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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis seems offended I can't stay at hers for whole weekend

53 replies

IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 24/11/2015 20:18

Was meant to go and stay with dsis for the weekend.

Think she expected me to come fri night until mon morning but have found out I have interview for a voluntary position on the Saturday, which I am reluctant to miss.

She seemed a bit upset when I spoke to her about it and said I could now only come on sat eve until mon morn. Also arranged to meet a friend while in the area.

I know weekends are precious to her and her dp so purposely tried not to stay whole weekend. Has massively backfired though, I've upset her and feel awful Sad

How can I make it better?

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 25/11/2015 08:06

Lots of people pre-book long weekends away to see family! Not necessarily from Friday to Monday but certainly from Friday night - Sunday night. If this has been planned for a while I can totally understand why OP's DSIS is annoyed that it's all been changed and she's the one missing out.

bluebolt · 25/11/2015 08:16

What we do not know is what the sister could of done on this Friday night had her sister cancelled earlier. A decade ago Friday's and Saturdays where precious to me especially this time of year. She may have said no to an event she would of love to have gone to. I would not be angry but I could of easily been upset at what I could of been doing.

Trills · 25/11/2015 08:20

You say you think she expected you to be there Fri - Mon.

Did she expect that because that's what you arranged?
Or did you say you'd "come for the weekend" while being a bit vague about the details?

If the former, she's not wrong to be disappointed that you are changing plans.

If the latter - be more specific when you arrange things.

For her birthday treat I think you need to have one full day that is just to do things with her - that'll have to be the Sunday. If you can meet your friends for a little bit on the Sat or the Mon, try to do that.

If you meet up with your friends on the only whole day you are there, your sister might feel like a convenient hotel rather than like the reason for your trip.

rollonthesummer · 25/11/2015 08:25

If you are flexible, as you say- wouldn't you rearrange the interview for the volunteering to a day when you hadn't already got plans?

diddl · 25/11/2015 08:27

"A quick coffee is different though, she's talking about meeting up after the 'birthday treat'"

Yes, & then being with hersister again.

Perhaps better if she met her friend before the birthday thing?

Or cancelled this time due to shortened visit.

But I mean in principle I can't see a problem with taking a couple of hrs out to visit a friend whilst staying with sister.

Although OP, just talk to yoursister!

You also put that you tried not to stay the whole weekend-but maybe that's what she wants!

middlings · 25/11/2015 08:59

Cancel your friend. You're there to spend time with your sister. I think I'd be put out if my sister did this to me on a weekend that's supposed to be about a treat.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 25/11/2015 11:29

YANBU mostly - I just think you went about it the wrong way.

If you'd said to DSis, "Looking forward to the weekend! Oh also, do you mind if at some point I pop to meet Jane for a coffee? I've not seen her in ages and it makes sense while I'm in the area. You could come too if you fancy it."

Instead she probably feels as though you are using her as a casual base to see other people rather than visiting her exclusively for a weekend of quality time. In this situation I would definitely postpone the coffee just to keep DSis sweet and so as not to spoil the weekend -- then next time give her more advance notice.

BarbarianMum · 25/11/2015 11:42

My sister does this all the time. Arranges to see us then shoehorns in a load more stuff she needs to do and arrives late. Basically I'm a handy hotel and a free meal and, if she's lucky, a trip to B&Q. I tolerate it because it gets the cousins together and I do love her, but it does make e feel used.

Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 16:32

I know I should cancel friend but don't feel I can now it's all been arranged! Shit. She can't see me at any other time either Sad

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 25/11/2015 16:36

Of course you can, if she's a good friend.

You 'Hi Friend, sorry but i'm going to have to bail on our coffee on x day - my weekend with my sister is being cut short because of an interview and so I won't have time to meet up with you. Talk to you soon to arrange something else, Turtle x'.

How hard can that be?

Euripidesralph · 25/11/2015 16:39

So you don't feel you can cancel on friend but didn't hesitate to change plans on dsis.... This may explain why she snarky about your behaviour

Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 16:39

Yes thanks alibabs, I'm not trying to be difficult, I just feel like that will piss off two people. Coffee will literally take an hour as ill be in town with my dsis anyway (her bday treat is a meal in a posh restaurant)

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 25/11/2015 16:40

Sorry but I would be upset about the friend thing!

Are you travelling together to the birthday treat? Will this mean her going back home without you?

I'd feel a bit like an afterthought (even if it was really the other way around).

I'm a controlling big sister though so take my view with a pinch of salt by all means

Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 16:41

I do feel guilty for the arrangements but I'm not sure it's the coffee that's the problem. Dsis just assumed I would be here with her for the whole weekend, I assumed it would be for the day... Charity interview cannot be rearranged as the next one is in March 2016. I actually wish dsis was slightly more understanding, I'm doing my best to get there at a reasonable time and she sounded very flat and annoyed when we spoke on the phone

OP posts:
Zucker · 25/11/2015 16:43

How will it all work out? Dinner with sister in fancy restaurant, say bye bye to sister and meet friend. Sister heads home, breaking up any fun you may be having and you join later? All sounds a bit blah for her really. I'd cancel the friend and make the day/evening of it with sister.

Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 16:43

I haven't seen a single friend for 6 months (they all live in dsis' city) and was hoping just to catchup. If dsis had made similar arrangements she wouldn't think twice about it. Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 16:45

Zucker - I'll spend all morning and afternoon with sister. Well go to restaurant for a couple of hours, have a massive catchup, I'll meet friend for coffee nearby. Dsis can either come too, stay in town for Xmas shopping or head home. I'll meet her wherever she wants in an hour or two

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 16:45

And spend the eve with her

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 25/11/2015 16:46

I would say it would be better to see the friend on your way home. Would that work?

Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 16:48

Thanks fastday unfortunately I really can't cos she's at work :(

OP posts:
averythinline · 25/11/2015 18:03

I think you are being rude...and "dsis can come if she wants" thats big of you...she can sit there whilst you catch up with a friend you've not seen for months.....I'd be cross as well if I was your sister...

different if you'd said when arranging " i'll try and catch up with friend as well or something like that whilst i'm in the city" but you are changing the feel of the weekend from lets have treat weekend together" to "I can squeeze you in between x and y ...."

I would call friend and say on reflection its not going to work and arrange to meet up with her another time...

nothing wrong with maximising time in a place but not after the arrangements have been made..

Euripidesralph · 25/11/2015 18:15

Sooo basically you aren't prepared to change your plans or accept you may be wrong you just want dsis to be more chirpy about it on the phone?

Okey dokey I'm off ski

lushaliciousbob · 25/11/2015 18:53

YANBU op. You can't help that things come up. Fair enough if you were cancelling the whole weekend, but you aren't. You're coming straight after the interview. Gosh, I'm a girl and I've two brothers. Maybe I'm just laid back, but we wouldn't think twice about meeting a friend the same weekend as visiting each other. An hours coffee really is nothing! OP. go this weekend and have a fab time. Don't cancel on friends.

VenusRising · 25/11/2015 19:02

Awkward, do whatever you want.
You're staying with your sis, but make other arrangements if its easier.
She's your sister not your boss, or the thought police. She knows you haven't seen your friend for six months, what kind of sister wouldn't want you to see a friend?

I think you should leave all arrangements in place, and if your sister can't accecpt that you're doing an interview, and want to catch up on an old friend, and feels miffed you're not spending all the whole day adoring her, well she should grow up a bit?

You are after all going for her birthday bash and staying over.

Is she six?

Original poster
IAmAnAwkwardTurtle · 25/11/2015 19:11

Thanks, yeah, that's how I felt but now am doubting myself. Am staying at hers two nights and spending a whole day at hers.

I'm not sure if this is relevant at all but she is one of those who brings her dp everywhere (which I don't mind because I like him) and I have never once said a word. It's not the same but I find it a little galling that she is being a bit sulky about my weekend plans when she would think nothing of prioritising him over seeing me. just find it a tad rich that she has no problem making me feel guilty about something relatively out of my control when I would never make her feel guilty for behaving in a way that suits her

Swings and roundabouts! Smile

OP posts:
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