to think that I am ENTITLED

[SoDiana]

Very long story short.

I was abused physically and emotionally as a chilh.

I am an alcoholic now.

In terms of examples of verbal abuse I would be

A useless goofy toothed bitch
A useless cunt
A horrible bastard
A
Etc...

On the other hand people have apparently stated that I am

A genius
A beauty
The kindest person they have come across

I have struggled my whole fucking life.

Am I wrong to think that the state and my entire blooming family owe me a second chance at life?

I have attempted suicide approximately 100 times. I can't seem to combat alcohol.

I am so annoyed.

Thanks everyone.

I was mopping floors as my head was about to explode.
I was homeless in London.
Am now under my father's roof and boy do I pay.
It has just brought it crashing back.
Btw he was never physically abusive.

doesn't matter, abuse of any sort does just as much damage in different ways, do not excuse this find yourself a safe life, a life away from abusers and find your own healing process, whatever works for you,whatever help you can find, wherever you can find it, whatever methods you need, and MN is here to help, where it can, albeit in very limited ways. seek a truth for yourself and follow it. only you are capable of changing your life, we can only offer bullshit to inspire, the means of change are within your power only. sadly if there were an easy answer outside ourselves we would all 'take the pill' and be happy. sorry I sound a right twat but I do believe in what I say however twee and trite... if only it were that easy though eh! I am seeking this myself so feel free to pooh pooh me with a pinch of salt

Sodiana I love your posts on other threads. So sad you've been through this

Stepaway and dexra.
Thanks.

I'm getting my big pants on.

Thank you all.

big pants look good girl... particularly like the flowery ones with the lace

Look. You're completely sane. C'mon girl. Stop drinking so much. You're all right.

I'm sorry you had a shitty start in life. Lots of us did.
Of course you deserve a second shot, but it's unlikely that anyone will hand you it. In my experience I just stuck my middle finger up at people and walked away.
That's by far the best thing I could have done for me.

There are ways of kicking a drink addiction, I understand it's very hard though, just keep trying- is it bad enough to go into rehab? My dad did rehab, the first time it didn't work. The second time was amazing for him.
He would be 13 years drink free Aug just gone (I say would, I don't know if he is because I haven't seen him in almost four years)

Pressed post too early.....I wish you good luck.

Take all the happiness you can for yourself.

alcoholic here. grew up in an alcoholic household - lots of sexual violence. i was abused and neglected and these days i have many mental health diagnoses alongside my addiction. i don't tell you this as Tragedy Top Trumps - i want you to see how familiar your story is to me because it's mine as well.

i am 19 months sober now. it took a fair few goes to get sobriety to stick. i did AA for the first 8 months or so - a meeting every day. i had to stop drinking in the end as a) it stopped working, which meant i went from sober to blackout on the first drink without any of the warm fuzzies and b) i ended up in a hideous cycle of 2-3 day binges followed by withdrawals. the withdrawals got so bad i nearly died.

i couldn't imagine life with no booze. it's in the fabric of me. but in the end it came down to the wire and i just couldn't do it any more.

it can be done but you really have to work at it. however, the rewards are huge. be well.

That got me choked up, wife. Ach, some of us really do have a shit time. Well done.

Thinking about this thread when I read an article about unrest among young black people in SA. It's in the Guardian sometime this week (helpful). They have got THE RAGE and are making it very clear. So liberating to read that. I kind of saw i'm being much too mild-mannered about my history and my situ - that I have a RIGHT to be white-hot angry. (I'm not equating my experience with the appalling oppression of blacks in SA btw; more recognising rank, barefaced injustice, albeit on a different scale).

The thing about that volcanic rage - justified imo - is that if it doesn't go OUT it goes IN. Self-sabotaging. Crawling depression, self-hatred, self-harm, shame. Etc.

Sometimes I am so angry I could pop. Major RAGE - and not in passing, either. Reading about those kids in SA who have had enough and are showing bare-faced rage set something off in me. I need to get angry, it's been too long since I was.

There a time and a place, of course - seasons? - and obviously expressed appropriately (usually privately ime): it's not always the right time. But I don't want to miss it when it is the right time, to smother it under 'reasonable'.