To say something to my mother because she is REALLY pissing me off with this now.

[jimijack]

I have 2 kids, ds1 is 12, ds 2 is 2.
My sister has a 12 year old.
My mum lives 10 minutes from me. I take her shopping Every week, Bob in for a cuppa to check on her in between.

She absolutely dotes on my sister's daughter. Always has done, has her for weeks At a time when my sister goes on holiday, for full weekends (3.30 on a Friday after school until 8 on a Sunday evening) so my sister can go out on a Saturday night, twice a week after school too.
When I take her shopping, she fills the trolley with stuff that my niece loves, foods, clothing, toys, books, magazines, spends her pension pretty much on my niece.
Telling me the whole time "oooh E would love these".

She never asks about my kids, ever.
She knows I am struggling with my 2 year old not sleeping, I seriously mean, he DOES NOT sleep. I get between 4 and 5 hours sleep a night. I work 50 hours a week, He kicks off when we go shopping, screaming throwing things, climbing out constantly, she just follows me round while I'm exhausted, stressed, at the end of my tether while she LOADS up her trolley and complains about the latest thing my niece is up to.
She complains about my nieces behaviour and attitude, it seems that she is rude, demanding, aggressive and even hits & kicks my mother. She is constantly in trouble at school, had knives taken from her school bag on 2 separate occasions. CAMHS are involved.
I am sick of her complaining about my sister just dumping her kid on her and her kid being a pain. I am fed up of the one sided attitude, it's as if my kids are absolutely nothing to do with her, not part of her life at all.
Her ability to ignore my struggles, and problems in favour of my sister's social life and holiday plans.

I am very close to having a rant at her, but there's no going back is there once a rant is aired...

I would honestly stop helping her so much.

It is very one sided and it isn't fair, although I think you may get replies along the lines of 'you can't expect help' etc. Seems to be the way sometimes on here.

Is there a reason? Is your sister a LP and you aren't? Has she needed more help in the past and it has just carried on? I'm struggling to understand why it would be so one sided. Has your sister always got away with more than you when you were younger?

YANBU. It would test anyone's patience. Have you explicitly asked her to help? My sister gets a hell of a lot more time, attention and financial help than I even have done from our dad. I suspect it is because she demands it more whereas I have always got on with stuff myself. It rankles though, a lot so I get where you are coming from.

Sister is a lp, but has lived with my mother for long periods over the years with dn, had a live in babysitter essentially.
She has her own place now & has married, planning a 2 week Holiday next spring....without my niece, my mum is moving into her house to look after dn while they go away.
My mum says she is exhausted after looking after dn as she is such hard work, for that reason I never ask her to help me out.
I would only ask her to have my 2 year old while I get food shopping for an hour, never over night, never for us socially, we don't go out...too knackered.

It doesnt need to come out as a rant though, it sounds as if there is resentments simmering and not just about the help either. Have you ever tried to talk to your Mum about how you feel, and did she favour your sister growing up over you?

Never spoken to my mum about it no. She doesn't have a clue.
My sister & I have 2 other siblings, no one was favoured as kids.

Have you tried explicitly asking your mum to have your ds? My PIL do loads for my SIL because she asks for help all the time. Me and DH will struggle on without any help or realisation that we need help, because we don't ask or expect.

put the ball in her court, give her an opportunity to help you.

Sounds like she helps your sister because of the behaviour of your dn, and that you are her sounding board where she can let off steam to help her cope.

No, not terribly fair but then you don't ask for help.

Would you find it easier to go shopping without your mum? Do you think your son is behaving badly in the shop because he wants your attention, but your mum is distracting you?

I would say, "I think my sister should take you shopping today" and leave it at that. You are helping her and doing what you can for her, but she isn't even seeing you as a person!

I think a snap of "You have more than one grandchild, you know" wouldn't go amiss.

Maybe she thinks you are more capable, or your kids don't need the extra love / attention that your sister's does? My aunt does this for one of her grandchildren and it's because the child would be neglected if it weren't for her - she's simply not worried about the rest of her grandchildren to do so much for them, because they have capable parents. You should discuss hte matter for sure though - always good to talk.

This would piss me right off. I'd be tempted to interrupt her every time she starts on about your dn with some anecdote about one of your sons.

My parents seermingly favour my DSIS kids but tbh they live nearer and have spent much more time with them so it doesn't surprise me. Given she has spent so much time with your dn I suspect this is the case with you but to ignore your DC entirely is awful.

I can see why you are resentful and fed up. Like others say, you could step back a little and you would have every right to say something and probably should, this will just fester and fester away anyway.

Sounds like your niece needs some help. I can understand your mum helping out more if your sister was a LP and staying there. It seems like your mum has had to be parent to your niece as well, if she lived there and your sister abdicates a lot of responsibility to your mum. She possibly sees you as being settled and your kids in a more stable and secure set up who need her less.

1. Internet shopping. Don't take your ds shopping.
2. Stop helping your mum so much. She's being bloody unfair to all her gc. She can do her own shopping in future.

Are there any other grandchildren? I mean, do your other 2 siblings have children, and if so, how are they treated?

It may be that your mum has more of a parental bond with your niece because of her living at your mum's for some time, so she's used to buying stuff for her; it sounds like your niece has been spoilt rotten and is now a demanding little wotsit, but then you say CAMHS are involved so that could mean all sorts of things are going on for your niece.

It does also sound as though you are much more "sorted" with your children than your sister, even though your 2yo is a non-sleeper - if you don't ask for help ever, then your mum's not going to offer it - she's already worn out from looking after your niece!

I wouldn't rant at her. But I would back off on the amount of help, and maybe actually ask her for help yourself, see how that works out for you. And then if she says she can't do anything for your boys, or has no interest in them, THEN you can choose whether or not to go off pop at her.

These s one other grandchild who is older who she doesn't bother with.
Aldi don't do online shopping, I shop there as its what we can afford.

I'm tired today, 3rd day of being up from 4.30 this morning with ds 2. Shattered and at work til midnight tonight.
Just fed up I spose.

It sounds like words need to be said - but not with your mum. The person at the centre of all this is your sister. Your mum is having to pick up the slack because your sister palms her dd off on your mum.

Your mum has perhaps got to the stage where she sees you as the coper. You're holding down a job, look after your dc. She probably thinks you don't need her like your sister and niece do.

Your sister is taking advantage. Your mum lets her. Your niece is stuck in the middle and your dc are pushed to the back if the queue. Its a really shitty situation and I can empathise but for different reasons.

It sounds like part of the problem with the difference in attitude towards your DN and your DCs is the fact that your DN has lied with her, so she feels more involved with her, knows her more etc. She's never had reason to build up a relationship with your DC's in the same way.

And I suspect that she sees you as more "sorted" than your DSis, which could explain why she unloads on you. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't realise what she's doing.

I think you need to have a gentle talk with her. No accusations or PA digs. Just be pen and honest. Her response will tell you where to go next.

not lied - lived!

FIFTY HOURS A WEEK and you take your mom shopping seriously can you not get a babysitter for the day take a day off work break the phones and go to bed? you sound like you need it i have three two who stay up late and one who gets up early unfortunately one of the ones who stays up late also gets up early its beyond exhausting some days

dot com the shopping take a break don't keep taking your two year old shopping its too exhausting

It sounds like your DM prefers girls to boys. YANBU to be annoyed at the preferential treatment. Like others have suggested it's time to stop with the stoical silence.

So next time she takes you shopping and picks something for DNiece you could pick something else up and say " Oh DS would really like this" or maybe that's a bit too much so how about "Do you know DM you always buy DNiece something every time we're out."

When she complains about DNiece behaviour and being tired "Well you know DM you don't have to have her so much. You need time to relax or spend with your other GCs. Dsis is settled now so I don't know why you need to have her for so much at the time."

Then I would just tell her how things actually are. Ask her for a bit of help. Tell her that you'd like your DCs to have a relationship with her.

Then if all that doesn't work, it's time to be a lot less accommodating.

You do sound jealous though OP.
There's nothing wrong with asking your mum to babysit occasionally and it's not her fault, your dsis or niece that you are knackered.
It sounds like they have made a life that involves your niece and mum caring for her and helping your dsis when she was a sp. They have established this pattern and it works for them.
She maybe thinks you are too busy to see her more and that you don't want the same relationship with her as your dsis.
Also, maybe she thinks she doesn't need to buy things for your dc as much as your dsis, especially if dsis has struggled financially and you haven't.

When she complains about your niece, what does she say if or when you suggest she tells your sister that she isn't going to look after her so much in the future?

I don't think you sound jealous but, understandably, fed up.

Personally, I would have a word with your mum. It doesn't need to become a sticking point as long as both sides can stay calm and rational - which is a good prefix for the whole discussion.

I would ask your mum if you can arrange a time for you and her to go out for a coffee with no children. Once settled, agree to no phone interruptions.

One way to get the conversation going might be to say that you have concerns for her welfare and how much time/energy she is spending on DN. Maybe with her complaining she's looking for a way out of looking after DN but doesn't know how?