I think I am being unreasonable in my expectations and would really appreciate some perspective.
A bit of background- my mum to my mind was irresponsible during my younger childhood. She drank heavily, and we lived in a violent and unpredictable home. The violence was mostly between her and my dad, but it was traumatising and I was left to pick up the pieces of her being drunk and unconscious from a young age.
In middle childhood I was extremely anxious and she confided very adult things to me about her sex life (she would often talk about my father's impotence and possible homosexuality) and she would often lose her temper and have terrifying fits of rage- in the car, at home etc. At other times she was loving but I honestly can't remember her doing things with me I would have enjoyed- reading to me, snuggled up in bed, playing with me, arranging times to see my friends and so on. Now I have my own children , and make such an effort to ask them what they like and makes them happy and I do it, I feel somewhat cheated I suppose. I didn't enjoy my childhood, it was a horrible time and I can't let it go and I'm increasingly cross with dm for what I now perceive as huge selfishness at not putting her kids first. I felt very unprotected and vulnerable as a child.
Now as an adult I have a good relationship with her at times and at others I think she is vey difficult and unpleasant to me. I have been unable to do more than answer the occasional text following a lunch at hers where I came down very suddenly with a sickness bug, and she was furious at having to entertain my two children (only other people there was my brother and his partner) while I was literally vomiting repeatedly. She then called ds who is 5 spoilt and bad mannered and should be quiet when adults are quiet. He's really not that bad- just a little boy who is learning what's expected of him. She refused to serve the cake as a result, shut him out of the kitchen when she was tidying as she didn't want to hear his incessant chatter.
I then felt we had to leave as my ds was very sad and despite being sick all down myself on the motor way. I was very upset by this. A month or so later, dhs back had gone and I had this sickness bug again. We just couldn't look after our younger child. I called my mum and said look please could you come over we are desperate for help - and she said no, I've got tickets for spectre. I was absolutely disgusted- I cannot imagine my daughter calling me up asking for my help and me responding like that.
On top of this she has come into very large sums of money over the past few years, and spent this on cruises, new cars, new kitchen etc. We rent and she makes constant comments but never offered to help with a deposit.
Is this a generational thing? Was parenting a lot less child focused in the 70s and 80s? Would others help out or am I expecting too much? Its her money to do what she likes with right? Please help me get some perspective.