's."
So he only asked you because he's not currently in a relationship? Well, that's not acceptable, but it is a Get Out Of Jail Free card. There have obviously been at least one year you did not accompany him, and you should use LaurieLemons' suggestion - "that you would prefer to pay your respects another time because you don't want the kids to get the wrong end of the stick about the two of you."

If that starts the 'what do you mean wrong impression' conversation, so much the better. You've said "There are no boundaries in the relationship, no discussion, we've split up a few times but haven't actually moved on from each other", so this conversation is woefully overdue. And there is never a good time, so this IS as good a time as any. Although I would question the 'not moving on' - he's had girlfriend(s?) so yes he has moved on. He's just also keeping you in reserve. It's time you got a bit angrier about that.

Just as it's time you got angry about the lack of clarity to the DC. " I don't want to set the DC up for heartbreak." Is he setting them up? Get angry about that.

"The reason for splitting up was in a large part due to wanting to set DC a good example of adult relationships"
So it wasn't a happy relationship. So you should be clear that you're not going to re-enter it again. Clear in your own mind, and in speaking to him.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/12/2015 17:10

I don't know if this is the right situation to make a stand really

This is exactly the right situation to make a stand, but it doesn't have to be done in a confrontational manner as all you need to say is that in the run up to Christmas you don't have time to go to the cemetary and, in any event, as his dm is never far from your thoughts you know she'll understand your absence.

Buy your dc a holly wreath to place on the grave and attach an in memoriam card from them using bright red ribbon to cheer the winter's gloom.

I get the impression he believes we are on course to get back together If you don't want to point out the obvious before Christmas, use the days immediately after to make it clear that neither 2016 nor any subsequent years will effect a reconciliation as, notwithstanding any affection you may have for him as the df of your dc, your once intimate relationship with him is over and it's time for you both to move on from each other once and for all.

Original poster

hownottofuckup · 05/12/2015 17:30

Thank you for your replies, they're really helpful.

he's just keeping you in reserve you are right. Things never work out with these new relationships and he comes back to me to lick his wounds.

I make a concerted effort not to be angry about it. Deep down I am very very angry about a lot of things, but I know from experience I need to be very careful about showing it or the whole thing blows up.

OP posts:

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