to not let DD give out Christmas cards?

[MandSPressedApple]

I am finding this stage far too difficult.

All of the Y6 girls are outrageous atm. There are squabbles and tears constantly and there is a core group of them which are all at it, including my DD.

A big hoo-haa is currently being made over worry boxes and all of these ridiculous friendship dramas. This has got suckered into Christmas and tonight she was sitting writing out cards with glitter, stickers, long elaborate messages about BFFs etc etc. I then heard her on the phone to someone about giving them out publicly and leaving someone else out.

The phone call was interrupted pronto. I am so, so disappointed in her and really finding it hard to like her atm :( I have confiscated the cards and read her the riot act. Actually I was a bit more abrupt than I would have liked, but nothing is getting through to her :(

It might be worth asking how the school handle Christmas cards. Both schools the girls have attended have a postbox. All cards go in the box. Which is emptied once / twice a week (by year 6 being rewarded for responsible behaviour). The cards are delivered to classrooms to go in school bags at the end of the day. It would stop 'displays' of how many cards / who they've gone to etc. It's a bit of organising, but saves a lot of time in class (opening cards in class time is banned, cards on playground are taken away by staff until the end of the day).
Very few dramas over cards.

Well done! :)

While what she did is disappointing, I'd keep it in perspective.

She's 10/11, and still needs adult guidance on how to act. Thinking outside herself is not going to come naturally to her until she's out of her teen years. The extent of her reasoning is most likely "I don't like X, to show X I don't like her, I'm not giving her a card", without understand the gravity of how it feels to actually be excluded like that. Unless you were the "weird kid" most kids don't know that feeling.

I was around the same age and there was a girl I didn't like, because she was annoying (for whatever reason 10 year olds are annoying to other 10 year olds). My friends and I thought it would be funny to run away from her whenever she walked up to us. We'd run, she'd come up, we'd run again. We thought it was funny. Until we were all collectively ripped a new one from parents and teachers when she told on us. But from my vantage point, I just thought it was funny and didn't like her anyway, how bad it would make her feel never even crossed my mind. Even after we were told to cut it out, I resented her and still didn't understand why I had to include someone I didn't like. Some things, kids don't get until they're older, but it's still important to teach them that some behavior is unacceptable regardless of their own feelings on the matter.

I turned out to be a relatively decent adult. I make sure that everyone in our friend's group gets a text if we're going out somewhere so they're not excluded. When I was at work I made sure to at least say hi to coworkers sitting alone at tables and make chit chat even though they probably secretly wanted to be left alone now that I think about it. Kids grow up.

Your daughter will turn out fine. You're doing a good job teaching her excluding people is not on, especially around Christmas when you're suppose to be extra nice. But keep it in perspective and understand she's still a kid who isn't thinking outside herself and the gravity her actions have on others yet.

You did exactly the right thing. My mum always made me do a card for everyone, even "smelly Darren" (my words) and "horrible Susie" (my words)

I am absolutely certain that I was horrible at times as a child and yet now as an adult I am very nice, never leave anyone out and wouldn't dream of judging someone on their clothes, cleanliness or anything else.

So don't worry too much, just keep up the modelling of nice behaviour and it will almost certainly sink in.

I think you've done the right thing and, like you, I'd be mortified if my child was doing this. :(

DS1 is nearly 8, and he is pretty good but every now and then I have to remind him about stuff like this, by asking him how it would feel if he was on the receiving end of it. Currently he is not at an age where he would mutter "wouldn't care", he does care and would feel it, so he understands and then changes what he was thinking of doing.

But I'm sure it will change; and I'm equally sure that DS2 is going to be more of a problem in this sort of situation - he's a very different prospect!

YANBU and well done

I know from experience that it's bloody hard when your child is being unpleasant to others - it goes against all the values you have taught them. I've had this once with each child - not systematic bullying, thank goodness, but some specific lowish-level unpleasantness - and I felt it important to come down on it hard to show them that there are things I won't tolerate (obv explaining/having a serious chat too). It would be too easy to go into denial mode, but I knew I mustn't. They took it to heart and it sorted the problem. Your dd hopefully won't forget this lesson in a hurry.

I should add that I was bullied viciously at school for years, by naice middle-class children, and so this sort of thing pushes every one of my buttons - and means I know how ineffectual some parents can be, presumably because they don't want to face up to their child being capable of that. But if a child isn't shown the error of their ways it can get a lot worse.

She is not planning to give them out already, is she?

How sad, girls are unkind at times!

I'd definitely tell her she's not sending them. It seems to take all the sentiment and thought out of the work she's put in if she's doing it to leave someone out? Maybe it will help her to realise the importance of kindness and friendship.

Well done, OP. I am dreading this stage when it comes!