About dh behaviour since going back to work?!

[Nervouswithnewborn]

Dh is lovely lovely good man but if has one flaw (and I'd be the first to admit I have several) it's being slightly thoughtless / disorganised. He has been back at work for two weeks after three weeks paternity leave (was going to take four and btw this was largely annual leave he built up not a perk so we've not been away together all year bar visiting his parents which definitely doesn't count!) and clearly feels the need to make up lost time and get back in good books (new boss and also manages large team which I think he really cares about liking him, fair enough but you can care too much) His role is demanding and can involve long hrs but he said he'd manage this. Last week came back after midnight on weds, promised to be early rest of week and wasn't back til eight, this week is going to be late three nights, all because of Christmas socials which i get can be important but surely u can just show your face buy the team a round if u have to then go, and feels like I'm having to really argue for him to be home to spend any time with me and ds who is only five weeks old today! On the Friday he came back late smelling of beer explaining he's been drinking in office as team has had big week and wanted to say thanks bringing beers in as had to work late Friday which I get but also think could have given a colleague some money to get them and come home esp as I used to work in office with Friday booze and you never work as efficiently. I want him to do baths with us but impossible to plan without knowing when he will be home so either schedule (ha ha as if we have one but trying!!) goes out window or he misses it. Whenever I ask about specific times he will be home it seems impossible for him to answer. He seems shattered and a bit mardy and fairly unaware that we are up three times a night with feeds (deep sleeper) and this morning woke us both up putting bright light on outside our room - was seven but we'd been feeding til six so needed a lie in - and was pretty unapologetic. Don't want to row or make home seem like obligation but am so tired myself that need the support in evenings ideally before eight and feel hurt having to argue the case for him to see us over getting sloshed!! Aibu? How do I fix this?!

This is such a difficult time anyway with a newborn, and a difficult month which is more social, so I can see how this can have happened.

I do think though that it sounds like your husband and you need a frank conversation about expectations now the baby is here, including what is a reasonable time to get home/how many nights out a week.

My husband used to be a bit of a workaholic, and in the end, we agreed no more than 3 nights a week after 7pm and one weekend night (on his hobby)- which might have been far too much time out for some people, but it worked for us, because we all knew where we stood.

I would also break the 1950's dynamic early on by getting him to care for the baby by himself on weekends/evenings, so you go out for two hours and leave them to it, or he takes them out to the park on Sat morning so you can have a rest. So many people I know have husband who simply can't care for their own children (conveniently) as they have never done it, time goes by, they are deskilled and the mum does everything, even when they go back to work. Stop that before it starts, he is able to do baths/days out/care for a newborn too, even if breastfeeding.

You both sound like nice people, doing your best, but exhausted and tired, I'm sure you discussing how this is going to work will help everyone- including him as otherwise you are going to be pissed off all the time and cross when he is home which creates a bad atmosphere.

this happened to me too. dp had only just got the job when I had dd1 so he had two weeks off then threw himself into every after work meet up etc. I didn't eat a hot meal for three weeks after he went back as she wouldn't stop feeding long enough to cook anything. once I switched to bottle it got easier but then she was asleep when he git up to go to work and in bed when he git back after drinks etc so she didn't really see him.fir months.

in the end I just started doing it all myself rather than wait fir him to.get back and help so that was easier in me and I could he sat down and having dinner and enjoying the peace when he got home rather than frantically trying to sort out the baby after waiting fir him to get back.

I don't know how necessary any of it was. I understood he wanted to make a good impression however it did take the piss when it carried on.

Can't really advise on how to get him to see the light, but just remember one very important thing. You are not being irrational. What you are saying is totally rational and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Of course you need him home in the evenings. Of course you need him to give you a break and get involved with bathtime. Of course he can go for a drink and buy a round and leave. They all know he has a newborn and wife at home.

It is all totally normal needs that he isn't currently meeting. Why he isn't doing it is another story. Work pressure or selfisness, I don't know. Either way I don't think he understands your needs for his support at home in the evening and overnight. Spelling it out to him calmly is your best route and hopefully he'll sort it out.

Agree with outofpractice, I think its getting more and more a badge of honour to be an involved dad. Yes obviously men shouldn't need prizes for being a decent parent but if it helps nudge a bit of change...

Very glad he's willing to talk. Please both be aware of how if he excludes himself now it increases the risk of him ending up a 'clueless dad'. But be gentle with him (at first anyway!)

Maybe also point out that as he is reasonably senior he owes it to all the other dads in his workplace - and their dcs and partners, to prioritise his dc, visibly.

And during the day, other new mums especially 2nd & 3rd timers are a total lifeline!

Best of luck and please please keep talking.

Oh and I would add, he HAS to understand how much more his unreliability impacts on you now. At least before dc, if he failed to come home etc you could probably watch something you really liked on telly, do your nails, or whatever. Now: no chance. This has to be nipped in the bud!

In your situation I would rather dh had said he'd be home at 10, and come home at 10, than said he'd be home at 7 and be home at 8.30. (plus he is having to be honest with himself about his hours in the former situation, which is good for all concerned)

I have always found unreliability to be the banshee-inducing pits (think pints of beer thrown over head in front of the whole pub banshee). But it may simply not have dawned on him. Spell it out. My dh's legitimate complaint to me has been expecting him to guess stuff. He appreciates having it spelt out. He wants to be a good husband and appreciates the help! (I know that sounds sexist and patronising, but he said it not me!)

I have felt very similar in the past, generally during maternity leave.

In my case, 80% of the problem was the uncertainty. My whole life was chaotic (newborn twins are not predictable!) and then DH never arrived home at a consistent time either. My DH has a long commute, so I asked him to text when he got on the train, or to text at 7 if he wasn't on the train by then. He sometimes managed it, and on those days I felt so much less abandoned - he'd remembered so was thinking of us, and I could make a vague plan for the evening.

Having done the pressured job plus long commute myself, I understand why he finds it hard to plan when he'll be home. To be home before 8pm he needs to leave the office shortly after 6pm, and in many London offices things are still in full swing at 6pm. So you get distracted and it's too late to catch the train, so you have 30 more mins at work. If you get distracted at the wrong moment again then it's another 30 mins .... And it's easy to get distracted when the office is still very much working and not winding down.

For us, the answer was for me to not expect him home at any particular time and my to plan on his help. If he turns up and chips in then that's great, if not then I will manage. During the week he just goes to work and takes care of himself, and I manage the home/family. Sound a bit 1950's, but it's what works for us (and I don't feel any obligation to cook for him or wash his clothes etc - if I do then it's a bonus, if not then he gets on with it). We've just decided that Monday - Friday he works hard to advance his career (which also involves social stuff, though I don't ask for details often as I get envious!) while I am responsible for the home stuff. If I want to do social stuff during the week then I ask him to be home by X time and he does his best to reschedule meetings etc to be there or tells me up front that he can't do it. At the weekend we divide stuff differently in a way that works for us.

Lots of waffle, sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there may just be too much in your combined lives to enable him to build a career, you to be off work and for him to focus on family stuff every day. If you can discuss it and agree with him where your combined efforts should be spent for the next 6 months (and what the cost/consequences of those decisions might be), then you might stop feeling so resentful because you each understand and agree on the long term goal?

Thanks All, really appreciate thoughtful advice. Think he does feel big sense of responsibility and not black and white but do need sensible chat too - we are both finding our way!! Gives me huge respect as ever for anyone who does this on their own, with more than one or both!!! Xxx

Glad you've had a chance to get it out and start chatting to him about his. It does sound like becoming a dad had made his realise his responsibilities and the importance of keeping on his bosses good side. A compromise might be a good idea. Agreeing that on a certain day of the week that's the night he should socialise. All other nights, unless planned and agreed in advance (so you know where you stand in terms of baby's routine and your dinner time etc) are nights he needs to be home. It won't last for ever but at least for the first few months he should be able to survive this and work socials will have to survive without him.

Its very h are being on mat leave with a new baby - what you need most IMO is support both mentally and physically.

I've got a 3 week old and am finding looking after him fine but that is mostly because dh and I are a slick team now. He deals with the 2&3 yos at night I do the baby. He does the odd nappy and cuddle in the evenings bug gets on with food, bath etc for the others.

Crucially I don't solely rely on him to tell everything and be there. I have others now as well.

And we have accepted our strengths - he isn't endlessly fascinated by newborns and I am.

He pulls his weight though.

It just takes time to get there.

End of this ramble is to say keep talking keep working on it and together and you will get there