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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP out on the town

12 replies

MissyHils42 · 20/11/2015 00:17

Long rant - may need to just pull myself together...

Really need advice on this one (or to be told I'm whining about nothing). DP is a supply teacher and has only worked for about 5.5 days since September, so I've been paying all of the household bills and giving him money regularly since then for everything. I work as a teaching assistant in a local school so don't earn anywhere near his earning capacity. He is a member of a local drama group (since about end of September this year) and attends rehearsals each Monday and Thursday. Although we are very short of money, he says he needs to go to the local pub on his way home from the drama group to unwind (says he goes in alone and reads or completes 'research' on his laptop). He always asks me for money for this, or keeps back some money I've given him for petrol to go. Recently, he has begun to go to bed around 10pm each evening other than Monday and Thursdays saying he's tired, but tonight he's still out now. (12.10am)
I am feeling tired as I've helped my children with homework tonight (GCSE French and Year 8 Geography) as well as the usual household tasks.
I don't want to stop him seeing friends but I'm feeling dumped on and used as a source of free money.
AIBU?

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 20/11/2015 00:19

Your feeling dumped on?

I would too.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 20/11/2015 00:20

I think you are the best judge of that. I really couldn't say for sure. But does he do good things for the family in general? Is he always like this or just going through a low patch? Could he get more work easily do you think or is it difficult at the moment. If you are feeling angry and annoyed, you probably have reason to.....

BathtimeFunkster · 20/11/2015 00:21

YANBU

At all.

The fucking cheek of him.

LineyReborn · 20/11/2015 00:27

Sorry

You're feeling that should read.

But my autocorrect is the least of your problems.

GruntledOne · 20/11/2015 00:53

YANBU. If he wants money to go to the pub, he should earn it. And I can't see any conceivable reason why someone who isn't working needs to wind down after an evening out pursuing a hobby he enjoys.

I'm quite surprised that he's only had 5.5 days' supply teaching this term, unless you live in the middle of nowhere or he teaches an abstruse subject. In my teacher friends' experience, there's an awful lot of supply work out there. I suggest you ask him to sign up to several supply agencies.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/11/2015 01:02

I think I'd look at the bigger picture. Who is doing the lion's share of the housework? Is the money you're giving him taking money away from needed things and causing bills to go unpaid? Do you have equal leisure time? Is there an expectation that he should be applying for jobs, any jobs, not just teaching?

I guess I'm wondering if there's an equal division of labour taking into account the hours that you're working, and if you're afforded equal time to go out.

If not, then the two of you need to talk.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 20/11/2015 01:04

Well, I don't earn much money, so if I go out then it comes out the joint pot.

But then, I'm not a lazy arse. Why isn't he working?

TendonQueen · 20/11/2015 01:08

YANBU. No one 'needs' to go to the pub to relax. And the things he says he does in there
not that I believe a word of it
he could do at home incurring no costs. The earning question is a separate one for me - though I agree that it's frustrating if someone isn't making a proper effort to find work - but even so, if you're very short of money, he shouldn't be using it on unnecessary and pointless expenses. Personally I'd want this to stop right now, and if he didn't like it, I'd say he's been lucky you let it go for so long given your finances.

Mmmmcake123 · 20/11/2015 01:08

I think he needs pulling up on his behaviour based on what you've said. Agree he should sign up to more agencies and be prepared to travel.
He sounds a bit lazy, sorry xx

Mmmmcake123 · 20/11/2015 01:14

When discussing household issues, do you feel your opinion is valued equally to his?
Is he using his qualifications to make you feel less knowledgeable?
If this is the case, he is just lazy, manipulative, and taking advantage. You need to say it how it is and tell him to grow up.
Best wishes xxx

Fratelli · 20/11/2015 16:02

Ohhhhhh I'm angry on your behalf op! That's so cheeky. Going to the pub is a luxury not an essential. What is he bringing to the relationship? It sounds like he's enjoying being a kept man!

ImperialBlether · 20/11/2015 16:13

I thought there was a lot of supply work around. Are you sure he's taking everything that's offered?

I think he's taking the piss, both with work and with his evening activities. I wouldn't give him any money for drink, either. He's got a real nerve asking you for that.

I don't blame you at all for keeping your money separate, but it's a bit like giving a child pocket money, isn't it? How come he just accepts that (and doesn't immediately look for work)?

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