To be reluctant to do this

[justdontknow15]

DM has asked me to move in to her house to care for my elderly aunt (her sister) for 4 days in mid December whilst she and my DD are off to London for a holiday. My initial reaction was to say no and then she got majorly stroppy with me....and is now laying on the emotional blackmail...what are we here for if not to help each other out...etc. I have said I would think about it.
The background is that my parents live about 30 min drive from me, my aunt lives around the corner from them, NOT with them normally. She has dementia but manages with carers coming in at meal times. She now has some major problems with her flat so is having to move in with them whilst work is done. No one seems to know how long this work will take but it's looking likely to take a while and therefore affect my parents holiday. My DM will not allow my aunt to stay in their house unattended( I can see her point) so wants me to be there when they are away. I have my own house to run and teenage DS to organise (DH can organise himself) as well as many other things I usually do, plus all the extra stuff that has to be done 2 weeks before Christmas. DM is expecting me to drop all of this as I "don't have a job". I think she was genuinely shocked when I didn't immediately say yes, and I think her assumption that I don't have lots of stuff to do and I would just happily agree is what has upset me the most.
After my initial reaction she has asked if respite care would be a possibility, but is pressuring me to say whether I would be willing to step in if there is no respite available, because she and my Dad need to know asap so they can book exhibitions etc when they are in London, otherwise "it wont be worth going".
I am now feeling guilty for not immediately just saying yes, and am wondering if I am being totally unreasonable for ever considering saying no. FWIW I will most probably end up saying yes, people pleaser that I am, but just trying to process why I'm feeling so aggrieved by this.
[As an aside this is not a longed for holiday...it was booked fairly recently and my parents have already been on 2 holidays since this September and have 2 luxury cruises booked for next year.]

If you don't want to do it, OP, don't do it. Your dm can contact the relevant authorities and tell them that your aunt is effectively homeless for four days. They will organise respite for her.

Does the amount of notice for this, which is a month away, help you to work around it, in terms of frontloading some of your other commitments so you've got more "spare" time than you'd usually have in those 4 days? You could take some tasks with you which lend themselves to that time, present wrapping springs to mind, or phone calls that need making, with you rather than write off the whole time.

With this much notice you could also help DS to work on his organisational skills now, as he knows there will be this 4-day window when you're not at home.

If it was "can you do this from Sunday?" I think you'd be within your rights to say no. If it was an aunt who is very infirm and you'd be putting your back at risk, I'd say no, but I guess that neither of these are a factor or your presumably fairly elderly mother wouldn't have her in the house to start with because she'd cope less well than you.

If you do agree to it, make sure that there is support in place that would usually be there, so you don't get saddled washing your aunt or helping her to the loo if that's not something you feel comfortable with and she has carers in place who would usually help her, in her own home.

I think your mum agreed to take on your aunt as a favour then realised that it impacted on her plans and now needs some help to reconcile the two. As a one-off, for 4 days, I'd agree to this.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm glad at least some people could see where I'm coming from, I was beginning to feel like a right bitch.
To clarify its my mum and dad that are going away, I have no DD... sorry for the confusion. My parents have AFAIK cancelled the carers whilst my aunt is not in her own home...they were only coming in to provide meals and give medication and I guess my DM doesn't want that intrusion in to her own home. My parents are mid 60s so not elderly whoever mentioned that.
Yes this is something I am going to be expected to do in the future. My parents and aunt moved here specifically to be close to us. When my parents are away I look in on my aunt , check she has enough supplies etc, but that is obviously slightly more manageable than moving in. I will be checking up on her over Christmas when they are away visiting my grandmother.
I appreciate the point about getting organised earlier and this is something I will need to do. Some of the stuff I do is a regular commitment though so can't front load those.
I will do this for my DM and DF but I do think I need to have a chat with them about their perception of the value of the things I do (sorry DM I'm not in a high powered professional career anymore but guess what I'm happy now). I will also need to state that not leaving my aunt unattended at all is not feasible...for a start I will need to pick up and return a kilt for DS's Christmas dance that week, no way DH can do that as we only have 1 car.
Thanks once again. I will check back on this thread later...off to bake a cake and ponder on why I'm not as nice a person as I thought I was

The work on your DA's flat was presumably unexpected, which put your mum (and dad?) on the spot. However, given that, s/he really ought to acknowledge the impact of being put on the spot, and not just try to slide it off on you and hope you shut up.

If you do agree, s/he also needs to allow you to use your own judgement, as you DO have other important commitments!

As for feeling that you're not as nice a person as you thought you were, is that harder or easier than the idea that your parents are not as nice as you thought they were (that "sorry DM I'm not in a high powered professional career anymore" rolled out quite easily! Does your father think the same?)

They were also idiotic for cancelling the carers due to the inconvenience to THEM.

I would do it but I would insist on there being daily respite for a couple of hours.

Also I think the dyspraxia/organisation nagging is one reason to sit back and let your DH and DS arrange themselves. They need to have the opportunity to take responsibility for themselves. It doesn't matter of it goes pear shaped but they do need the chance up grow

I also don't see why your DH can't organise the teen, he is a parent and an adult after all.

My gut feeling on reading your OP is that you are being a bit selfish. I'm sorry that is a harsh thing to say but I feel that people abandon their responsibility to elderly family far too easily.
It's a one off, to look after your own aunt for four days whilst DM has a break.
I don't think it's a lot to ask.

Not RTFT, but as a carer of five years for my MIL with dementia (on top of demanding job all that time - same goes of OH, an only child), I would be sooooooooo grateful for someone to help me out for 4 measly days. That is a mere drop in the ocean to what we have to contend with...

Each and every single day....

A teenage boy and husband could do without you easily for that short amount of time.

I think your mum is right in that families do do these things for one another, but is being unreasonable to blackmail you over it.

But I would do it, anyway - only because I'd be prostrate at a relative's (if we had one) or a friend's feet, if they did that for me... :(

Justdontknow - this is what most but not all families do. Would your mother watch your teenage son for you if you went away for 4 days?

My in laws, Dad and Mum never ever offer to have my children. Have not even thought to help us when we had a very ill child in hospital. Rarely even bother to see my children. What goes around eventually comes around.

If on the other hand you know your Mum would/has always helped you out then yes you should watch your Aunt in your Mum's house for 4 days. It is the least you can do if you know you have been helped out.

To the comments about respite care being so easy to access - it isn't.

OP doesn't clarify whether the carers are private or provided by SS. My MIL is mid to late stage with Alzheimers, but because she is still mobile, continent and has the power of speech (if not memory - think 30 second constant looping or shorter), SS doesn't want to know (and believe me, I've spent more than enough hours and days on the line to them).

Not meaning to project OP - but if your parents do take responsibility for your aunt, don't underestimate what a huge and thankless undertaking it is, even if they don't live with her.

We don't live with MIL, and never have done, and yet she still completely dominates our lives...

Why wont your mum leave your aunt unattended? How advanced is her dementia? Does she recognise you? Does she know where she is? Is she mildly confused, or very confused? Why does she have carers at meal times, is it because she can't cook anymore, or would she forget to eat? is she at risk of falling? Sorry for all the questions but i wonder if a 'sitting' service may be a good compromise.
It's your call OP, don't do it if you will feel angry and resentful because your aunt will pick up on this, people with dementia can be uncannily good at picking up tone of voice and body langauge espcially if they are struggling to understand the spoken word, and this may well increase her anxiety and or exacerbate any behvioural issues caused by the dementia.

Ok, so not bring able to go out is unreasonable. It would be something I'd tell your DM that I most definitely was going to do (go out, that is). Unless your aunt becomes more disorientated for being in s different environment, which can happen.

You can't stay in for four days as you have a kilt to return?!

People with dementia can be more confused and disorientated when removed from their familiar surroundings and routine. This can create more behavioural disturbance than usual and increase safety risks. I get that she's OK without constant supervision in her own home, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's OK unsupervised elsewhere - your mother may be right that she shouldn't be left alone. What if she tries to cook in an unfamiliar kitchen, or gets confused as to why she's not at home and decides to leave and gets lost? Depends how advanced her dementia is, but the mother's stipulation about not leaving her alone may be reasonable - that's not to say her assumption that OP can just drop everything to help is reasonable though!

Also, dementia is a progressive condition, so if expectations are being set up for the OP to be on stand by as a caregiver at her mother's whim in future, she needs to realize that it may be manageable now, or next time, but perhaps not in the future as her aunt's condition deteriorates.

As for what families do - this might be what some families do, but not all families make the same choices or have the same boundaries, and not all individuals within the same family feel obliged to go along with the wishes of other family members. If the mother has taken on a caregiver role for the aunt ( presumably her sister? ) she cannot assume that OP is happy to take on a care giving role too - maybe OP's in laws have care needs or there are other pressures........

Sorry - I think URBU. Your DM asks for your help for 4 days and you are sweating it? I know a lady who is disabled and has cared for her daughter for the last 65+ years. This lady must be in her 90s and the daughter had what I think could be called a congenital disability. I know plenty people who have cared for years or even decades and you cant spare 4 days to help your parents. It is because family leave the care of the invalid or injured person to one person that there is carer breakdown.
Crack a light and do something kind, we all have difficulties to get through.

I also think YABU but that's not the point. You don't want to do it so don't.
You came here hoping to be justified but people think you're being selfish.

The issue with leaving her alone may be that your aunt could be confused by the move to your parents already.

My Nana lived with us when she had dementia. She had to stay at my brother's when I was in hospital and despite the fact she managed fine in my/our house she couldn't be left alone in his because she was totally disorientated.

It's only four days, OP. I find it hard to believe you feel unable to care for your aunt, so as to give a bit of a break to your own parents, for such a short time with reasonable warning. Your DH and teenage DS will manage, it's not the end of the world.

I'm a carer for family. Caring is hard work, often shit and an overwhelming time commitment. And I chose to marry my husband knowing about his problems, he wasn't just foisted on me by a quirk of genetics. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable not to take that on!

I think it is all very well to say 'But family..!!!' and I have every expectation of caring for my own parents as and when, most likely my husband's too- luckily I love them. But we are not doing the people we care for any real favours by doing so. In relieving councils of their duties and responsibilities, we are knowingly paving the way for even more cuts and withdrawal of even basic services.

So, unpopular opinion ahoy, but your parents should inform social services that there is no choice but for your aunt to have respite care. And once they get back from their extremely well-earned break, they need to make it clear that aunt will need to remain in SS care until such time as her flat is able to be lived in. If we don't start pushing back now, there will be no social care at all by the time we need it and it will literally be our own faults.

Knowing what I know, I have no intention of allowing my children to care for me other than dropping by with a pint of milk and the paper. When I no longer feel able to be independent, I'll be outside whatever remains of the council offices with my walking frame (possibly jet powered) for as long as it takes for them to find me adequate provision.

MrsPratchett the program you help with sounds amazing.I'm glad there are people and organizations that are helping people that are in such a vunerable situation.

Wasn't going to come back to this as the decision has already been made but really feel I have to directly answer one poster thehouseon thelane I did not come on here to be justified. If you read my posts you will realise I wanted a sensible discussion so that I could do what I inwardly knew was the right thing without continuing to feel aggrieved by it. I have now got to that place so thank you. My parents will go away and enjoy their holiday ( 5th this year incidentally

Hi OP I see you've made your decision on this but I'm surprised how many people think you are being selfish. I guess your teenager is older than mine (13), but I couldn't go away and leave him for 4 days as my OH has to work and is out of the house between 6.30am and 7.30pm (later if I don't collect him from railway station). If it were over a weekend he might be able to rearrange his days or take a day off to deal with at least one day, but it would be impossible over 4 normal days.

Although I'm happy for my ds to let himself in after school I would not want dh to go out and leave him to get to school by himself. And I would not want him at home on his own after school until 8pm when dh would get home from work.

It surprises me that people are so judgmental when they don't know what people's family situations are like.