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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To keep this a secret from DSibling

45 replies

Tellornot · 30/11/2015 09:27

NC for this.

DD = DDad
DS = DSibling

My DM died a few years ago. DPs were happy together when she died but before this had a few problems. I think they both had affairs at one point or another. A number of years before DM died my DD had an affair which we all found out about. My DD has now started seeing the OW again. I am not thrilled about it but I know my DM was no angel and that my DPs' relationship was problematic though they loved one another a lot. I don't think the OW was in the picture for a long time before my DM died.

My DS is wonderful but volatile and a bit immature at times. I know DS would go absolutely off the charts angry if DS heard about this. I said this to my DDad when he told me about new relationship with OW and we both said we shouldn't tell DS unless the relationship with OW becomes serious or they decide to move in together or whatever. I don't feel great about keeping this from DS but DS would not handle it well. DS and DDad are close and DS relies heavily on him financially (we are talking gifts in the tens of thousands of pounds over the past few years). It would be awful if they fell out, for the whole family (I have one other DS). I would struggle if we got into a position where I felt I had to take sides as we are a very close family.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 30/11/2015 10:54

I can understand that it's deeply upsetting that your dad had an affair with this OW, and as such that you and your sister are at best ambivalent about her, but he is perfectly within him rights now to see whoever he wants.

I think it is for him to tell (or not) your sister. She doesn't have a say over who he spends time with. I'd let him know that you'll leave it to him to communicate with DSis - you shouldn't be caught in the middle.

catfordbetty · 30/11/2015 10:59

I don't plan on acting as judge & jury re my DPs' marriage

Your instincts are exactly right in this respect. Is there a chance you could get your sibling to see things the same way? Perhaps, with your father's permission, you could try to bring them round.

Enjolrass · 30/11/2015 11:12

The issue here is really the sibling and their reaction to things effecting the whole family.

Your dad can tell who he wants, when he wants.

You are only here asking for advice because you can predict that when the sibling finds out they will also blame you.

Or they could act like an adult accept that while they don't like it, it was your dads decision not to tell them and not blame you.

Everyone seems to be very worried about preempting her dramatics.

Her attitude is the issue

NameChange30 · 30/11/2015 11:15

DF = dear father
DD = dear daughter

#justsaying

MerryMarigold · 30/11/2015 11:18

I don't understand if:

  • Brother doesn't know Dad had an affair with this lady and would be v upset if he found out
  • Brother does know Dad had an affair with this lady, but doesn't know they have rekindled things.

I think it makes a difference. If he never knew about the affair, just let it lie. If he doesn't know Dad is seeing her, that's a different matter, and he needs to be told and then to make his financial bed and lie in it.

Tellornot · 30/11/2015 11:24

Aus and Essential, thanks. Much as I'd love to stay out of it, DDad has told me now. We are a close family and I see or at least speak to DSib a lot. If I don't mention the new relationship I am keeping the secret.

Thanks catford, DSib and I have had conversations about this where I have had to walk away as DSib just can't accept that I won't make judgements about our DPs' marriage. This hasn't happened for a while now and I think the anger DSib felt was part of the grieving process as these conversations happened shortly after our DM's death. Looking for someone or something to blame I think? But that's speculation / amateur psychiatry.

Could try again now things are calmer maybe but I suspect the response might be the same - I hope not. DSib and DDad are genuinely close I think. They spend a lot of time together and communicate a lot. DSib just still feels very hurt and can't get over the affair though it was a long time ago now. I remember DSib being upset finding out about DM's affair too but I think it's, at least partly, because DDad is still here that DSib still gets annoyed with him about it.

OP posts:
Tellornot · 30/11/2015 11:25

Brother does know Dad had an affair with this lady, but doesn't know they have rekindled things.

It's this marigold.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 30/11/2015 11:28

OK, thanks Tell. I think you need to get Ddad to tell him. Why is when he tells him going to make any difference. He is going to be angrier if it's serious and been going on for a year and he didn't know about it.

Tellornot · 30/11/2015 11:33

Oh and thanks Emma, but I have seen DF = Dfiance and Dfriend on here too. That's why I put a MN explanation at the start of the OP - evidently it wasn't clear though. Smile

OP posts:
Tellornot · 30/11/2015 11:34

*put an not MN - does the fact that my phone is autocorrecting to MN mean I spend a bit too much time on here?

OP posts:
Junosmum · 30/11/2015 11:35

It's DDs responsibility to tell people about his relationships and if he doesn't want to do that until he knows how he feels about her then fair enought. YANBU

Tellornot · 30/11/2015 11:48

So just an update. Have told DDad that I'm not happy keeping secrets from DBro but that it is DDad's call and I understand if he doesn't want to tell him. Fence sitting a bit I know.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 30/11/2015 11:53

I think you're doing the right thing OP - there's always a risk in these situations that both sides take out their ire on you instead of dealing with each other, and leaving it with dad to decide sounds sensible.

BollocksToThat1 · 30/11/2015 11:53

Why should any adult tell another adult about their sex lives? It's noones business unless they have a partner.

What your parents did inside their marriage is/was their business not yours or siblings or anyone else.

Just keep it to yourself. It's not your business to spread.

MerryMarigold · 30/11/2015 11:54

Have you spelled out the potential consequences of not telling. Of course it's easier for him not to tell, so he's going to need some persuading. I don't think you need to sit on fence over this issue, though you can be gentle about it, and then you can sit on the fence if it kicks off and leave it to them to battle it out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/11/2015 11:55

Tricky.

I had a friend whose mother died when we were 15 - her father waited a fairly short time before moving in the woman he'd had an affair with, whom he and his wife had nearly split up over, and her daughter, who may or may not have been my friend's half sister, it wasn't clear.
It made her extremely angry (obviously) and she left home as soon as she was able.

I had another friend, whose father left the mother for an OW - he managed to forgive his father, despite being very much a "mother's boy", but his sister never did, because she was as "daddy's girl" and felt as much betrayed as her mother did. She hasn't seen him for years.

So the wounds run very deep and it can be very hard to forgive - up to the person individually. You've managed it, but there is no guarantee your sibling will, and nothing you can do or say is likely to influence it.

However, it needs to be cleared up. Your father can't hide this situation forever; he is entitled to have someone in his life if he chooses, even though it's rather poor taste to pick someone who was a cause of upset to his wife before she died - but he can't control how your sibling will react, and tbf, he may just have to take it on the chin if they go off the wall about it.

As to the money - that's really irrelevant. If your sibling really needs that financial support, then they either have to subjugate their feelings about your father's revived relationship, or find another way to get the funds. Either way, not your problem.

Your only problem is that you are likely to be tarred with the same brush as your father when your sibling finds out that you've been in on the secret and not told them.

So between you, you need to get it sorted soon, and hope that your sibling decides to forgive.

BollocksToThat1 · 30/11/2015 12:08

however it needs to be cleared up

Nonsense.

No one is party to anyone else's marriage apart from the 2 people married.

It's completely none of anyone's business grown up child or not.

I suspect though if your sibling is used to receiving massive cash handouts from your dad she/he will manage to live with the knowledge.

Keep well out of it op.

You sound like the child who tried to please and keep the peace with everybody. I imagine you witnessed strife between your parents and tried up help and now are shielding your siblings.

You look after you for once and let them all sort their lives out by themselves.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/11/2015 12:18

No it really isn't nonsense.

It does need to be sorted, just not by the OP. Her father is the one who needs to sort it.

We're not talking about randoms who have no business knowing the ins and outs of other people's lives and relationships, we're talking about family, on whom those relationships might have some impact.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 30/11/2015 14:13

I agree with Thumb it's not nonsense and it's selfish of the OP's DF to put the OP in this position where the OP is having to lie to a sibling.

OP's DF does need to step up and be honest with everyone. Because, if he doesn't when this all comes out, the sibling is going to feel doubly betrayed (by DF rekindling the affair and OP keeping it a secret). OP's DF should have the courage of his convictions. And tbh if he doesn't then if I were OP, I would tell my sibling (and that's not something I recommend lightly).

Tell sorry I've just realised my use of the word 'enlightened' in my earlier post sounded arsey. I was typing quickly and just meant different siblings do have different relationships with their parents and are also party to witnessing different events, etc, so it's quite common for them to feel differently about certain issues. way too many different/differently s in that sentence Blush

Sansoora · 30/11/2015 15:49

If I don't mention the new relationship I am keeping the secret.

You're dad really does seem like one for a secret.

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