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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think at 28 my privacy should be respected and should be able to live my life the way I want?

50 replies

itsthecircleoflife · 13/11/2015 22:29

So ive had a tremendously shit week.

Lost my job on Monday. 100% did not see it coming and im devastated to say the least. While i can get a job in the same sector relatively easily in todays day terms, theres no chance ill find one the same in the area I live in

I came home on Tuesday because I needed to be with my parents for a few days. I had to kick my flatmate out last week and just couldnt face being on my own. Im fine and im starting to accept it- so really not look for sympthy, just giving a back story.
Im fortunate because I have savings and I have a new flatmate lined up and her rent will cover the mortgage pretty much.

Went out with an old friend today and came back to my Mum asking me why I had condoms in my bag. I told her it was my business, and that she needed to respect my privacy. She had a face like she was sucking on a lemon.

Earlier she wanted something that was in my car and she went and got my keys to go and get it. I insisted that id do it, and I was met with "why are you so secreative? You should show your mother a bit of respect!" I was a bit at this- this is a woman who chose to root through the bags of her 28 year old daughter who has lived independantly for 10 years (and im sure you can see why...)

AIBU?

OP posts:

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 06:40

If that's the case then I am not really sure why you thought that going back there would make you feel better.

Maybe the OP was just living in hope.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2015 09:32

I don't remember even going through my DC's school bags once they went to secondary.

Huge invasion of privacy.

popcornpaws · 14/11/2015 10:27

YANBU
My DD is 18, lives in a different city for uni but still comes home fairly frequently, she is an adult and it wouldn't cross my mind to pry on her.
We have always respected her privacy and i don't believe its just your mum "being a mum", what disgraceful behaviour, she should be ashamed!

Brocklady · 14/11/2015 10:50

I don't think my dad ever learned how to adjust from Father to friend, but I think to have a strong relationship with adult children this is what must happen.

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 14/11/2015 11:28

The people who think they get respect simply for being a mother (or a boss, or a policeman, or a teacher or whatever) rather than acting in ways which are respected are the ones who go through peoples bags. It's sad, but there's not much you can do about these people, except of course to keep reminding them that respect always needs earning.

It is interesting how people tend to revert to roles though, and I still think it might've been a bit what Trills said, though of course going through your kids stuff without permission is something that should always be a right, just more complicated when it's a bag that you expect nothing but PE kit that needs washing and they're 5.

QueenArseClangers · 14/11/2015 11:48

When I take my mum supermarket shopping I often sneak a huge pack if condoms in her trolley. This results in much laughter from her as we get to the checkout.
Bloody love my mother. She's nearly 82

Bimblywibble · 14/11/2015 11:56

Of course YANBU. I'm afraid you need to tell her. She won't move on into thinking of you as an adult without a push.

Going through a woman's handbag is extremely rude.

XmasIssues · 14/11/2015 12:47

Oddsocks my mum also did the "artful rearrange" when I was 16 or 17, but bless her never mentioned it.

The true irony was that at that age I hadn't even kissed a boy, they were for an innocent purpose (think waterbomb but not actually that). Obviously nobody would believe me so I said nothing either

Chiggers · 14/11/2015 13:09

My mum once found condoms in my pocket and asked what they were for. I told her that I was a St John's Ambulance member and needed them for waterproofing bandages and other uses other than sex. I then proceeded to bandage her hand up and put the condom over it as a demonstration.

Mum was amazed at the ingenious use for them

scarlettf0x · 14/11/2015 13:11

YANBU

I can't believe that she had the balls to root through your bag and then confront you

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2015 13:23

I have a new flatmate lined up and her rent will cover the mortgage pretty much.

And i thought that flat sharing was to share the cost.

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 13:34

How daft are you Boney?

How the OP spends the rental income is up to her and if she wants to use it to pay the mortgage then so be it. There will be other expenses and she will more than likely cover them or did you want her to say the rent will pay 40 per cent of x, 30 percent of y and 30 percent of z?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2015 13:37

Sansoora

I really don't care about how the OP spends the money, I posted an opinion that if flat sharing its about sharing the cost. HTH

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 13:44

She is sharing the cost.

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 13:45

But I think you know that and you just wanted to have a pop at the OP.

And numpty me fell for it.

Merguez · 14/11/2015 13:51

I would expect that if i was sharing my flat with a stranger I would be able to charge the market rate for rent.
How that relates to the cost of the mortgage is irrelevant.
I might charge a little less for family or a close friend but that's my business.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2015 13:53

Sansoora

Believe what you like, doesn't mean that you are right.

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 13:55

How that relates to the cost of the mortgage is irrelevant.

Yes, thats what I was saying in my cack-handed way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2015 13:57

Absolutely - charge market rate for renting out a room, regardless of what your mortgage is. I can't see the problem with this at all - there is no "cost sharing" as the renter of the room has no investment in the flat.

Marynary · 14/11/2015 14:41

BoneyBackJefferson Apart from the fact that OP is entitled to charge the market rate for rent, you do realise that she probably doesn't have a 100% mortgage and owns a proportion of the house herself? She may have used her savings to pay for this. Do you seriously think that a lodger should be charged a lower rent because of this? If so, should people who own their houses outright with no mortgage not charge lodgers any money for rent?

sleeponeday · 14/11/2015 15:15

Obviously charging market rent for a lodger is totally reasonable, but it's also worth pointing out that a mortgage is not the sole cost of owning. You benefit from paying down the debt, absolutely, but insurance and maintenance are fairly whopping costs.

And I would rather live with someone who saw me as a flatmate than a lodger.

StealthPolarBear · 14/11/2015 15:21

Op are you sure that in some way your mum wasnt trying to open up a conversation about if you're seeing anyone?
That said there are better ways :o

Orangesox · 14/11/2015 16:17

Goodness me! Are you my long lost sibling? My mum is the exact same, it's bloody exhausting dealing with her meddling! It's the outbursts about it all that particularly grate on my nerves as well, so you have my absolute sympathies.

YANBU at all!

Sounds like you need some and right now. I do hope everything works out okay for you - I got canned from my job in September (a week after I'd bought a new house no less), and I've only just started in a new role two cities down the motorway from me - I think it's soul destroying when it comes so out of the blue .

Original poster

itsthecircleoflife · 14/11/2015 18:47

Thank you everyone. Just got home. Bit of a barney this morning but she rang and apologised in the hope id go back. No chance. Thats it until an overnight at Xmas

Boney- we do share the cost. My mortgage is quite low as I had a healthy deposit, so basically what I get in rent covers the mortgage so then I only have to worry about paying the bills. Doesnt matter how you look at it, thats all I meant.

OP posts:

coffeetasteslikeshit · 14/11/2015 19:28

My mum did this to me when I was about 20. Wish I'd had the guts to tell her they were for lots of lovely bouncy sex
She wouldn't have seen the funny side though.

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