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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset

50 replies

NoSmileToday · 25/11/2015 07:24

Over a FB post?

NC as this is very identifiable.

My FIL died yesterday. He was a wonderful man.

His niece posted a picture on FB last night of FIL and in the same post their family dog. The heading was, the world lost two great hearts today joe blogs and Fido the dog.

AIBU to be upset the my FILs death is being put in the same context as the family dog ( not his dog it was his nieces dog)?

OP posts:

catfordbetty · 25/11/2015 08:15

In the OP's situation my reaction would depend on what I ordinarily thought of my niece. If I generally found her rather superficial or thoughtless I might be offended by her fb post.

maybebabybee · 25/11/2015 08:39

sorry for your loss OP

again in the nicest way, yabu. I was genuinely more gutted when my dog died than when my grandfather died. It really depends on the person in question and how close you were I think.

Original poster

NoSmileToday · 25/11/2015 08:42

Not drip feeding but you are nearly right cat they care very much that they are the first to post on FB about everything. I don't like that side of the family very much which is tainting my reaction massively.

OP posts:

GruntledOne · 25/11/2015 08:43

I'm sorry about your FIL, but really, Facebook is utterly trivial and not worth getting upset over.

WeirdCatLadyIsFeelingFestive · 25/11/2015 08:43

YANBU to be upset OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

But you are being VVU to condemn her for this. I'd be sad if my uncle died but not gutted. If my dog died, I'd be heartbroken. You don't get to dictate what she feels, just like she doesn't get to dictate to you. It's her FB and she can post whatever she wants to. she is grieving for two losses, you don't get to tell her which is more important.

Enjolrass · 25/11/2015 08:45

So your dislike of her is leading you to feel it's reasonable to judge how she grieves?

That's still unreasonable.

So what if they put stuff on FB? Hide them or unfriend them. I don't really know how Facebook works, although I have it.

Original poster

NoSmileToday · 25/11/2015 08:52

Don't get me wrong I accept I am being unreasonable to be upset by it I have hidden the post and will not give it another thought.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/11/2015 09:01

You're getting a rough ride here. I think yabu but some of the comme rd here are unnecessarily nasty. Sorry for your loss OP.

Enjolrass · 25/11/2015 09:03

I think that's the best idea OP, just hide and concentrate on the more important things.

Original poster

NoSmileToday · 25/11/2015 09:06

Thank you paul. It's the risk you run on AIBU and I know that you are never allowed to say anything negative about dogs on here . It is the nastier end of the topics and I knew that when I posted. Most posters have been lovely and managed to say IABU without being mean about it.

OP posts:

bumbleymummy · 25/11/2015 09:10

YANBU to be upset. You can't help how you feel. She obviously feels very upset about the loss of their pet as well though and I don't think she would have meant it in an offensive way. sorry for your loss

Enkopkaffetak · 25/11/2015 09:11

Op I lost my mother in May this year and frankly every single facebook post about it I found upsetting.. Even though I knew they were not meant to be. I just didn't want to see it there in writing. it was hard enough for me to deal with I didn't wish for someone else to write about it.. Made it so harsh to see it there in words you know?

So no YANBU however neither is his niece. Just make sure you give yourself some space to be good to yourself this next few weeks are so hard.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/11/2015 09:12

You're talking about a bereavement though, people should adjust their attitudes. You're right about the dog love though.

Original poster

NoSmileToday · 25/11/2015 09:14

dog love made me laugh!

OP posts:

PatricianOfAnkhMorpork · 25/11/2015 09:16

I'd be pissed off with that too so YANBU for me.

I've wept buckets over my pets over the years but this sort of thing feels so wrong to me.

Thinking about it those friends and family that are always the first to tweet/post on FB have become the very last people that I give any news to now.

BillBrysonsBeard · 25/11/2015 09:20

I think YABU but I lost my dad this year and grief makes you very sensitive in the following weeks. You don't deserve the harsh replies, you've just lost someone close to you! Sorry for your loss OP

Focusfocus · 25/11/2015 09:24

I don't get this kind of a mindset. I lost my grandmother (she raised me, was a other figure, far far more important to me than my mother, the person I still love the most) - and my pet dog at the same time. The indescribable grief of two completely different kinds- each made the other hurt more.

I wouldn't have posted that on FB - not because it's inappropriate (it isn't for anyone else to judge!!!) but because FB and the world is full of people who have decided for everyone else that humans outrank dogs or other animals.

I nowadays tend to only talk about my pets (happy or sad things) only with those who are completely like minded. Since FB doesn't present that guarantee, I don't talk about them on FB.

But if there were to be a hierarchy of humans and animals in general, in my eyes, animals would always win hands down. Open up the newspapers and you'll see what wonderful crap humans are achieving in a daily basis.

Original poster

NoSmileToday · 25/11/2015 09:29

I don't get this kind of a mindset.

I agree. I love dogs and own two but I could never liken the death of someone I loved to the death of a pet. I suppose it is very much everyone is different.

Yes there are many bad humans in the world however my FIL was not one of them. He was an amazing man.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 25/11/2015 09:38

He was amazing to you and from the sounds of it you were really close. It must be so sad for you to lose him.

But in the nicest possible way you don't know that your niece had the same relationship with him. She might not be so upset as you.

LatinForTelly · 25/11/2015 09:39

YANBU, OP. It's insensitive at best. I'm sorry for your loss.

rogueantimatter · 25/11/2015 09:44

I'm sure I'd feel the same as you NoSmile.

Would it be helpful to think of her post as meaning something along the lines of, ' As if it isn't sad enough that Uncle has passed away, to make matters even worse my pet dog has died today too?'

As pps have said, fb is a very blunt tool for expressing things.

You're bound to be feeling things extra strongly, so soon after a loss so surround yourself with uplifting and gentle things.

Very sorry for your loss.

Enjolrass · 25/11/2015 09:45

She didn't liken the deaths though.

Your OP said The heading was, the world lost two great hearts today joe blogs and Fido the dog.

Two beings she loved, died yesterday. Both had big hearts.

She didn't say one was more important than the other. Not did she say she expects people to care about the dog as much as the care about fil.

BeanGirls · 25/11/2015 09:54

She has had two losses in one day. It's her Facebook page, it's about her and her losses so YABU

Saying that I do hate Facebook memorials. But that's not what the thread was about.

Original poster

NoSmileToday · 25/11/2015 10:02

That is a better way of looking at it rogue

OP posts:

rogueantimatter · 25/11/2015 11:51

Also, your niece is probably feeling the loss of her pet very strongly at the moment, as the dog is now more noticeably not round the house, looking up at her with its big eyes etc. With adults who you don't see on a daily basis it sometimes takes longer for their death to really, properly sink in.

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