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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that we should pay for DM's meal?

53 replies

Peanuts2000 · 14/11/2015 22:50

My DM has a big birthday soon, we are supposed to be going out for a family meal. I think the children should pay for this which will include extended family, around 20 people altogether. One sibling thinks we shouldn't, only for DM, the others should pay their own. Feel embarrassed as DM wouldn't be expected to pay towards a meal if she was invited out by her extended family. Also know this sibling has the money, also DM has helped this sibling out in many ways including childcare for years. Other siblings are useless and don't want to get involved. Getting sick of the lot of them and feel like telling them to get stuffed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanuts2000 · 14/11/2015 23:41

hipino, that's the way I feel, we are inviting extended family so we should pay. Thinks it's because they are the older generation. Thanks for all your comments, reading this makes me realise there are underlying family issues, maybe that's the main reason, one of them is DM does so much for this sibling that doesn't get appreciated. I just thought it's the least we could do, maybe I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 14/11/2015 23:41

Agree with elderly Korean lady

(Are you the character from Wife in the North book?!)

ICantSpellNoffink · 14/11/2015 23:46

Who came up with the idea of having a meal and who has done the inviting?

I think it's perfectly OK to ask the other relatives to pay for themselves as long as it's crystal clear that is what is happening.

Personally I'd get the relatives to pay for their own meals otherwise it might end up being really expensive.

BlueMoonRising · 14/11/2015 23:54

To those that say 'if you invite you pay' - would you expect to have your meal paid for if someone else invited you?

I think that's odd. I'd never expect someone else to pay for my meal, unless I was going to a wedding.

I think it's lovely that you want to pay for the whole thing, and it doesn't sound like it will be a crazy amount (5 people each) - but you can't dictate how your siblings spend their money and if they don't want to do it you can't really make them.

hefzi · 14/11/2015 23:55

Peanuts I agree with you - it's what we do in my family (we are not wealthy, we just think it's polite if you invite people out to dinner, as opposed to arranging it: we wouldn't invite them round to one of our houses and expect them to bring their dinner with them...)

I see that paying for an additional four or five people in addition to your own family is expensive - but if it's unachievable, then perhaps it would be more appropriate to do something else?

Crazypetlady · 15/11/2015 00:36

In my family we buy for the person having the birthday and everyone else pay for themselves so imo yabu but everyone is different.

BackforGood · 15/11/2015 00:44

I think it's down to what you traditionally do in your family. For many of us, that would be for everyone going to pay their own way, but, where there are families that have always treated you, then it would seem right and proper for you to them threat them.

BringMeTea · 15/11/2015 00:53

YANBU. If that is more or less 'the norm' in your family. Can you spin it to this sibling as being part of your dm's birthday gift? Is there any way of reducing numbers a little? I have one sibling like this. Will take and take but not so keen on giving. I would also appeal to other siblings for support.

LeaLeander · 15/11/2015 01:01

I would not host or organize a party without paying. 20 people at xxx pounds per person is what, 400 pounds? or 100 pounds per sibling? Siblings who recently received an inheritance? If this is a milestone birthday then paying for the entire party is really the tasteful thing to do. I would feel awful inviting people to an event and then handing them a bill.

TwinkleCrinkle · 15/11/2015 01:03

I agree with you... Although I probably wouldn't assume that if someone invited me for dinner that they would pay. I would always offer to pay unless it's an invite from my family as this is how we do things.

However, we have just done similar to what your sibling suggests for bil birthday. We paid for him and everyone else paid for themselves (this is how dh family prefer)

Definitely depends on the family 'way' and situation is special occasion etc

MillionToOneChances · 15/11/2015 01:06

BabyGanoush www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2154580-There-is-a-tiny-elderly-Korean-lady-in-my-garden-and-I-want-to-go-out

Nobody is right or wrong, OP. Though to my mind it depends a little how much you each inherited - might be a YANBU if it was so much that this sister couldn't possibly have earmarked it all for something else. But even then I don't think you can decide how someone else should be spending their money unless you know the full details.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2015 01:13

20 people at xxx pounds per person is what, 400 pounds? My family would drink that much! Plus food and tip... How much is the meal likely to cost?

mineallmine · 15/11/2015 01:32

I feel if you invite people out to celebrate your DM's birthday, you should pay for their meals. If you invite, you pay in my world.

SenecaFalls · 15/11/2015 01:42

In my family, my brother and I always split the cost when we invited people out to dinner to celebrate my mother's birthday.

StampyMum · 15/11/2015 03:49

My sister and I recently hosted a dinner like this for my DM's birthday. We split the bill between the two of us. I don't think there's a right or a wrong way, but it was nicer for my mum to see her children be good hosts. There's no point if you disagree though - my sister and I are similarly generous, so we rarely disagree about money.

Isetan · 15/11/2015 04:24

Personally I think you're being very PA, it isn't up to you to decide how your sister shows her appreciation to your mother and how she should spend her inheritance. It really is between your mother and her daughter how they conduct their relationship, if your mother wants and believes she should be getting more recognition for her support, she should say so.

iamanintrovert · 15/11/2015 04:56

In these circumstances I agree with you OP. Can you afford to pay for the whole thing yourself?

iamanintrovert · 15/11/2015 04:58

Actually what I really mean is can you afford to pay for all the invited extended family guests? Obviously it would not be appropriate to pay for the meals of your siblings and their spouses.

Tram10 · 15/11/2015 05:59

I'm with the OP, I think the siblings should pay for DM and the other guests who have been invited to celebrate the birthday with them.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 15/11/2015 09:01

Do people really go to a meal with 20 other people then happily sit by and watch someone else pay the bill for everyone? I would feel awful doing that.

witsender · 15/11/2015 10:46

I would let adults pay their food (apart from your mum) but kick in for wine and sparkling etc.

Enjolrass · 15/11/2015 11:01

Whose id a was the meal out and the guest list?

needmorespace · 15/11/2015 12:59

For my mother's last milestone birthday three dtrs (inc me) paid for the whole meal. It was never an issue that we would expect extended family and friends to pay for a meal that we invited them to in order to celebrate a birthday.
All of my mother's siblings flew in from another country to be at her birthday meal. It would never occur to us that they should then have to pay or contribute to the meal.

needmorespace · 15/11/2015 13:01

Just to add. If there had been an issue with one of my siblings paying, my husband and I would simply have paid for the meal ourselves. No way would we have allowed others to contribute to an event that we invited them to particularly when they took time off work to travel to be there.
I wouldn't go to a wedding with other family members and expect to contribute towards my meal Confused

whois · 15/11/2015 13:04

My family is in the latter camp. If it's an invitation for a special event (ie not "let's meet for dinner next week") then the hosts would pay.

Same.