to ask what to do to help unhappy DD

[CandiceSmith]

DD is 20 and at uni - doing well, has friends, no boyfriend problems as far as I know; nothing to be sad about.

She came home at the weekend saying she had been unhappy for weeks and had just been lying in bed for the past 5 days. She doesn't seem unkempt and sometimes she will enter into a brief, normal conversation with me, then gets bad tempered if I say the 'wrong' thing.

I suggested she might want to see the GP but she didn't want to. She has no history of depression and not sure that's what it is. Shes still at home.

AIBU to ask for some advice as to how I can help DD?

Can you try and help her pin point why she is unhappy?

People do get unhappy, its part of the human spectrum.

Are you able to do ££ nice things with her?

Break the cycle, do something totally different?

Although she is not talking at the moment I suspect maybe she doesnt want to say.

You could validate her "that sounds really understandable", " its OK to feel the way you do, but it can't be nice ". You could ask her what she would like from you. You could suggest she self refer to her local IAPT service. Or you could step back and let her know you are there for her.

Difficult if she doesn't want to go to the gp. Maybe she will later and she is just not ready yet.

Could she access online support?

I would err caution on rushing to the GP perhaps gives it a gravity it doesnt need yet?

That's true, unhappiness is a normal human emotion, we don't need to pathologise everything.

Thanks for your replies.

Thats what I'm thinking Limbo I believe breaking the cycle is the way out of this and I'm more than happy to do ££ nice things were her if only she'd agree and get out of bed.

Is she really doing well in her studies or could there be problems she isn't telling you?

What year is she in?

That's interesting Limbo- can you explain more? DD1 is far away at University and went to the GP feeling very low but doing all the right things re sleep, food, socialising exercise etc. and has been put on SSRIs.

Does she like her courses? It is very hard for them to imagine what studying a particular subject is like until they are actually doing it and she may have found that what she is studying doesn't suit her

For what it's worth I went through that at uni. Combination of moving out of home, busy difficult course and bitch flat mates. I went on an Ssri and it helped me finish my course and get a good degree. Now ten years later I don't know why I got like that and I've been off Ssri for a long period of time. I would take her to GP anyway and see what they say.

Poor girl :( do you think she is homesick?
Obviously she wants to be at home where she feels safe so there has to be a reason.
Does she feel out of place?

I was shocked that she was 'medicated' Pepper, we'd been talking and facetimimg and I thought she was fine. However as I'm not at hand to see her and the stakes are so high I've kept quiet. She seems so much more herself though, it was obviously the right thing for her.

It's difficult. She might not even know herself why she is sad. She might even have SAD the nights are drawing in and it's horrid weather. Home is far away, where quite frankly that's where you get the most validation and support, and it's not yet Christmas. I think it's the worst time of the term.

I found uni difficult too, I think we sell uni as like a dream, one long party. In reality it's work, flat mates might have off days and not have time to chat, and long periods where you might be alone.

Could you go and visit for a Christmas shopping trip?

A visit to the GP could rule out physical reasons for feeling tired and lethargic. If she chooses not to see the GP, could she talk to someone at the university counselling service?

Uni often is a massive disappointment. Yes, she's made friends but you're constantly around unfamiliar faces. Years of getting to know teachers (and communicating in thst way) go out of the window and you haven't always got supportive advice on tap; the work feels a bit of a step back in some ways in yhe forst year (unless it's a new subject). Going out isn't great and of course you have less meaningful contact with your close friends from your past.

Is this her first year?

DD struggled in her first year and did take ADs for a while. All the factors PP have mentioned plus she was actually having problems with her flatmates. She is now in her second year and in a shared house with different people and far happier.

It may be clinical depression, I had this at about 19 was at university, had to drop out, the questions you need to ask her does if she is out with friends, socialising etc does she feel like she wants to be there. I on the out side had nothing to be sad about either. I also went to uni when I shouldn't , I should have maybe done an apprenticeship, may be she is feeling the pressure there.
Hope you resolve things soon

Various physical illnesses have depression as a side-effect, so she should get checked out by the GP anyway - could be anaemia for instance. 5 days in bed on the trot sounds like depression to me (years of being depressed myself!).

Tbh my first serious bout of depression hit me at the same age - I had on paper nothing to feel ill about, but I couldn't lift my head. I didn't care about anything, I felt numb, I could hold normal conversations sometimes, then just belly up into not caring, being snappy, withdrawing. My parents put it down to one of those things. I went back to university, continued in the same way, was desperately unhappy but couldn't really articulate why. I left university early, got by as best I could, didn't see any doctor until I was about 26 coped with my feelings as best as I could. It all came to a head when I was about 27 I made some poor decisions, lost my job. Went back to the Dr (who was brilliant), took anti depressants for about 2 years, stopped work, just stopped most things. Slowly I began to reassess stuff, started a completely different job, made some changes.

That was about 13 years ago now, I wish I had have been listened to and made inroads into recovering from my illness earlier when it first started. I'm not saying your daughter is suffering from depression but I'd encourage to go to the GP.