Another MIL one. ....

[Tink06]

Mil has come to live with us through ill health. It means lots of adjustments all round. I am coping with it most of it but she is so bloody nasty.
She is awful to dsd for some reason. Dsd looks after her on her days off college, cooks lunch, makes constant drinks, keeps her company etc but she never has anything nice to say. She had her in tears last week as she said something really awful about her mum. Very uncalled for. Dsd ran out of the room heartbroken - i told mil how much she had upset her and comforted dsd but she didn't apologise. I asked dh to have a word but he hasn't.
I have just found out that she slags me constantly. The most annoying is she told her friends who came to visit that I don't do anything, dh comes home from work and does everything, cooks, cleans etc when its actually me that does it. This has really got to me as its the bit I find most stressful - cooking her healthy varied meals from her very limited options. Also coming home to pots all over, a pile of washing n ironing (continence issues so seems to be loads extra), as well as taking to her loads of appointments, sorting tablets, hospital etc...
She has always been like this - slags everyone as soon as their backs are turned so am trying to take it with a pinch of salt but how can I get her to stop it? I think dh should do it as its his mum and he should let her know its not acceptable, especially with dsd (his daughter )? Aibu in asking him. So far he is burying his head in the sand but I think being in ill health (mainly mobility wise) does not excuse appalling behaviour. Incidentally she isn't nasty to the other 2 kids (who are mine) or dss who is at uni most if the fine just dsd. I know he hates confrontation and doesn't want to upset her but I think it has to be tackled now and not left to fester.

"I asked dh to have a word but he hasn't."
So he's OK with his mother being so nasty to his daughter that she's in tears .

And she LIES about you.

"So far he is burying his head in the sand but I think being in ill health (mainly mobility wise) does not excuse appalling behaviour."
You are right, it doesn't excuse it. And anyway, it sounds as if her appalling behaviour predates her ill health by years.

"I know he hates confrontation and doesn't want to upset her but I think it has to be tackled now and not left to fester."
Tough shit that he hates confrontation. EVERYBODY hates confrontation. Well, everybody normal. I'm afraid I would give him an ultimatum - he does it or I do it, and I will be telling her she's not welcome in my house any more.

TBH, I would look into alternative living arrangements for her anyway. The lying nasty fucker . I know you've said "she's staying" but I think you really need to think about this. At best she will rein it in for a bit, but she will continue to lie and be nasty, and she'll quickly ramp it back up. That, along with your husband's cravenness, will put your marriage under immense strain. Possibly to breaking point and beyond.

Oh, one last thing - DO NOT BE DIPLOMATIC with her. Be blunt to the point of calling a spade a fucking shovel. This is not a situation where you will catch more flies with honey this is a situation where a short sharp shock will make more impact.

If she lives in your house it is more than acceptable for you to speak to her. Lay down the law. Tell her or won't be accepted.

I would look into having a carer for her come in to do things that are v personal - its not easy being on the receiving or giving end f its family so if you can afford someone to come in to do personal stuff for a couple of sessions a day or two or three afternoons or something that would help ease things. DSD needs to stop being a carer and become a child again and GD it is unacceptable that she is in the firing line.

I am dreading the day MIL needs to come here (and I suspect she will at some point) as we will need to have sep rooms for her as she drives me potty - so own bedroom/bathroom and living area we visit rather than in the mix so at least I can deal with it in those confines and walk away when I can't deal with it

I suspect Mum or Dad may end up with me as well

IME I've noticed that some women of a certain age seem to regard the daughters (including DSD in this) as only there to be their carers, so they can be treated like dirt and must do as they are told, no matter how unreasonable or inconvenient.

Please suggest to DSD that if she is being spoken to badly, she must just leave the room, and stay away.

Or you could just tell MIL that you are going to let DSD choose her nursing home......

Goodness me have started something here. This is dh's mum - someone who has brought him up and who we all love. She isn't an evil woman. I wanted advise on how to tackle nasty comments. I don't hate her - I just want her to reign it in and realise how hurtful her comments are, especially to dsd (and me).

I knew it wasn't going to be easy but the only option other than this is a home which would just finish her off. She would hate it. She does love her grand children but seems to have just gone into grumpy old lady mode. Looking back I think its depression starting from when her husband died (before I met dh).
She has always been like this (uber critical of everyone) but its more noticeable now. I noticed ad's in with her other medication. She has got a doctor's appt next week so might ask them to look at these - I suspect they haven't been changed for years
We don't expect dsd to provide care either - when she isn't at college she makes her lunch and cups of tea (which she does for herself anyway). If she isn't here dh nips home at lunchtime and does it. She doesn't have to stay in. They are her study days so she is generally on the laptop anyway and like I say doing lunch and drinks for herself.
I mil she has also got into the habit of not saying anything up front and grumping behind your back which she doesnt realise is ultimately worse.
Of the many issues I thought we might face I didn't really see this one and I know it needs tackling now. Think we need to make it clear she needs to tell us as well about things that she's not happy with (trivial example is her eating things she isn't keen on instead of telling me). When she needs something washing but doesn't like asking me etc. Waits and collars dh instead.
Think we all need a big family conflab to sort it.

At early 70s you could have another 20 years of this, except it's unlikely as she'd probably have split your family up long before that. I understand that she didn't like living alone, but sharing someone's home involves behaving acceptably and it's just not happening, is it?

IME seniors don't necessarily become a different person; they simply get to be an older version of what they've always been, and clearly this one has always been difficult

Personally I'd forget the "she stays no matter what" and "DH just wants everyone to get on" mindsets and lay out your requirements firmly, clearly and straight away, along with clear consequences - and there's no way I'd be using DSD as her carer any more

Cross posted with your last update, Tink06

I don't believe anyone here has forgotten it's your OH's mum you're talking about, or ignored the family ties you all feel; indeed, without them she'd probably be in a home already. However my comments about making clear what's acceptable or not stand

I'm not sure if you've said how long she's been living with you? If it's a fairly recent arrangement, you might also want to consider whether straightening out a few things at this stage might save you even worse grief later on?

Please speak up on how you feel before it's too late. I ended up having to give up my relationship with the man I love because my exMIL drove me to the edge. Not only did she say or do mean things like yours but she did so many batshit things like not tell me my ex was in hospital in a coma and could have died until he was out 3 weeks later. She ignored all of my calls and texts and I believed he was dead and was close to aborting our daughter because of it. Seriously, please speak up about the little things before it gets too late

"This is dh's mum - someone who has brought him up and who we all love."
That love won't last if she continues to behave in this way.

"She isn't an evil woman."
No-one has called her evil. I have called her 'lying nasty fucker' and frankly I stand by that. She tells terrible lies about you. She is nasty to DSD (and others). IMO that makes her a lying nasty fucker.

"I wanted advise on how to tackle nasty comments. I don't hate her - I just want her to reign it in and realise how hurtful her comments are, especially to dsd (and me). "
And when she doesn't rein it in? Because that's what most of us are expecting. She has behaved like this for years, it is who she is. Don't kid yourself it's depression and a tweak of her medication will make everything OK. It isn't her depression, it's her personality .

So what are you going to do when she keeps on being the way she is now?

I wonder how many of MIL's contemporaries are living with their adult children. Some might envy her. If she's been troubled by depression since FIL passed away she won't be able to snap out of a mindset all that quickly.

Either his Mother wants to be the entire focus of your home life and finds ways to keep everyone on their toes worried or inconvenienced at every moment.
Or perhaps realistically she is a widow, dependent on her DS and too proud to go to her new DIL and admit when she's not enjoying her food or requiring extra laundry.

I still think if MIL is a Catherine Tate type gran, then a word or two from her DS who, according to her, walks on water, will help prevent DSD feeling disconnected from the rest of her siblings. Is MIL playing favourites because she holds a grudge against DSD's birth mother?

I imagine it's a mix of pride and dignity when she asks DH to do certain tasks or moans to her pals if there's anything amiss. When you have that family talk maybe start off with the two older generations. It might help if you reassure her it was a joint decision to have her live with you all (assuming it was!) and you want everyone to be honest and straight in dealings.

Thereafter you need to grow a thicker skin and a like it or lump it attitude. It might be useful if DH does a spot of cooking when he's available so MIL can start appreciating your efforts more.
Btw if it's DSD leaving the kitchen in a mess don't just feel resentful pull her up on it.

I think you need to not worry too much about being 'diplomatic'. I would be inclined to just tell her how it is and how she is expected to behave. Don't give her the chance to deliberately 'misunderstand' what you mean. Being old, being incontinent, being ill all excuse some things; none of them being abusive to your family.

She's being allowed to rule the roost. It must be difficult for everyone, especially your poor stepdaughter. I would be telling the prematurely-old curmudgeon that it's not working out and that she needs to make behavioural adjustments if she doesn't want to be back in sheltered accommodation. When Catherine Tate does Nan it's very funny, but in reality, children can't be expected to live with folk who are acting like that.

So the choices are that either she lives with you and makes your DSD (who has presumably been through quite a lot of life upheaval already if she is living with dad, step mum and half siblings) unhappy,

Or she lives in a home and she is unhappy.

Who do you love more? Your DSD or your MIL? Who comes first?

Maybe MIL can be "encouraged" to not be so nasty but it sounds like it is pretty ingrained so that may be impossible.

I had a Great aunt like this. She was like a gran to us but there were several family members she spoke to appallingly and the kinder they were to her, the worse she got. There were historic reasons for her behaviour that the people she was mean to had no control over but she still had to punish them. My mum found the best way to deal with her bullying was to front up to her each time she heard her being rude about someone. My aunt accepted this and I think it is good not to let the comments go unchallenged at the time. Good luck and well done for caring for her.

There are probably many complicated reasons and issues why your mil is like this. I don't think you can put a stop to the nasty things she says. You can only change how you react or process the things she does.
I think in some way you need to separate what she says from who she is.
You say she has always been like this? You also say you all love her, so try to consider it an emotional illness she has that she can't control.
I do think you should speak out each time she does it though. Tell her it's uncalled for and hurtful...but leave it at that, don't argue or go on about it.
I doubt your DH tackling it will have much effect, but he could try at least!
You have taken this on and seem to want to help her, so maybe get advice from people who are trained in geriatric care?

Let nothing slide, no matter how small, just firmly and briefly put her straight. She'll learn or leave.

I think its a good idea to tackle everything as it happens, not in an argumentative way just be firm in saying its not acceptable. I will let dsd know this too so she knows we are tackling it and being supportive.
Its not a case of who I love most either. Its a case of trying to make it work for all of us. It isn't all doom and gloom - this weekend has been fine so I know it can work.
It can't be easy for her having to ask me to do everything.
I do need to get a ticket skin as well when it comes to me (not dsd obviously). Its not really the end of the world if she whinges about me.