Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is this a non-issue or not?

47 replies

Fugghetaboutit · 20/11/2015 14:23

This isn't a MIL thing btw but it's been brought to my attention due to her.
My ds isn't keen on his grandma - my H's mum as she is quite overbearing obsessed towards him.

When she comes over she keeps wanting cuddles and kisses and he will sometimes say he doesn't want to so she will threaten with 'no Christmas presents' so he'll then hug her. She called to talk to him yesterday and said 'Say hello! And he said no I don't want to so she again said if he was a good boy he would so he did.

Wwyd? He's nearly 3 btw so still little.

I strongly believe children should learn about body autonomy and that they shouldn't do things that make them feel uncomfortable.

Should I say something next time like 'ds, do you want to hug/kiss grandma?' If he says no, I'll say ok that's fine then, you don't have to.

Also, when she first arrives, he always says hello and gives a hug but she wants more during the period she's there.

Thanks.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 20/11/2015 18:36

I can't see in a million years someone of this generation working out they may be doing something wrong - or what they could possibly be doing wrong. They'd never ever get it.

If they did ever 'get it' that what they are doing is considered offensive and inappropriate my guess is the shock and deep hurt would be immense for someone of this generation.

Hence very, very kindly indeed explaining to lovely, engaged grandma the whole thing about body autonomy and the sort of thing you're working on with ds. Or lie and say he is shy, you have to go very slowly with him, he's not a great hugger. And when she calls, yes, he says hello out of respect for his grandma, whether he feels like it or not.

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 20/11/2015 18:38

One thing: he always is made to say hello to any guest who comes in our house. He's very polite with please and thank yous already which makes me beam with pride because I wasn't very forceful at instilling it in him, it just came naturally.

When she called, it was on the phone the day after all the hugging.

After the forceful hugging he actually got angry at her and kept hitting her which is very unlike him. I of course told him off but he was obviously upset. His speech is quite poor.

I will be direct with her next time. It's a tricky thing when it isn't your relative. H wouldn't say anything so I'll have to be the one.

Thanks for advice, I'm glad I wasn't being U

OP posts:

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 20/11/2015 18:40

Also, I think another reason he's not keen on her is she's on his case a lot - commenting on everything; 'oh don't do that!' 'Come and do this' 'if you touch that it'll break' etc etc just constantly whereas he's used to just being left to what he's doing most of the time as he's well behaved.

She's only 50 btw.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 20/11/2015 18:53

I was always made to hug and kiss my GF's best friend. I didn't like him (He wasn't pervy or anything, just not a very nice man). When I was 13, I decided I was going to stop doing it. Twenty years later and we STILL go through a performance of him trying to get me to kiss his cheek. Last time I saw him, he grabbed my hand and physically pulled me towards him. FFS, I'm in my thirties!

Your son should stick to his guns :)

Andrewofgg · 20/11/2015 19:26

I have been the father who told MIL to lay off if DS did not want to be kissed (and irritating as she was I have to say she accepted it with a good grace) and also the child who refused to be kissed and if it upset "Auntie" - in fact not a relative - that was JTB. My father stood up for me and too no nonsense about it.

You and DH should tackle her together and say that your rule is that he doesn't have to let anyone kiss him or cuddle him if doesn't want to - it's not just her. As for being "on his case" you've got to fight that in his presence:

He can if he wants
He's busy at the moment

or as the case needs.

RaspberryOverload · 20/11/2015 19:35

All that's required is a quiet word to grandma that DS doesn't feel like hugs at the moment and not to force it, would suffice.

As the grandma is already using emotional blackmail to get her way, then there's a good chance she'll just be dismissive about this, and still try to insist on getting what she wants, ie the hugs, etc.

But I never forced my DCs to hug or kiss when they didn't want to. In fact, they both went through phases of not wantint to hug, etc, and for a while, DS in particular was just happy to bump fists with my dad instead. It's now their thing

springydaffs · 20/11/2015 20:25

Not a relative? If you're married (?) she is a relative.

Posters are assuming tthere are enlightened, intelligent people about, at least with the exact-same values as us. There so aren't. So what she badgers him, accept her, she's his grandma, that's her way.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 20/11/2015 20:37

People who have aunties who aren't relatives, by marriage or otherwise, as close family friends sometimes get given aunty and uncle labels.

VelvetSpoon · 20/11/2015 20:48

I was a very non huggy child. I would have cuddles from my mum, but no-one else really, not even my Dad. I'm still not great at being hugged, although I have always cuddled my DC, even now they are strapping teens.

So I can understand if a child doesn't really like much contact...but in other situations I find it a bit sad - visiting friends recently who have young DC, their granny was there too. DC came over and gave me a hug, despite not knowing me that well. I said 'Oh have you got a hug for granny too?' DC said an emphatic 'NO' even when granny said please.

I felt really sorry for her, and I think if that had been my child, I would have encouraged a hug rather than just not getting involved.

springydaffs · 20/11/2015 20:53

You don't like this woman do you op.

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 20/11/2015 21:06

Springy - not a relative as in my mother or father or sister, she's an in law so a relative by marriage not blood. What I meant was if it was my own mother I wouldn't hesitate to say 'no mum he doesn't want to' and not feel bad.

When it's your H's mum you don't want to offend but you also want to stand up for your baby, don't you. His face when he was hugging her was quite sad and what made me write this as I don't want to see that him make that face again tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 20/11/2015 21:07

I don't dislike her. She is obsessed with ds but I know it's out of love and she always picks stuff up for him and buys me little things which is really nice. She has some MH issues so I feel for her too as her kids aren't close to her and find her irritating. It's v complicated; not the usually granny and kids set up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 20/11/2015 21:09

Velvet if they hug her when she first comes then no I don't feel sorry for old granny tbh. I feel more sorry for children who are forced to do something or are guilt tripped over it. Adults have more of a handle over emotions. Nearly 3 year olds don't.

OP posts:

mintoil · 20/11/2015 21:14

I think it is absolutely horrible for Gran to threaten DS with no Santa if he won't hug her.

I agree totally he should have body autonomy and it is important that children are reassured that it's not OK for people to threaten them if they won't allow them to touch them.

It's pretty basic to be honest - and DH should be doing the telling OP.

Euripidesralph · 20/11/2015 21:16

This came up as an issue with both our families.... I'm a huge believer in body autonomy as well as this being a positive anti- abuse tactic.

Both sides had an issue and tried to push it and both got heavily shutdown as until my DS can comfortably defend himself then it's my job

My mother did pull the guilt trip and much as I love her she wouldn't get it until I publicly shut her down (I said "no he doesn't have to hug / kiss whatever if he chooses not to , stop guilt tripping him and going on about it it's inappropriate " since then she hasn't been too bad the twice she tried anything I glared and she instantly apologised

My mil complained but I went nc with her for a variety of issues

But interestingly a couple of in law cousins who were initially dismissive have now started operating the same rules.... They have commented on fb posts about the issues that they are proponents of bodily autonomy so hahahaha mother in law

Shut her down op until DS is old enough and 3 isn't old enough

CFSsucks · 20/11/2015 22:42

YANBU OP, children are not stupid and the more she tries to push her overbearing self on your DS, the more he will shy/keep away from her. Children should absolutely have the right to not hug or kiss anyone they don't want to. Always.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2015 01:06

I wonder how these same people who insist on children hugging and kissing would feel if someone, say a partner or friend, absolutely insisted that they kiss and hug someone they didn't want to. If their DP insisted, for instance, that they kiss their mates every time they came by or if a friend insisted that they kiss her DH hello/goodbye, even if they really didn't want to kiss Bob.

I'm sure they'd be posting 'AIBU to tell DP/friend to piss off, that I don't want to kiss or hug their friend/partner hello when we see them'.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2015 01:07

Bob? Who the hell is Bob!!!??

THEM! fucking autocorrect

Wolfie2 · 21/11/2015 01:10

Can you just say 'oh DS's isn't in the mood for it right now but I'm sure he will be later'

Baconyum · 21/11/2015 01:31

Survivor of CSA and have also worked in cp and have friends who are survivors.

Lots of abusers start grooming when children are very young.

Ime children who've been forced to ignore their own instincts are definitely more vulnerable to abusers.

Would you want that on your conscience Tiffany?

OP you're ABSOLUTELY right. And as with most Mil issues your dh needs to stand up and be counted! If grandma went to spank your DS would he say nothing? Imho just as harmful especially with the presents threat (vile thing to do to a 3 yr old)

Shelby2010 · 21/11/2015 01:57

I agree with previous posters that you need to stick up for your DS on this one. Why don't you teach him to blow kisses to her? I found it very useful for my DC as a way they could show affection/good manners without having to get too close if they didn't want to. In fact if your MIL is a bit of a special snowflake, then call them 'special Granny kisses' & 'see if Granny can catch your kisses', hopefully DS will find it a fun game & MIL will be distracted.

Euripidesralph · 21/11/2015 08:18

Just a note where pps are saying either... just accept it's the way she is or that poor granny must be so sad.... what you're actually communicating to your child by saying that is that their feelings are less important than granny's ..... I'm really as far away from being crunchy and right on but this whole granny's feelings must be protected is wrong

I understand she has mh issues but kids will remember being told to override their own instincts in favour of another's needs..... that's unbelievably unhealthy even where there is no abuse

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread