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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL aibu

19 replies

mummy92 · 01/12/2015 16:25

A bit of a long story but here goes.
I have just got my dream job however it's a few more hours than I did previously my 2 dd's are currently looked after by my dm & df who both work but are more flexible. my oldest dd 2.5 goes to preschool and I'm going to send my youngest dd to a childminder for a day a week. My problem is my mil who works shifts and knows her schedule between now and next November says when she can she will have the children to help my dm & df so far in the 2 months I've been back at work after mat leave she has had them once and then when I broach it she makes me feel guilty. My oh has mentioned it and she's give me a few more dates but she always does this and I know it's her life but if she didn't want them why say you will. I'm really upset as my dad had to cancel some meetings yesterday and it turned out mil wasn't even working I even asked her and she said she was she did go to work at night but I was home by 3 aibu to be annoyed and upset by this.

OP posts:

Hillfog · 01/12/2015 16:31

Mine offered to help out so I used to email a list of dates I needed help for for the next few months and my MIL would come back with a Y/N answer if she could help. DC were then booked into childcare for any dates left over. With enough notice is she reliable?

redskybynight · 01/12/2015 16:37

You MIL is doing exactly what she said - having the DC when she can. She's just not being as overgenerous as your parents. TBH you really shouldn't be expecting your DF to cancel things to accommodate you - it sounds like you need to more organised childcare set up.

If I was working at night, I wouldn't want to be looking after 2 pre-schoolers during the day.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/12/2015 16:38

Not sure I fully understand the OP...but the truth is, she's not obliged to be your free childminder, so it's very nice of her to do any childcare at all. Saying she'll have them when she can doesn't mean she'll have them every day she's not working - she may have other commitments as well.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/12/2015 16:39

And yes, agree with redsky....if I were working an evening or night shift, I wouldn't be up for daytime childcare either. I'd either need to sleep, or get everyday stuff done.

abbieanders · 01/12/2015 16:40

It doesn't sound like she told you she would babysit yesterday?

Aliceinwonderlust · 01/12/2015 16:43

It's a bit confusing as to why you think she's having the children at certain times, did she "book" them in those dad then let you down?

I think your childcare sounds quite unstructured I would either continue with childminder and your parents and explain your MIL can pick your children up from these arrangements if she wants to spend some time with them (so it doesn't matter if she doesn't turn up as you still have childcare in place) or tell MIL she'll have to stick up weekend visits

Enjolrass · 01/12/2015 16:44

Why did you dad have to cancel meetings yesterday?

Either e made them knowing you needed him, you worked last minute, or your childcare arrangement isn't very organised.

Tbf if your dad had to cancel meetings I can't see how that mils fault at all.

NerrSnerr · 01/12/2015 16:45

It sounds like you need to find more formal child care if your dad is having to cancel meetings etc. I wouldn't want to look after two small children before I go to work in the evening too.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/12/2015 17:06

aibu to be annoyed and upset by this

Yes you are. She said that she wasn't available. Stop asking her and sort out an alternative. If she gets huffy, simply say that you cannot remain employed without reliable childcare when you need it.

lorelei9 · 01/12/2015 17:11

wow, I found your OP really hard to read

if you are saying that she wasn't at work and you think she should have looked after your child, then YABU

if you are saying she offered, yes, I know she offered sometimes but not all the time? Hard to tell from your post. But she isn't free babysitting. If she is going back on her word, I can see you'd be cross but what happens if she is ill or something? you need to sort proper childcare.

GloriousGoosebumps · 01/12/2015 17:25

Please don't make your father cancel meetings in order to provide you with childcare - last minute cancellations will make him look unprofessional and adversely affect his career. As you're earning you can and should pay for childcare. You certainly need more robust arrangements than simply expecting your parents to drop their work requirements for you whenever you can't get away from the office.

Original poster

mummy92 · 01/12/2015 17:31

I don't expect her to have my children. she offers than cancels last minute such as up until Sunday she said she would have the children Monday then decided to pick up a overtime shift at night fair enough but not helpful for me. my childminder can only have them certain days until Christmas as she's full until then. I don't expect her to have my children all the time it's the fact she says she will then cancels last minute or she sometimes picks them up from my mums and says things like I wish she would ask me more I hardly ever get to see the girls.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummy92 · 01/12/2015 17:37

Also I didn't ask my dad to cancel he offered as it was my first day in my new job which is same pay as my last job were I worked less hours but more in the field. My routine worked fine before my parents had my children a day and half a week a week and they were in childcare arrangements before. When I took the new job my mil offered to help out more until my childminder could take my dd's more. What's annoyed me as she has offered then made a u turn and not really done anything I know it's up to her but why say you will if you don't mean it.

OP posts:

AbeSaidYes · 01/12/2015 17:40

You need consistent childcare in place. MIL can't offer that. Use paid childcare instead.

Enjolrass · 01/12/2015 17:41

it's the fact she says she will then cancels last minute

I can't see in your op where you said that

Enjolrass · 01/12/2015 17:42

Also I didn't ask my dad to cancel he offered as it was my first day in my new job

what about your dh/dp?

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/12/2015 17:48

The issue's changed...you didn't mention initially that she's cancelled last minute.

Either way, the situation and solution are the same. You need reliable, planned childcare and she isn't providing it. You'll have to pay.

DonkeyOaty · 01/12/2015 17:50

Lesson learned isn't it. Up hours with childminder from Jan, let MIL be a grandma and see children on her terms. You don't lose face, professionally, your dad won't be scrabbling round rearranging work and your husband will have to flex til Xmas when new CM hours become available.

MrsLupo · 01/12/2015 17:55

if she didn't want them why say you will

You may never know the answer to this so I wouldn't break a sweat trying to figure it out. All you need to know is that, as far as childcare goes, she can't be relied on. Since your parents sound like they have a pretty full dance card themselves, you probably need a more solid childcare arrangement that leaves your parents and MIL for emergencies rather than being the first-line plan. Is that possible financially?

You also need more punctuation.

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