to think this is pretty fucking immature and insulting?

[VelvetSpoon]

Am prepared to be told I'm wrong but don't think I am (who does in AIBU though? ).

My bf lives some distance from his parents and siblings, so doesn't see them regularly (about x3-4 a year on average). So when we visit his mum likes to get all the family together.

However in every occasion I've been, barring my first visit (when she was obviously under instruction to check me out and report back to my bf's Ex, who she is all pally pally with ), so 3 times now, she comes up with an utter bullshit last minute excuse why she can't make whatever his mum has arranged, be it dinner at theirs, a meal out, picnic etc. Every time.

I get that stuff comes up at last minute. But SIL is quite happily round at my bfs parents, or having them to hers at least once a fortnight, and letting them help her out etc - yet deliberately avoids any occasion when we're there and insults us all by giving a fake reason.

I just think she'd be better to be honest and say she doesn't like me, or whatever her actual problem is. Or, if she's going to lie at least come up with something a bit plausible!

Because how things are now is just an insult to our intelligence and really quite immature. I can see how disappointed his mum is every time she doesn't manage to get us all together and feel sad for her, because surely it wouldn't hurt SIL to just suck it up?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Sil's hubby, who is the brother of OP's boyfriend also doesnt turn up, santaslittlemonkeybutler....

[FriendofBill]

Maybe sil is his priority

[OnTheEdgeToday]

If my sister and her husband refused to turn up to family gatherings when i was attending, and happily turned up when i wasnt. My issue would lie with my sister - not my brother in law. My partner (if i had one), i would imagine would also question my sister - not my brother in law.

Yet op is adamant the sil is in the wrong here. She also just so happens to be good frienda with op's ex girlfriend. I sense jealousy, and possibly signs of a threat or something being hidden...in op's eyes.

Because really....the one who is in the wrong (not that i believe anyone is...) technically, is op's boyfriends brother. Sil is an innocent bystander in all of this

[Osolea]

Shouldn't it be up to your boyfriend to be upset that he doesn't get to see his brother instead of it bring your place to be upset with the SIL?

Your bf needs to say something to his brother if it bothers him, and you need to stay well out of it. Your SIL can be friends with whoever she likes, she isn't doing anything wrong by being friends with her ex SIL.

[VelvetSpoon]

Her husband, my bfs brother, has turned up on 2 of the 3 occasions, albeit briefly. So although I don't think that's particularly great, it's not quite so blatantly rude either.

I know people are busy. I work ft, am a single parent with 2 DC. I understand about having a busy life. That said, I would certainly be able to find time to attend a family gathering 3 times in a year. Surely it's just common politeness/ courtesy to the older members of the family ie bfs parents?

2-3 hours a handful of times a year isn't asking much.

[OnTheEdgeToday]

You said you had only met THEM once as they never turn up. You also said you think the first time they turned up was strictly to see what you were like to pass this information back to his ex who she is pally pally with.

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Why do you think your boyfriends ex is interested in you?

[FriendofBill]

I just don't 'get' why they have to see you? Why are you making it an issue? You are a year into a relationship, they met you once as a couple, DB has popped in twice.

You have very high expectations OP.
Do you find people often let you down?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

because this is about the ex

[Enjolrass]

Honestly I think Yabu.

Possibly the Sil doesn't want to be put in the middle, maybe the ex asks about you and sil feel awkward about it.

Or maybe she just is busy, or doesn't feel comfortable round you.

Maybe her problem is with you boyfriend.

I really wouldn't be getting that upset that my boyfriends brothers wife had not made an effort to see me.

You really have some fully formed negative opinions of her based on only your boyfriends interpretation.

I don't get on with my sil of 8 years. Yes I do avoid her. It's easier (even though it means I miss out on events with my own parents) because she is very confrontational and me handing her, her ass would upset mum.

She has been quite honest in her opinion that her kids are more important than mine because dbro is the oldest

It's easier to avoid than call her out in it.

Honestly OP don't let it bother you. You don't know her well enough to make a judgment. It's all well and good saying you want them to tell you the issue, but you could hear some uncomfortable info about your boyfriend, or at least what her/the exs version is.

[diddl]

I think that you might be making too much of it.

She gets on well with her ILs & sees them often by the sounds of things.

Why would she snub them because you are there?

Even if she prefers his ex, it doesn't matter if she is OK to you for the sake of herhusband & BIL.

Give it more time!

[winterland]

Maybe the SIL doesn't have issues with you, she just doesn't want to see her MIL?

[Optimist1]

Poor woman - if she attends one of these events she's accused of checking OP out and reporting back, and when she doesn't attend she's accused of being insulting.

[AuntieStella]

Making polite excuses isn't immature, it's exactly that, polite. Much of politeness is about the avoidance of friction, and this is exactly what it looks like in action.

There is no reason whatsoever to dig around in whether and why they don't appear to like you.

[GeekLove]

I think they are being considerate. I would be happy if people who don't like me stay away from me. It's people who for some unfathomable reason who insist on seeing people whom they despise that are more problematic.

[Enjolrass]

Poor woman - if she attends one of these events she's accused of checking OP out and reporting back, and when she doesn't attend she's accused of being insulting.

this ^^

Maybe she picked up on the fact that the OP and partner believes she was spying for the ex.

[VelvetSpoon]

It didn't occur to me she was spying the first time I met her. I've got better things to worry about than what she might be saying to his Ex about me. I only started to think that might have been her motivation when after 1 meeting (wherein she quizzed me about my family, DC, job, whether or not I was divorced) I've not seen her since on several 'family' occasions within 5-10 minutes drive of her house where it would have been easy for her to attend.

No ones putting her out to attend these meetings, it's been 3 times this year. So not often, and locations have always been within a few miles radius of their home. She sees bfs parents very regularly, which makes the poor excuses to me almost more insulting - I can see how disappointed bfs mum is every time she says she can't make it (usually the day before, sometimes on the morning), and feel sad for her as she likes to have all her DC together.

And if she was busy, genuinely, wouldn't you say so? Oh, I've got to take DC to a party, or we've got a sports match, or whatever. Fair enough. Not that you're waiting in for a parcel which you think might be delivered today and then the next day, because it didn't turn up you can't rearrange to meet as you're still waiting...or similar feeble and fairly transparent excuse.

I've not visited so far with bfs DC. We are due to take them in the NY. I'm half minded not to go because I suspect if I do, they'll miss seeing their cousins as SIL wont be able to make it...

[OnTheEdgeToday]

How can it be several occasions and three at the same time? And how can your partners brother meet you only once, and also three times?

You considering not going just incase your sil doesnt turn up is not going to achieve anything.

It still doesnt make any sense as to why you are bothered by any of this? You are taking it personally, and quite frankly - you shouldnt be. You really shouldnt give a toss considering you would (if she turned up) see them three times a year at max. Its not like its all very close knit and the whole family relationships depend on you two getting along.

[Enjolrass]

You didn't consider it at the time, but the fact that she met you and asked questions about (ie showing interest) has convinced you she was spying.

Don't go if you don't want. Not sure how you can call her immature when you are planning on changing plans because she hasn't visited when you do.