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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say my dd is not going to football (rangers)

36 replies

starshaker · 18/11/2015 18:49

Me exH is a bigoted racist. I have always said dd (10) is not allowed to go. I know what he is like. I know what the people he goes with are like. I found out he took her to a game and I am really pissed off. Mostly because he told her to lie to me but also because it is the only thing I have ever really made my opinion known on.

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 18/11/2015 18:51

If your exDH is a bigoted racist then I doubt he's keeping his opinions to himself at all times except for at football.

I would be concerned but i'm not sure how football is really relevant.

ASAS · 18/11/2015 18:52

Jeez oh. I remember being a wee girl at Ibrox. YANBU.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/11/2015 18:53

Is he not entitled to take her anywhere he wants when he has her, if she wants to go?

GoldenWondering · 18/11/2015 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sprink · 18/11/2015 18:58

Is he not entitled to take her anywhere he wants when he has her, if she wants to go?

I know very little of Celtic/Rangers (not from this country, don't care about football), but that statement made me smile and raise eyebrows simultaneously.

No, of course he isn't. I can think of twenty places off the top of my head that an adult oughtn't be allowed to take a child.

Unfortunately, OP, a football match isn't one of them. Sorry I feel for you.

Sprink · 18/11/2015 19:00

There was an important punctuation miss there. Should be to the OP, "Sorry. I feel for you." Blush

Bailey101 · 18/11/2015 19:02

I went to an old firm game years ago - it was an eye opener and not somewhere a wee child should be going. Having said that though, as daft as it sounds, how unsuitable for a child it was depends on who they're playing. Is it football violence he gets into or is he just generally a racist?

Original poster
starshaker · 18/11/2015 19:08

he's generally a racist bigot but he thinks its ok. He thinks because he went when he was younger then its fine. He says she wants to go and I try and explain that she wants to spend time with him. If he went to the jungle she would want to go because he is there. He sees her once a fortnight and often she stays at his sisters while he goes off with his girlfriend because "he needs to have a life too". He doesn't think he should have to miss out on anything.

OP posts:
MsJamieFraser · 18/11/2015 19:09

You can't dictate what she does with her father in his time, even if it is something you are against, i have been to many a Rangers games, as well as Newcastle Sunderland, Celtic + loads of other league clubs, etc... and of all those games I have never seen a single incident.

So yes on him taking her to the game, I do think you are BU.

What I dont think is UR is that he is making your dd lie to him about attending the game thats what I personally would have a issue with.

MsJamieFraser · 18/11/2015 19:11

I have't commented on the old firm games, as they haven't played since last season, personally I would not take a child to any old firm/derby game, simply because of the rukkas between fans.

AgentProvocateur · 18/11/2015 19:22

I wouldn't take a child to Ibrox or Parkhead to let them hear the bigoted bile that's sung and shouted from the stands.

Sprink · 18/11/2015 19:25

I'd certainly address the fact he asked her to lie to you about where she'd been with him. That's piss poor parenting right there.

As for his leaving her with his extended family, I'm not so sure. Obviously it would be better if he's stuck around to be with his daughter, but sometimes the weekend visits with extended family can be the only chance they have of seeing a beloved niece or grandchild. Really depends on circumstances and the relationships involved.

Why didn't he and his girlfriend stay with SiL and your daughter that day? They might have had a nice time together and made her feel loved by many.

Redglitter · 18/11/2015 19:28

I wouldn't go as far as Pp and say a football match isn't a suitable place to her. I wouldn't even say a Rangers match was unsuitable. I know a lot of people who take their families to see Rangers or Celtic but I certainly wouldn't want to.put her in an environment like that with a bigoted racist. That's asking for trouble.

BlueJug · 18/11/2015 19:28

Depends where they are in the stadium. It is something he can share with her dad which is completely different from what she does with you.

Understand why you might worry - but you have to trust him.

(If he is racist, surely he has always been so and you were happy to be with him long enough to have a child with him and surely he is racist whether or not he is at a football match)

SpanglesGalloway · 18/11/2015 19:36

Coming from the west of Scotland and growing up with the celtic rangers thing I would definatly say YANBU.

My parents kept us far away from all of that. I don't think it's the environment for a child

rollmeover · 18/11/2015 19:39

No way would I let my kids go to Ibrox (or Parkhead) but in general 10 is probably a good age to start going to the football. Why dont you suggest Partick Thistle Grin

steff13 · 18/11/2015 19:44

Does the OP have the ability to dicate to the father where he takes the child during his visitation time? If it was someplace that was not legal for children, like a strip club, or someplace that was not legal period, like a cock fighting ring, then sure, but if it's a legal event where children are permitted, I don't see how the OP can do anything other than make her opinion known.

VestalVirgin · 18/11/2015 19:49

He sees her once a fortnight and often she stays at his sisters while he goes off with his girlfriend because "he needs to have a life too".

He sees her once a fortnight and even then doesn't spent that time with her? I think that's also something you are totally reasonable to be upset about. Does he think YOU don't need a life, or what?

YANBU. Depends on the law whether you can keep him from taking her, though.

butlerbabies · 18/11/2015 21:53

The comment that he thinks he's entitled to 'have a life' whilst palming his DD off when he only sees her once a fortnight really bothers me Hmm
As does the getting DD to lie to you.

Unfortunately, you don't have much say (if any) on where he takes her, if it is appropriate. Football isn't one of those things that I'd like my DD going to, purely because I know what the men are like! How old is she, may I ask?

I'm a life long West Ham fan and I absolutely loved sharing the experience and bonding over football with my Dad, and I wasn't even that interested in football! Might I add he was always in and out of my life Sad but I enjoyed it none the less and it's something I still enjoy (when I get the time which is never)

If she really wanted to go, I really see no issue. He is her dad, he'll protect her. Mind you, I wouldn't want my 15+ daughter going, as again, some men at those games are vultures Angry

Bambambini · 18/11/2015 23:34

You ex sounds like an arse so yanbu. My kids hav been to Celtic park once or twice. It was fine but we picked a more friendly game, not old firm.

GrimDamnFanjo · 18/11/2015 23:46

Rangers and Celtic is something else and YANBu. I lived in the west of Scotland. Truly awful, even with adults in the civil service office I worked in.

thecitydoc · 19/11/2015 11:47

Rangers are working very hard to rid itself of the type of supporter you describe but unfortunately it is a club still infected with antic-catholic bigots who sing sectarian songs and chants. I, as a Celtic leaning supporter, did not take my son to Celtic games until he was old enough to understand the sectarian songs and chants sung by so called Celtic supporters and to have no time for them - indeed at the time his best friend was a Rangers fan and in the boys football club it was split 50/50 Celtic Rangers amongst players and coaches. There is very little singing of such songs at Celtic home games but there are still some bigots at Celtic Park. Whilst both clubs should be applauded for the steps they have taken they are fighting against a society problem, particularly in the west of Scotland where anti-catholic bigotry is still wide spread.

Feeches · 19/11/2015 12:08

I was taken to Celtic games as a youngster but only low risk fixtures and we were always in the more family friendly seated areas. I loved it and it was good bonding for me and my dad but then my dad is not a racist bigot and always shielded me from such behaviour. If you feel your ex is exposing your dc to such behaviour then YANBU.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 19/11/2015 13:15

Doesn't sound good to me, particularly judging from what PPs who have more knowledge have said.

That said, I am not from Scotland and have not been to any of these games, so not sure my opinion is well informed.

I assume they don't have any family stands where he could take her to be away from any racist/bigoted language? As a compromise?

If he is a racist bigot generally I guess you will have to do what you can to educate her to see this is unacceptable. Feel for you, OP.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 19/11/2015 13:18

Oh yes, and getting her to lie to you is definitely not OK.

Asking her to lie to her Mum (or Dad) and getting her to think "don't tell Mummy" is OK is failing to protect her from potential abuse (from anywhere - school, peers, anyone in authority), should the situation arise. It's statistically unlikely to, but all children need to know that if someone says "don't tell Mummy/don't tell Daddy" that is exactly the time when you should be telling Mummy or Daddy.

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