To take heed of my manager's comment?

[OuttedSelf]

NC as this is quite outing if my manager is a MNetter.

On Friday drinks my manager (female) got slightly tipsy and told me that if I ever hoped to have a chance in hell at getting in her position I'd have to make some sacrifices. She didn't necessarily elaborate but from what I know of her she has 2 dcs which she claims to have had in quick succession to reduce the amount of time she spent outside of the boardroom. Her DH is a SAHD and she'd be the first to admit that were it not for him being in that position she couldn't have risen up the ranks like she did.

This conversation came about when she asked me about my partner whom I've recently broken up with. I did mention it is a sad state of affairs as he's the one I thought I'd go on to marry and have dcs with but of course that will now not happen.

She and I have a great working relationship and I have confided in her in the past but on Friday she put a new spin on things. I have the utmost respect for her and she's dealt with some grisly situations in our workplace but she just put it to me as in 'you can't have it all' something or someone has to give.

I'm not entirely sure what my AIBU is but listening to her made me re-think things entirely. I can see over the years that in my work place that women who were once flying the flag dropped behind once they'd come back from maternity leave or requested flexi time or whatever. She didn't do any of that bar the maternity leave - her DH has always been 'on call' for the dcs. She's often the first to arrive in the office and often the last to leave. She's well respected in our field but it seemed to me that she was saying this is basically because she's configured such an arrangement with her DH.

I know that not everyone is as fortunate as she is and indeed she can afford to be the sole bread-winner but it seemed like she was giving me a bit of a warning signal about my decisions to come.

The80sweregreat - but she didn't have it all. Someone else was bringing up her kids.... ?

The upshot of it all for the OP is that someone [her line manager] who has been there and bought the t-shirt is pointing out that she will need to make choices along the way and should potentially consider what she actually wants out of life/career/family/spousal attributes in advance.

For most people this is fairly obvious. For many it seems to be a shock that 1) they are married to someone who doesn't regard their career with equivalent value to theirs and that there are unpleasant financial and independence consequences to starting a family;
2) or that their previous steady/meteoric rise up the corporate ladder has come grinding to a halt;
3) or that shock horror, having had a child that actually they have ceased to give a shit about the greasy pole.
etc etc.

We can debate all we want about what are the key enablers to "having it all" or at least some sort of balance between all conflicting demands but at the end of the day it is ALL a personal choice for each and every one of us to decide what it is we want to achieve.

Life may have other ideas but my interpretation of the OP's conversation was that she was recommended to think seriously about the implications of each of the choices open to her.

Without my DW dropping her hours to part-time I wouldn't have been able to do the job I do now and earn what I do.

Without my earnings we wouldn't have been able to live in the area DW wants to live in, buy the house she wanted, send our DCs to the school she wanted them to go to, have the lifestyle we both wanted, etc., etc.

So it is a partnership.

MN really gets my goat when I hear the same awfulness that 'Someone else is raising her DC'

I work quite a few hours as does DH. We are both raising our DC. While we have hired people to help us we manage them and dictate the schedule. The activities, books and toys etc are carefully selected by us, which I assume is what any parent does regardless of their working status. We also speak to our DC all the time. Both DH and I are raising our DC, not school, daycare or hired help. I do expect our parents to shape our DC but as they are 3000 miles away their influence is sadly limited.

While I agree you can't have it all, you can come pretty darn close if you work very hard at it and decide what is important and what isn't. I tried staying home and decided it wasn't for me. I didn't spend much more time with my DC, instead it was me doing all of the grunt work with DH coming in from work expecting to put his feet up. I think I am a better mother for working.

Is it the DH you are worried about - and their loss of job and status too?

Murdock don't you feel like you are missing out on your children's childhood by being such a careerboy. How do you feel about your children being raised by strangers while you work? headtilt.

It may work for you but that pattern being repeated by man after man shafts women's career opportunities because it means (male) managers make assumptions about what women and men will do when they have children. For example, I bet no manager ever has asked you about how you manage your childcare, if you are planning to have (more) children or suggested you aren't suitable for a job because you have children and so can't commit yourself 100% to your job.