My mums last minute plans...

[CerseiHeartsJaime4ever]

She picks up DS 3 days a week, has him for 1.5 hours till DP or I come home.

On several occasions she is late or tells me that week/night before that she can't do it (most times this has happened has been a hosp appt or holiday she's know about for weeks.) I understand there are times when things come up, she can't always be there obviously and for those times we have alternative options - DP's dad can sometimes pick him up or he can go to after school club. But we need some notice esp when she's known about it for ages and DP's dad has something else on or after school club has to be booked.

I have asked her time and time again for some notice so we can get plans arranged in advance, not just the night before. She gets angry and asks why I can't just take the day off, which of course I could do if I had some notice to do that! I don't mind that at all, she is doing us a favour after all, but work doesn't work that way! (She doesn't work)

Today she has said she needs a holiday, can't tell me when, it'll be in the next few weeks. I said could you give me an idea of dates please so I can speak to FIL. She says she can't, sorry and I am totally not understanding when it comes to this.

Am I unreasonable to expect just a bit of time to organise alternatives? I have booked afteschool club for the rest of dec now because I just won't have an idea what day she's not going to turn up until the night before

Her behaviour just sounds strange to me. Why does she deliberately let you down by not telling you she can't help out until the last minute? What a nasty thing to do, quite frankly! Well - she can't have it both ways. ASC from now on.

After school club is your childcare.

DS spending some.quality bonding time with his grandmother is a different thing with different priorities, for all involved.

She's called. Apparently saying she needed a holiday at some point was my notice. anyway I have booked ASC as a regular thing till feb and then I can cancel by the Friday before if she does want to pick him up for some time together the next week. Thanks again all

Thought I'd update on this one.

Although DS is in afterschool club on the days I can't get him, the last minute plans continue.

Last week DM asked if she could come with me to collect him on thursday as she is missing doing it. I said yes of course, that's fine, see you at 3.15. I collected him on time and waited. Called her at 3.20 as she wasn't there. No answer. Called again at 3.25 and she said she was in traffic but to wait at the school for her. By 3.40 we were waiting outside the school in the rain and I decided just to go home.

Today she said she could collect him so I said ok (knowing I was home if her plans fell through). I called her at 3.05 to ask about 'something else' and asked where she was. She was at least a 15 min drive away so she would have been late again, not to mention the parking time! So I got him instead!

So all in all, I either pick him up on time on my days off or he goes to afterschool club (which he loves!) but it hasn't changed my Mums attitude to time keeping or commitments. And this is possibly the last day she could have got him before Christmas as the only way she can get him next week is if I cancel AS club before the school's deadline, and she never lets me know her plans in time for that!

I think you have to start saying 'no' instead of 'yes' to your mum. She is getting something out of messing you about - a sense of power, or something. And I can't see any downside to her when she lets you down - all the downside is shouldered by you.

So next time she asks to collect him, just say 'no, you're unreliable'. She seriously cannot deny it.

You're going to have to tell her just to come to your place I'd she wants to see her grandchild after school - handing around, ESP this time if year is a miserable task

Why do you always just agree to what she says? Put yourself and your child first.

yes I would just tell her DS will be in after school club now as it was clearly too difficult for her to arrange her schedule around it. She can see him other times.

She sounds like a bit of a bully tbh.

Could she spend an hour with him at your house?

I think enough is enough now. You just say 'no, you are always late or saying you can't make it with too short notice. If you want to see DS you can come here when we've got in from school.'

I just couldn't trust her anymore to keep her word. At least then you'll know if you aren't relying on her there won't be any of this waiting around wasting time nonsense.

Has she always been this hopeless with timekeeping?

This is ridiculous! I agree with pp who said you need to say no instead of yes? "I miss ds can I get him today" "No, sorry but I can't rely on you to be there on time so I'm picking him up from now on". It sounds so stressful.

You do need to have proper arrangements in place, your Mum is just not reliable.

It's good you've booked the after school club because at least you know they won't let you down.

If she asks to come with you to collect him in future, can you tell her to meet you at your house instead, so at least you're not waiting in the rain.

And just keep saying no to her picking him up. She's let you down too often and she's not going to change her ways unless she really wants to.

Do you pay her for childcare? If not then YABVU.

Looking after your son must take up a lot of her time.

OP, feel free to ignore me if you think I'm prying, but one thing you posted earlier has kind of gnawed at me.

"She used my grandparents a lot for childcare when we were young, in that I lived with them from Friday to Sunday, even had my own room there"
Every weekend? That's pretty unusual. Did she work at weekends? Or was that her social life?

The reason I'm asking is that everything about her seems very selfish to me. You said "it's always on her terms" and I suspect that EVERYTHING is always on her terms. She didn't bother giving you advance notice of her appointments etc. because she simply din't see any need - the world revolves around her and everyone must simply accommodate her every wish - that's the way the world works. She's unreliable because it's all about her, of course people must wait for her. She angry that you can't (won't, in her eyes) take a day off work when she tells you to. And your son going to ASC "hasn't changed my Mums attitude to time keeping or commitments" because her attitude that it's all about her is unshakeable. She probably thinks it's you son's loss that he doesn't get to spend time in her presence.

What is your grandparents attitude to her? Do they get on? Does it seem an equal relationship to you?

I don't think the point is whether the OP pays her or not.

Being let down at the last minute when her Mum has had plenty of notice about appointments etc, meaning the OP could have made other arrangements in time, is not fair.

Neither is insisting you want to help someone with something and them continuously letting them down.

Paid or not, that kind of behaviour isn't right. The OP has asked if her Mum wants to change the arrangements and been told no, yet is being let down with little or no notice more often than not. Her mother has insisted she wants to do this, she has a choice and the OP is more than happy to pay for after school club if her mother has had a change of heart. Paying her mother or not is a red herring when the mother has insisted she wants to provide the care, and being paid wouldn't change the timekeeping problems, appointments, or lack of notice given to make other arrangements.

Wait 5 mins and then go. Its the middle of winter and presumably he wants a snack/ has homework to do . She'll soon get the message.

Good for you booking in the ASC. Life is too short.

He's on holiday soon. If she doesn't work then why not just suggest that she spend a morning with him or something [and have a plan b]