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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is he? bedtime etiquette

45 replies

Arrowfanatic · 15/11/2015 20:53

DH wanted to have sex & said so, I said I wasn't in the mood as I was really tired from minimal sleep. I said I just wanted to go to bed early, read a few pages of my book & go to sleep (I suffer with insomnia, reading in bed helps me drift off). I didn't think DH would mind, prior to this convo he had been saying how he would stay up late as he doesn't need to be up early as he's on late shift. I have to be up with the kids at 6:30am.

Anyway, saying no to sex put him in a huff. Whilst I fed our cats he disappeared upstairs. I followed behind switched my little lamp on & whilst I checked on our children he climbed into bed & switched it off again.

So I came back, pointed out I hadn't even started getting ready for bed yet as I was checking the kids, something he never does, and switched it back on whilst I located pj's. I then turned it off, and got my small light on my ereader on so I could still read.

He's thrown a wobbly about the light. I pointed out that he knew I had said I wanted to read in bed to help me sleep (reading downstairs doesn't work as the act of coming back upstairs sort of wakes me again when I get to the drowsy reading stage, fellow insomniacs will get what I mean) and I did mention how he said he wanted to be up late. He's now stormed off back downstairs.

I feel like he's done this in a sulk as I refused sex, had we done it he would have no issue with my reading light. He knew I wanted to read, but AIBU having my ereader light on?

OP posts:

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 15/11/2015 23:03

Not pathetic to want to. Definitely pathetic to strop about it.

OddlyLogical · 15/11/2015 23:27

But I don't think it's a hanging offence for him to be a bit frustrated about it and to act childishly about the light as a result.
It's pathetic! Acting childishly is never acceptable in an adult relationship.
Wanting sex is good, but any kind of sulking if the answer is no, is unacceptable.
If the answer is always no then there is a problem that needs resolving but sulking and acting childishly will never help.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 23:35

Hmm. Can any of us say that we have never, ever acted childishly in a relationship? We've always met every single tiff or obstacle with unfailing adult maturity?

I suspect there is a lot more to OP's situation than she has shared (which is of course her right). But insomnia usually has a cause, and she obviously has a problem with her husband wanting sex 'every five minutes'. As far as I can see, he is not forcing her or cheating on her. She does of course have every right to say no, but I think this situation is more complex than it looks, and I don't think being a bit immature in the face of an ongoing situation that isn't being addressed is the hanging offence a lot of others seem to think it is.

Original poster

Arrowfanatic · 16/11/2015 07:01

Well, 6:30am and I'm awake.

For the record we have a healthy sex life, but no matter how much we have he always wants more. Not in a mean, caveman way, but it can get rather overwhelming especially if I say no and he won't stop bugging me to change my mind. This month has been harder as I've had issues being investigated down there so the doctor told us not to do it for a few weeks and his frustration sets in especially now I've got the all clear and said no this time but we have had sex plenty he isn't destitute.

Re the light, it's not bright. I'd angled it to ensure his side of the room was in darkness. But on the flip side my (lucky) husband can fall asleep easily anywhere, any time. I've read plenty of times like this before and he's never been bothered. I suppose his shift working trains his body to sleep any time.

My insomnia has been an issue since I was 10, I get restless legs which unless you get its hard to understand how awful it is. I've had sleeping tablets galore but they don't work, I just end up dizzy, sick & awake. It's not every night, I tend to get a couple of weeks of it then a couple of weeks I sleep ok. But with such a long history of it which DH is usually sympathetic with , one of the few ways that can help me sleep is reading.

Anyway, to me the whole switching the lamp off whilst I was sorting out the kids bit and the strop over the ereader light just felt like a strop over the no sex, I felt it was U but I know I'm far from perfect so fancied opinions.

For the record my DH is a wonderful husband, he works hard, is an amazing father and we love each other dearly.

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 16/11/2015 07:06

I've told him that bugging for sex every 5 minutes and then sulking when I say no just puts me off it even more.

Totally agree with this. I find this so unattractive.

Yanbu op, yes it's disappointing if you fancy having a bit and your partner doesn't. Nothing wrong with being disappointed. But having a strop about it is childish. As is not accepting your partner has a right o decide for themselves

FreeWorker1 · 16/11/2015 08:13

Arrowfanatic - insomnia, exhaustion and restless legs are symptoms of [[http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Fibromyalgia/Pages/Introduction.aspx fibromyalgia].

I have fibromyagia and take low dose anti depressants which help me sleep and reduce a wide range of other symptoms.

Check out the link. There are many symptoms, not all of which you may have but it seems you have a number of health issues. It is difficult to diagnose and mainly is diagnosed by excluding other potential illnesses.

FreeWorker1 · 16/11/2015 08:14

That fibromyalgia link again.

CocktailQueen · 16/11/2015 08:19

I imagine he was annoyed that you said you were too tired for sexy time but not for reading, which for me would be a bit of an insult. Dp and I always try to fit it in before we go to sleep. If he said he didn't fancy it but then sat up on his phone I'd feel rejected.

There are plenty of times I don't want to make love but I do want to read before bed! I don't think that's unreasonable.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/11/2015 08:36

Why can't people just be HONEST?

What's wrong with saying "I don't want to have sex tonight" or "I'm not in the mood for sex tonight"? Because that is actually the truth.

I'd much rather a partner said that than "I'm too tired" and then went and did something else.

chumbler · 16/11/2015 09:15

Is he normally like this? Is there something else bothering him maybe?

DoreenLethal · 16/11/2015 09:19

I'd much rather a partner said that than "I'm too tired" and then went and did something else

You mean like go do bed and read for a bit to get to sleep? Because they were tired? Yeah - how completely unreasonable. Not.

DoreenLethal · 16/11/2015 09:20

Is he normally like this? Is there something else bothering him maybe?

I think what is bothering him is that he is an entitled thundercunt. Oh no - he isn't bothered about that at all! He just want fucking when he wants fucking and sod his actual wife's opinion.

SweetAdeline · 16/11/2015 09:38

StillDrSeth if sex isn't more energetic and tiring than reading a book then maybe you aren't doing it right. It's possible to be too tired to have sex AND be still OK to read a book.

Original poster

Arrowfanatic · 16/11/2015 09:42

Thank you everybody for your opinions. Mr Arrow was perfectly happy this morning and over his strop.

He says he just fancies me so much he wants it all the time, and I should see that as a compliment. I do appreciate that, especially given my post baby belly etc that he finds me so attractive but I don't think he is getting how overwhelming it can be having him bugging for it all the time as he won't just accept if I say I'm not in the mood he continues to try to change my mind and that becomes annoying. We do have sex, it's not like he usually goes days or even weeks on end without it but as I sat he just always wants more.

PS thanks for the fybromyalgia links, I'll have a look. I think the exhaustion is just lack of sleep, 3 kids under the age of 7 and a very busy week most weeks.

OP posts:

Translator1000 · 16/11/2015 12:05

arrowfanatic tell your dh he should try being me - my husband only seemed to be up for sex (no pun intended!) every 5 to 6 weeks and now seems to have lost interest completely . Coupled with the fact that he shows me no affection my relationship is practically non-existent!

Mr Arrow should probably count his blessings and be grateful he has a loving relationship with you rather than diminishing it by pestering you for sex!

Translator1000 · 16/11/2015 12:09

(Jus sayin'.
Not meant to hijack your thread with my pity party!)

ZoeTurtle · 16/11/2015 13:46

YANBU about the light if your husband was just making it a problem because he was sulking. If he genuinely is bothered by the light when he's trying to sleep, YABU. I can't sleep when the light from my husband's iPad is glowing in the background. It's okay if I'm turned away from him but I can't get to sleep on that side. So if he wants to play on his iPad I want to sleep he goes downstairs, since I'm the one who needs a BEDroom.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/11/2015 15:43

Doreen and Sweet I don't think it unreasonable to be totally honest to the person you share a bed with. Why do we need to say "I'm too tired"? Why can't we just say "I don't want to have sex tonight, darling, I'd just like to unwind a read my book"

I never suggested for one minute that the OP's partner was being reasonable in his sulky behaviour. I just don't understand why people can't communicate about sex in the way they would about anything else. If you don't want a cup of tea, you say "I don't want a cup of tea". What's the difference?

SweetAdeline · 16/11/2015 17:02

Maybe because she was actually too tired Still?

Original poster

Arrowfanatic · 17/11/2015 16:56

I didn't want sex, I was too tired. I told him that, I just wanted to go to bed, read a few pages of my book for 10 minutes (as this is my crutch for falling asleep, I literally cannot sleep if I don't do this) and go to sleep early.

Zoe, he can sleep perfectly fine with the light on. Heck he can sleep in the middle of the day, downstairs, with the tv blaring and the kids screaming. Which is why I felt like the light thing was him sulking and being awkward on purpose.

OP posts:

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