... Sister in law. Help please.

[Retsina]

Hi, first time on here so please excuse if I don't use correct abbreviations. I will try to keep this as brief as possible......
With DP for 15 years. He has 2 sisters, younger one widowed, eldest married. Both sisters heavily involved with Scientology until approx. 4 years ago when younger sister managed to disentangle herself. She has always been a victim, was widowed at a young age and has never found it easy coping with real life. Eldest sister very heavily involved with Scientology for 20+ years and until March 2014 lived with her complete Scientology nutter husband in Dubai, living the dream apparently. Eldest sister came back to UK in March 2014 because of her terrible health problems (bad back) which she couldn't get resolved in Dubai and she has been living with younger sister since then. It actually turns out that they haven't got a pot to piss in as they've given it all away to Scientology.
My partner and I have had little contact over the years with eldest sister because of her Scientology involvement - her nutty husband and Scientology mates were always more important than her family. My partners mum has no time for her.
At the end of November last year 2014 my DP was diagnosed with lung cancer. He is 52. The first we knew was that he had a brain tumor which had spread from his lung. He had brain surgery to remove the tumor on 1 December, then between January and July this year he had radiotherapy on his brain then chemo . All was positive at first, the tumors were stable or reducing. In July he was scanned and scans showed growth in all tumors and spread to adrenal glands.
All though this period there was minimal contact with youngest sister, she simply could not cope with his diagnosis and seems to have had some sort of breakdown. There has been no contact from eldest sister apart from a couple of phone calls.
In August and September DP jumped through all the necessary hoops to get onto a clinical trial. He had one treatment under the trial then got a bad chest infection and was hospitalised. He was scanned again and scans showed further spread to spine, ribs and liver. Cancer is also now pressing on his laryngeal nerve which has reduced his voice to a whispery growl. Two weeks ago Oncologists said DP not well enough and spread of cancer too great to continue trial so no further treatment is available and DP now classed as terminal and has been referred to a hospice for community care.
All of a sudden, eldest sister wants to know what's going on and wants to visit him. We received a letter from her 2 days ago saying that she hadn't been in touch because she's been told to leave it until DP was ready to be in touch (not true) and she is 'very proud' of the way I've been coping with everything. If she had said that to me in person I would have punched her effin face! I was furious and phoned her, really lost my temper and a few home truths came out. DP then spoke to her as best he could, she was shocked that his voice was so weak. Eventually she started crying, I think the penny has finally dropped.
DP's mum (who we see and have regular contact with, no problem there) is coming to visit next week with youngers sister. Eldest sister wants to come too but she is not welcome by either DP or myself.
What I wanted advice on please is how do I deal with this from now on... even if DP and I have no contact with her no doubt she will insist on turning up at his funeral (we have to face facts :-( )and I don't want any scenes there.
Thank you, sorry this ended up being so long!

So sorry to hear about the awful time you and your dp are having

I lost my dad this week. He died of bowel cancer and we have watched him suffer and waste away over the past 2 years. Similar to your situation, we have had family, (2 cousins in particular,) who haven't bothered with my dad at all in the past 2 years...not a phone call, card or visit. And yet when my dad slipped into a comatose state last week, they practically camped out at the hospice, weeping and wailing. I was furious and felt like they were just there for the drama of it all.

I don't have any advice to offer you. I bit my tongue and tolerated my cousins, and when they got too much and really starting annoying me, I simply said to them that I'd like to be left alone with my dad. Luckily, whenever I said this to them, they respected it and went home...but still turned up again the next day.

Good luck in deciding how you're going to deal with this situation.

That is a really difficult and sad situation OP. I really feel for you. Just keep in mind that your SIL is in a cult. She may be starting to see that it isn't the way to live but it's not the sort of thing that you can just walk away from easily. Your DP and sister will have memories and shared experiences from childhood and as your DP's condition is now terminal she may just be reaching out before it's too late. I can't imagine how you are feeling but I think you need to remember they have a past which goes back longer than the scientology. She will still grieve and need to say goodbye.

Thinking of you all.

I really hate ghouls, so many of them in our family, all picking over the drama and the need to know everything so they can be the one to pass on the gory details. But I do think she has a right to say goodbye, they are family BUT you and DP have the control here, you can say when and for how long, you can say if it Its getting too much for either of you and essentially you can send her away if she upsets either of you. This is your time and don't let anyone detract from each other, you can say at any time, this is too much leave me alone.

People say stupid things her 'proud comment' may have come across wrong. But I'm glad you put her straight.

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry and I'm thinking of you.

I'm so sorry

What an awful situation, as if your dp suffering so grievously wasn't enough.

Do whatever you need to do, it won't be wrong. Tell elder sis to take a running jump if that's how you both feel, tell her to stay in a hotel or to stay away and never darken your door. I think whatever you do under the circumstances will be understandable at least.

What about long term though? How would you like things to be between you and MIL, you and younger sis, you and elder sis?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through Retsina. My dear husband died from cancer in March and I had similar family problems. My nephews and nieces live with me and were very concerned about their father or mother creating a scene at my DH funeral. As a result I couldn't let the children's GPs or paternal aunts/uncles know when my DH died, in case it was carried back to him. The boys would occasionally see their M and, in 2 years, never told her about my DH. Although we have no relationship with their F, we got on well enough with their paternal family. It did cause some upset within their paternal family, but you know what? Our little family's security and time together was the most important thing.

I would be concerned that you dp's sister is going to try to manipulate the situation is some way, you've already said she has no money. If your DP is not definite about seeing her, you could tell her she could write a letter to him. I strongly recommend that you read it before giving it to him. You should be able to pick up on any manipulation, between the lines. Please put your DP and your needs to the top of the list. I swore I would when the time came, but unfortunately we didn't get to spend the time, we should have, together. My DP's family are lovely but they still encroached on things they shouldn't have. You will never get another chance to spend this time with your DP or give him the funeral you want so take your time on making decisions. I'm so sad for you and your dear partner, Retsina.

I'm so sorry to read this op

The most important thing is your dp and you - your combined feelings are paramount in all of this. If that means telling the elder sister to sod off then so be it. I think you need to make sure that mil and younger sister are in the loop and know that you do not wish to see her.

Of course things may change, but at the moment she needs to be told to back off.

Is there any way you and DH can draft some sort of letter or email to express your wishes and send it to eldest sister? Perhaps something that says 'not now, we'll let you know if and/or when' as far as visits? And is there anyone (other than MiL) who could run interference for you with returning phone calls or be at your house if she just announces she coming? Perhaps one of your siblings or friends?

I don't know anything about Scientology and 'end of life' issues. Could she be wanting to convert or cure him?

And people can be stopped from coming to a funeral. It happened at one I attended and was handled relatively discreetly.

It's not fair that you have to deal with this when you and DH should be able to devote all your time to each other. I'm so sorry & you are both in my prayers.