To not want to see DP's family on boxing day?

[sparkofnaturesfire]

DP works a lot and will be working long hours over the Christmas period including Christmas day. We have a toddler and I'm 7mnths pregnant with DC2.

MIL isn't in the best of health and is going through a very difficult time just now with a separate issue. She has no one else close by (apart from us). Me and DC are spending Christmas day with my mum, dad and brother after the rest of my family have visited our house on Christmas morning as is our usual tradition.

As MIL would be on her own my mum invited her to spend Christmas day with us. However now DP's brother and SIL have announced they're coming to have Christmas dinner at MIL's. They live very far away. This means we won't see MIL on Christmas day as none of them drive.

DP is going to try and get boxing day off work so we can have that day as our Christmas day just the 3 of us as he'll be lucky to have more than 1 day off over that period.

I feel that we will have to see them on boxing day since they'll be here and we won't have seen MIL. But I really don't want to. I'm extremely precious about me, DP and DC's family time together since we don't get very much of it and especially at Christmas. We definitely see my family more but that is to do with the fact my family all drive (I don't) and come to us.

SIL has form for organising things to suit them with absolutely no consideration for anyone else's wishes or plans and never ever asks if that's okay with us. It's just expected. Luckily they live so far away that it's not too often but when it is we have to drop everything and rearrange our plans to suit them.

For example, next year we have a family (mine) thing that is a couple of hours from them so we thought we'd visit them for a couple of hours. Now SIL has told us they're coming to us and getting a hotel nearby so they can see us! We're not going for long, it'll be our first family trip with the baby and our DS and now they plan on taking up 2 days of our 4 night stay

AIBU to say we have plans for boxing day or should I just suck it up? DP doesn't want to see them and said to say he's working but I know he'll feel guilty and will probably change his mind. Just now I can't think of any other time we can see them when they're here and also MIL.

I don't get why you are stressing over this if dh is saying he doesn't want to go.

Personally I feel for your mil, she is having a difficult time of it. I am not overly fond of mil, but I would still look to include her.

I wouldn't want my kids not seeing her either.

But if you and your dh are in agreement then that's it really.

You seem to be creating a stressful situation where there doesn't need to be one.

I dont think yabu to want one day just the 3 of you. I think a lot of posters are missing the fact your dh is working Christmas Day so 'your' family time isn't cutting into the limited time you have together. His family want to take literally all of your shared Christmas. Just say no and see his mum another day. She has her daughter for Christmas Day.

Will your MIL be on herown Boxing Day?

If not, could you visit the day after?

Can MIL come to ours on Boxing Day?

Then you are at home and she can chill out?

• not ours - yours. But actually send her to my house, we'll look after her.

i think you'll feel bad and it'll cause resentment if you don't see your DH's family - can you go in the morning, just do presents/coffee etc and have dinner at yours a bit later on, or the other way around, go for a late PM thing at MIL's? I'd give inviting SIL/BIL + MIL to your extended family's house on Christmas day first though, especially if they're all hard up as they may welcome it and then you'd be free boxing day.

AIBU to say we have plans for boxing day... DP doesn't want to see them and said to say he's working

Why is he telling you things to say to HIS mother?

It's not even December yet and I'm already pissed off to the eyeballs with all these threads where women have to do the hard work/give the 'bad' news about Christmas, while the men do... what exactly?

only I don't get this either.

On most of these threads it's simply a case of leaving it to their dh to sort out.

I can't help wonder if some are lazy husbands but some are women putting the pressure to sort it out on themselves and shouldering the guilt.

Tricky but I would make arrangements to go and spend late afternoon and early evening with MIL at hers or at yours. I would have a rest on Boxing Day morning and brunch just you 3 and then be with MIL from 3/4pm. Then you will get alone time and MIL will also get a bit of a rest in the morning but shouldn't feel lonely as she knows she will be with you later on.

OP, a bit of a stab in the dark here. You say you do an awful lot of things for MIL, and BIL and SIL don't. Do you think at the root of it there might be a bit of resentment that you are doing all the hard work and they are swooping in for a jolly at Christmas time and are only there when it's fun?

I can understand you being fed up with that, but at the same time, they can't really change that. They're just too far away and it's hard to uproot an entire family. But if you are financially supporting her BIL should also be contributing if they can afford and I think that DP should take that up with him after Christmas. But I can understand your reluctance to dance attendance on them.

Could you not arrange to spend NY Eve or day with MIL? Have a family meal and maybe exchange presents then?

DP's brother and SIL will be up for a few days over Christmas and staying with MIL during that time so she won't be on her own.

Boxing day will be the only day DP will have off and his shifts will be long and late the rest of the time. I feel obliged to see them on boxing day as DP will be off, they've come a long way and it'll be the only time we can visit. In terms of seeing MIL we can see her any other time DP is off, it's just that it won't be right around Christmas day.

Boxing day was going to be our Christmas day together as for the last 3 years DP has missed Christmas eve, Christmas day etc with us due to him working.

If time was no issue I'd have no concern seeing people whenever but it gets to me that I'm spending the majority of the festive period on my own with DS, looking forward to one day with the 3 of us together for that then to be changed without any consideration of the plans we had already made. And by that I also mean MIL was looking forward to spending Christmas day at my mum's with DS to then be told she was having to host Christmas and have them stay at hers. Yes, it's her son but she finds it difficult.

I guess it should have been 2 AIBU questions!

AIBU to be annoyed at having to change plans at the drop of a hat to suit others with no consideration to any plans we may have had? Probably not.

AIBU to not go to DP's family on boxing day when it's the only day we can and after spending Christmas day at my family's? Yes, IABVU

MIL should just have told other son that she had already made plans. Why didn't she do that?

Well in her defence, I think most people would feel like a spare part at another family's Christmas and welcome having their own.

Well, YANBU to your first point then.

But do suck it up and be the bigger person for her sake- specially as you know she wants to see her GC. You can always spit in your BIL and SILs Bailey's if it'll make you feel better.

I'll go against the majority here and say YANBU. For whatever reason you don't seem to like BIL and SILVER, you've made plans and because of them they've changed. As well as that you're cross because they've put your MIL out as she now has to spend loads of money and host which is probably making you resent giving up time alone with DH and DC even more. Just don't go! And stop letting them dictate what you do and ruin your holidays etc. Tell your DH he needs to tell them you have plans for boxing day and plans for your holiday.

at spitting in their baileys.

DP and her are alike in that they don't like confrontation and would rather keep the peace than risk upsetting anyone even if it means they're put out.

Looks like I need to suck it up then.

There is a backstory with his brother and SIL which probably clouds my judgment tbh!

I don't think that you can expect BIL & SIL to not see MIL because of your plans!

Are you really surprised that MIL has decided to stay in herown house & have her son & DIL visit?

Why do you feel obliged to see BIL & SIL if your husband doesn't?

If he decides he does want to see them, surely you can spare them a couple of hrs after lunch?

"next year we have a family (mine) thing that is a couple of hours from them so we thought we'd visit them for a couple of hours. Now SIL has told us they're coming to us and getting a hotel nearby so they can see us! We're not going for long, it'll be our first family trip with the baby and our DS and now they plan on taking up 2 days of our 4 night stay"

I'm not entirely sure that I understand that. But if you are planning to see your family, then do that. You don't have to see BIL & SIL for any more than the two hours than originally planned unless you have the time to.
It actually seems a nice gesture on their part so that they can have more time with you, especially if it seems to them a trip to visit rather than a holiday iyswim.

But if you can't spare any more time then tell them that & it's up to them to make the journey or not.

Can't you go round in the morning then have the rest of your day to yourself?

its only christmas,go ans spend time with your MIL on boxing day

you have the other 364 days to spend with your dp and dc's

cant wait to be somebody's MIL NOT it seems it's akin to a second class citizen sometimes